


These Arms of Mine

by CluelessFangirl



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, BAMF Leia Organa, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bisexual Poe Dameron, Claustrophobia, College AU, Competence Kink, Confused Finn (Star Wars), Daddy Kink (barely), F/M, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Frottage, Gay Finn (Star Wars), Good Parent Han Solo, Han cooks, Happy Ending, Homophobia (minor), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Injury, Marriage, Multi, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Parents Han and Leia, Past Torture, Pilot Poe Dameron, Pining, Poe Dameron Has PTSD, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Professor AU, Racism (minor), Redeemed Ben Solo, Romance, Slow Burn, Smut, Stormpilot, Virgin Finn (Star Wars), coffee shop AU, handjobs, past trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:28:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 81,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24378004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CluelessFangirl/pseuds/CluelessFangirl
Summary: “Hey babe, I know you said you didn’t want anything but I got you another iced tea anyway”Too-gorgeous-for-this-world man was back, and holding out a drink to Finn… what? Finn’s confusion must have shown on his face, because too-gorgeous-for-this-world winked at him (oh god, he winked?!) and turned to the douchebag.“Hey pal, I’m the boyfriend, who are you?” Oh. Now it made sense. He had clearly seen this idiot trying to start something, and had come over to save him. Wow. That actually happened in real life?Finn Windu is just a confused masters student trying to work his life out back in the civilian world. Poe Dameron is a damaged but charming former pilot with a major crush. Leia is pretty convinced they'd be perfect together, and when is she ever wrong?
Relationships: Chewbacca/Maz Kanata, Leia Organa/Han Solo, Poe Dameron/Finn, Poe Dameron/Muran, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Wedge Antilles/Luke Skywalker
Comments: 229
Kudos: 189





	1. Douchebags and Dinner Parties

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, first ever fic. Indulgent, slow-burn Stormpilot because I can. I have nothing to do this summer but write, so I'm hoping to update at least once a week. If you'd like to beta for me please let me know because I'd love that. Comments/kudos would make my day<3

“Um, excuse me? Is anyone sitting there? It’s just crazy busy in here and there’s nowhere else so could I maybe…”

The voice interrupted Finn halfway through a complex thought so it took him a minute to register what exactly had been said. The delay might also have had something to do with the man stood in front of him. He was…there were no two ways about it, he was gorgeous. He had curly hair with just a hint of grey, five o’clock shadow that accentuated his perfect jawline, caramel eyes, and he was wearing a faded brown leather jacket that hung off him like it was designed just for him. Finn shook himself out of his daze and responded quickly, lest the man think he was some kind of idiot.

“Oh, god, yeah of course, sorry I’ll just move all of my crap, I just sort of spread out when I’m working, sorry-” He reached for the mess of books he’d littered across the table as he spoke, rushing to clear a space so the man could put down his coffee.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it! I won’t take up any space, so you can go on reading about, uh, sewers…?” His voice trailed off as he picked up one of Finn’s books, and Finn felt his face heat as he realised how odd this might look to someone unfamiliar with his research.

He rushed to explain, “No, oh god, it’s for my course, sorry, it looks weird I know, but I study civil engineering”

“Oh that makes a lot more sense… I bet you get some weird looks carrying these around!” He smiled down at Finn as he placed the book on top of the stack he’d made and Finn’s heart did a weird little flip. His teeth were straight and white and his lips were plump and his whole face lit up as he grinned at Finn…

 _okay_ , Finn told himself, _time to stop being creepy and go back to your books_. “Ha, yes, yes I do. Sorry. Um, anyway.”

“I’m bothering you while you’re trying to study, I’m sorry, I’ll shut up now and you won’t even notice I’m here.” He smiled at Finn one last time as he settled in, taking a sip of coffee and unlocking his phone.

Finn smiled back, and went back to work, trying desperately to ignore the urge to gawp at the breath-taking man across the tiny table from him. Soon enough, his efforts were successful as he got drawn back into his notes, losing himself in the familiar routine of studying in his favourite coffee shop. He didn’t notice how long had gone by until he was interrupted again.

“Hey, um, I was going to grab another coffee, would you be okay to watch my stuff?”

Finn’s table-partner was looking at him hopefully and he’d have to be made of stone to refuse – “No, of course, no problem”

“Great, thank you! Um, do you want anything?” Wow, he was considerate too. If he got any better Finn would be in danger of developing a serious crush.

“No, thank you though, that’s really nice of you to offer”.

“Okay, if you’re sure.” He responded easily, shooting a glance at the ice cubes melting at the bottom of Finn’s empty glass of iced tea, clearly understanding that he was too polite to ask even if he had finished his drink. He got up and headed towards the counter, and Finn looked back to his notebook, trying to remember what exactly he had been thinking before.

He sensed a presence above him and looked up, surprised the gorgeous man had been able to get served so quickly considering the whole coffee shop was full. Instead, there was another man stood over him, a little too close for comfort and already glaring down at him in a way that instantly made him feel uncomfortable. His height and the way he was looming menacingly made Finn want to shrink into his chair but he forced himself to sit still, fixing the newcomer with a raised eyebrow and an expectant gaze.

“This place is full. There are no seats.”

“Ah, yeah, it’s pretty rammed today…?” Finn trailed off into a question, wondering what exactly this had to do with him.

“So you need to move. I need a seat, and you have one, and you need to move.” The man spoke as if to a toddler, patronising and slow, and loomed ever closer.

“Hey babe, I know you said you didn’t want anything but I got you another iced tea anyway” Too-gorgeous-for-this-world man was back, and holding out a drink to Finn… what? Finn’s confusion must have shown on his face, because too-gorgeous-for-this-world winked at him (oh god, he winked?!) and turned to the douchebag.

“Hey pal, I’m the boyfriend, who are you?” Oh. Now it made sense. He had clearly seen this idiot trying to start something, and had come over to save him. Wow. That actually happened in real life?

“Boyfriend? What the hell? Disgusting. I was telling him that he needs to move. There are no other seats and I need a table, so you’re both going to have to move.” Too-gorgeous-for-this-world raised his eyebrows in what looked like surprise, and his eyes quickly scanned the douchebag. He snorted as he saw what Finn had also seen, the “Make D’Qar Great Again” t-shirt that the guy was wearing. Suddenly, it all seemed to make sense.

“Yeah, that ain’t gonna happen. More to the point, you’re not getting a seat in here at all, so I think it’s time you leave. Now.” Finn tried to hide a smirk as his knight in shining armour chewed out the douchebag.

“Look, people like you don’t get to tell people like me what to do.” Douchebag responded, looking too-gorgeous-for-this-world up and down and nearly jabbing him in the chest with a pointed finger. Okay, so douchebag was quickly upgraded to absolute prick in Finn’s mind, and he was clearly trying to escalate an already horrible altercation. Finn was about to jump to his feet and tell douchebag exactly what he thought when another voice chimed in.

“I think you need to listen to Professor Dameron and get your racist ass out of my shop, boy. Right now.”

This new voice came from a tiny woman, she would barely have come up to Finn’s chest, and she had glasses like jam jars on, but he took one look at her and knew she was not someone to be messed with. Of course, it helped that she was flanked by two other men; one slightly chubby but definitely solid, and the other tall and angry looking with a nose that must have been broken more than once.

It seemed douchebag had made the same quick assessment Finn had and realised this was not a fight he could win, because he sloped off quickly, heading out of the door and down the street, muttering bile the whole way out.

Finn watched him go and then looked up to see the two new men giving too-gorgeous-for-this-world hugs and slapping him on the back, laughing and joking. Clearly, they knew each other. They gave Finn understanding smiles and headed towards the counter, slipping into spots in the queue which had they must have been occupying before the incident. The tiny woman had already disappeared back behind the counter, and Finn could only just see the top of her head.

“Hey, buddy, I’m really sorry that escalated, and I didn’t mean to swoop in like you couldn’t look after yourself or anything-“ Too-gorgeous-for-this-world was giving Finn a worried look, like he’d be angry that he’d dared to step in.

“Oh god no, thank you for that, seriously, he was a jerk and it was really nice of you to-“

“I just get pissed off when I see that kind of thing, you know?”

“Yeah, I do, I get pissed off when that kind of thing happens too. No one’s ever done that before though.” Finn tried to joke, already embarrassed by everything that had gone on.

“Well, they should do. Um, I’m Poe Dameron by the way.” Poe gave Finn a smile and reached out to shake his hand. He prayed his wasn’t clammy as they shook, smiling back as if he wasn’t completely dazzled by Poe, or obsessing over how warm and big and perfect his hands were.

“Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Finn Windu.”

“Good to meet you man.” Poe’s grin wasn’t disappearing, and Finn felt like a deer caught in headlights, quickly realising he needed to let go of the other man’s hand.

“So um, did you know those guys?” He asked, desperate to keep the conversation going.

“Oh, yeah, that’s Snap and Mando, they’re friends of mine. Just lucky they were around right then I guess.” Poe spared a glance to the counter where Snap and Mando were waiting for their drinks, deep in conversation.

“I guess you’re right. That was nice of them. Thanks for the iced tea by the way, you really didn’t have to.”

“Nah, I figured it was only polite”. Poe’s smile was back, and Finn couldn’t help but return it.

It turned out that he and Finn got on really well – they spent an hour just chatting, any awkwardness dispelled by the fact that Poe had come to Finn’s aid earlier. Finn learned that Poe was a professor at the university, specialising in the history of resistance movements, and that he was a retired Air Force Pilot. His face shuttered when he mentioned his military past, so Finn quickly moved the conversation on to a new topic – after all, he knew what it was like not to want to talk about serving. Apparently, Poe had a dog, Beebee, and his whole face lit up when he talked about her.

Finn thought it was adorable, and was on the verge of asking to see pictures when he realised he was about to be late, and loathe as he was to cut this conversation short, he absolutely had to be on time.

“I need to go, I have a class, I’m really sorry, it was so nice to meet you, except obviously the douchebag part-“

“I should probably be heading out too, I didn’t realise how long I’d been here. It was great to chat to you Finn, really.” Poe’s smile was so genuine, and Finn was glad he hadn’t been bothering him by talking his ear off.

He shot Poe one last smile and headed out the door, refusing to look over his shoulder like some bashful schoolgirl, reminding himself that as a man as gorgeous as Poe was obviously taken, or straight, or both, and would never have been interested in someone like him.

He managed to resist turning round to catch another look at Poe, not realising the man was watching him leave.

\---

Finn made it to class with only a couple of minutes to spare. He had just sunk into his seat towards the back when Professor Hux swept in, looking as perturbed as usual, and began droning on about advanced foundation design. Finn tried not to fall asleep to his professor’s monotonous voice (and utterly tedious lecture), and instead slipped his phone out of his pocket. He had a text from Rey.

**Rey: You’re coming to dinner tonight right?**

**Finn: Only if you promise I won’t be forced to address your boyfriend as “Kylo”?**

**Rey: I never should have told you about that. He was just a teenager! Besides, he’s gotten so much better, you have to admit**

**Finn: I guess. He’s always going to be an emo tho. You just need to accept that your man is tragic.**

**Rey: Han’s making lasagne.**

**Finn: Fine. I’ll be there. But ONLY because of the lasagne.**

Finn snorted at the row of angel emojis that Rey sent him in response, and tried to focus on his lecture. It was slightly easier now he knew he could at least eat decent food later, and he was looking forward to catching up with his best friend, even if it meant seeing her dorky boyfriend too.

They’d been close since they were kids, when they’d been lumped together in a group home. Rey had been just as much of a lonely misfit as Finn, and they’d spent most of their childhood together, avoiding the other kids in the home. They’d both been in and out of foster care, but it never seemed to stick, and after Rey stole (and subsequently crashed) her foster father’s prized antique car, she’d been a permanent fixture at the home. Finn’s fosters were similarly unsuccessful, and he’d taken the first opportunity he could to get out of there, signing up for the army the moment he was old enough. Rey had been pissed, but she’d sent him letters and they’d kept in touch. The other recruits used to make crude comments, assuming she was a girlfriend, and Finn had let them believe it, reluctant to discover how they’d react if they knew he was gay. Eventually, he’d had enough and had got the hell out of dodge, returning home as soon as his tour was up and reconnecting with Rey. Despite the distance that had grown between them, their friendship picked right back up when Finn got back, and he’d soon been folded into the little family she’d made for herself – sulky boyfriend included.

They might not have been his real family, but Finn never felt quite as at home as he did with the Solos and their extended clan. Not to mention Han made a really great lasagne.

\---

Poe is still sitting in the coffee shop an hour later. He’s mostly been looking at his phone, and if he’s ended up staring into space and dreaming of a beautiful man with perfect shoulders and an armful of civil engineering books, well that’s nobody’s business but his own. He’s midway through another daydream when his phone rings. He looks at the caller ID and scrambles to pick up when he sees who it is.

“General! Hi! What can I do for you?”

“Poe Dameron you promised you would call me this week. It’s Friday. Don’t think I can’t sense when you’re avoiding me.” The voice on the other end of the line is stern – if Poe didn’t know her as well as he does he’d almost think she was really mad.

“I promise I’m not avoiding you General, I’ve just been busy. This term is really kicking my ass.”

“Are you sleeping?”

“Yes, every night.”

“Hmm, I’m not sure I believe you, I know you too well for that. And because I know you, I know you’ve probably not eaten a homecooked meal in days, if not weeks. Am I right?”

“Er… well… I made grilled cheese last night?” His voice is sheepish, and he’s blushing. Only the General could guilt trip him from miles away.

“That’s what I thought. It won’t do. Be here at seven for dinner.”

“Oh, thank you but really ma’am, I’m alright, I don’t-“

“How many times have I told you not to call me that. It makes me feel old. You’re not trying to make me feel old are you Poe?”

“Never, you’re not, you couldn’t-“

“Good. So, seven. You’ll be here.”

He sighs in defeat. “Yes General, I’ll be there.”

“Good boy. Bring that wine I like and I’ll see if I can persuade Han to make garlic bread for you.”

“Now that’s a deal.” He’s smiling as he hangs up, realising that he always feels better when he speaks to Leia, and he really needs to stop worrying about bothering her and just call her more often. Like she always tells him, if she doesn’t want to talk to him, she’ll tell him. At least now he has dinner to look forward to. First though, he needs to go get the General’s favourite wine.

\---

When Poe arrives at the General’s house, the driveway is already full of cars. There’s Han’s beat up sports car (“Fastest car in town, did the Kessel track in 12 parsecs, have I told you that story kid?”), Chewie’s pristine truck, Ben’s black-and-red monstrosity with the added chrome (such an emo car, so much fun to mock), and even Luke and Wedge’s respectable four-door out on the street in front. He has to park down the block, and by the time he’s walked the few hundred metres to the front door, there’s a bicycle leaning against the house, and a figure already ringing the doorbell. A figure that he recognises…

”Finn? Buddy?”

“Poe? What are you doing here?” Finn looks confused but he’s smiling, so Poe doesn’t mind too much, and he takes a second to stare before gathering himself to answer – he doesn’t get chance because the door swings open right then and Ben’s tiny, over-excitable girlfriend is throwing herself on Finn.

“I missed you! Why did you take so long? I kinda thought you weren’t going to come! Oh, hi Poe, have you two met? Finn you have to hear this story Han is telling, it’s ridiculous-“

Finn lets himself be led inside, shaking his head at Rey’s incessant chatter and toeing off his shoes in the entryway. Poe follows suit, a little confused about what exactly is happening. How is Finn here? How does he know Rey?

He wanders in, bottle of wine in hand, and lets them go, turning towards the kitchen instead. Chewie rumbles a hello from where he’s adding things to Han’s lasagne mix, putting a finger to his lips to ensure Poe won’t rat him out. Of course, Poe has long since realised that all of Han’s best cooking, like his driving, is mostly Chewie’s doing, so he mimes zipping his lips and carries on looking for-

“Poe Dameron you get your butt in here and give me a damn hug. You’d better have my wine!” There she is.

“Hi General” He embraces her gladly, feeling just a little of the weight of the week leaving his shoulders, “Yep, it’s right here”. He hands the bottle over, and she’s already got a corkscrew from somewhere and is shepherding him back into the kitchen, winking at Chewie as she goes, and pouring them both a glass. She makes up a quick scotch for Chewie and slides it across, leans on the counter and turns to Poe with a serious look.

“You’re not sleeping. I can see it on your face.”

“I am, I promise, just a few early morning classes this week and a lot of grading.” He raises his hands to protest his innocence because in his defence, he really has been trying to get to bed at a decent time.

“Hmmm. Just this once I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. How are your classes anyway?”

“Good actually, some of these kids really seem to get it. I have one girl who’s thinking about a project on the benefits of economic boycotts to resistance morale, and I feel like I’m really starting to get through to them.” He’s smiling, like he always does when he talks about his students, and Leia’s eyes are twinkling as she surveys him, taking a deep sip of wine.

“I’m so happy for you. Remember, if you see anyone brilliant, send them my way. I’ve got two intern slots to fill this year and I’d like at least one spitfire type. You know I like a rebel.”

“You are a rebel.” He teases her.

“Oh not anymore, far too old for that.”

“I told you, you could never-“

“Poe Dameron are you trying to butter up my wife again?” A deep voice interrupts his compliment, and suddenly Han is gripping his shoulder. “I told you before, you don’t stand a chance flyboy.” He’s smiling though, and Poe knows he’s joking so he’s not too worried. He’s about to offer a cheeky comment when Han spots Chewie.

“What the hell? Chewie if you’re doctoring my food again we are going to have a fight!” As Chewie and Han begin to bicker affectionately, Poe remembers what he wanted to ask Leia.

“So, um, there’s a new face tonight?” He tries not to look too interested, but Leia has always seen right through him and this is no different.

“Ah. You’ve met Finn. Charming boy. What did you think?” She’s smirking, and he knows he’s in for it.

“Oh. We uh, we actually met earlier today, at Maz's coffee shop. He’s… well he’s…”

“Gorgeous? Funny? Smart? Just your type? Yes I know.” The General’s smirk is growing, and Poe begins to blush beet red and tries to stammer out an answer, but she cuts him off.

“I’ve been trying to get you two together for a long time, but one of you is always busy. I suppose the universe finally managed it for me.”

“How do you know him?” Poe eventually manages to blurt out.

“He’s Rey’s oldest and best friend. They grew up together.”

She’s interrupted by her husband’s arms wrapping round her waist, and Han interjects “You know Leia and her strays” before stealing her wine and wandering back to the stove. Leia smiles fondly, and shrugs, turning to help her husband and fix everyone drinks.

Poe reckons it’s time he braved the other room and the incredibly attractive man he knows is in there.


	2. Meet the Family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know I said I'd update weekly, and that was only yesterday, but some of you left Kudos and it made me want to write! Have another chapter! I feel like my feelings for Ben Solo become fairly obvious in this chapter: this will be a pro-Ben fic because I love that boy. Also, writing Leia is my favourite thing in the world and I love her.

Poe sidles into the sitting room quietly, the raucous sound of Chewie roaring with laughter following him from the kitchen. Finn is sat on the sofa next to Wedge, he’s been handed a beer from somewhere, and they look deep in discussion. Poe notes the thoughtful crease that’s appeared between Finn’s eyebrows as he watches Wedge gesticulate, and he desperately wants to go over there and join them. Instead, he decides to play it cool.

The other sofa is occupied by Ben and Luke. Rey is sat cross-legged in front of Luke, and they’re debating the merits of some complex theoretical physics concept Poe knows he doesn’t have a hope in hell of understanding. Ben is gazing at Rey from his spot on the sofa, dressed all in black as ever, his usually hulking frame sprawled across the couch cushion. Poe’s favourite past-time is messing with him, and he decides there’s no time like the present.

“Hey there Kyle, how’s it hanging, supreme leader?” Ben’s eyes close and he sighs long and heavy through his nose like he can’t believe he still has to put up with this crap.

“I can’t believe I still have to put up with this crap” He says, turning to Poe, “I was a teenager. You weren’t even here. When are you going to let it go Dameron?”

“Probably never” Poe responds with a snort, and he can see Ben’s mouth turning up at the corners, and soon he’s shaking his head resignedly as he smiles.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought” He sighs again, before Rey’s hand drifts up from her place on the floor and settles on his knee. Suddenly Ben is smiling properly, taking her hand and giving her heart eyes. Eesh, Poe doesn’t need to see any more of that thank you very much. He gets up from the arm of the sofa and heads over towards Finn and Wedge on the other side of the room. Finn looks up at him but before he can say anything, Wedge turns to see what Finn is looking at.

“Poe, good to see you. How’s the semester going?”

“Yeah, not so bad thanks Wedge, I’m getting through.” He smiles at the older man, and is reminded just why he likes Luke’s husband so much when Wedge turns to Finn.

“You’ve met Poe right? Best damn pilot I’ve ever seen. Seriously, better than me even.”

Poe shrugs, embarrassed but flattered, because that’s quite a compliment. “Ha, thanks man but I’m not so sure about that. Anyway, that was before everything…”

Wedge must catch the flicker in his eyes because he doesn’t let Poe dwell on the past. “And now you’re the best damn history professor I’ve ever seen. Never does anything by halves, this one” Wedge says conspiratorially to Finn, who’s smiling up at Poe like he can believe it. Poe feels his mouth dry up a bit when Finn looks at him like that, and is glad Wedge is carrying the entire conversation so he doesn’t have to attempt to speak sense right now.

“Finn’s at the university too, did you know? A masters, civil engineering wasn’t it?”

Finn looks away from Poe to answer Wedge, and Poe swears the whole room gets a little bit dimmer without Finn’s eyes on him. “Yeah, that’s right. It’s kicking my ass though. I’m really beginning to doubt it.” The crease between his eyebrows is back and Poe wants to smooth it out, make him feel better any way he can. He can feel himself accidentally slipping into professor mode.

“Why’s that? Seems to me like you work plenty hard if those books earlier are any indication?”

“Yeah, I work hard but I never seem to get anywhere. It’s just… I know it’s cheesy, but I’d like to love what I do. And I don’t know if I love this.” He seems embarrassed as he says it, and Poe’s heart aches for him. He remembers the soaring feeling in his chest every time he flew, and the same feeling he gets now when a student has a breakthrough, or he marks a particularly insightful piece of work. He can understand wanting to love what you do, he’s been incredibly lucky that most of his life has been spent doing something he adores, even if there was that dark bit in the middle where…

“Enough about me though. I’ve seen you twice in one day now and I’m still not quite sure how you know everyone here? Did you two fly together back in the day?” Finn is smiling again, and Poe feels the dark train of thought he’d been boarding leave without him for once.

“Ha, no, this old man couldn’t keep up with me.” He jokes, “No. I uh, when I left the Force Leia helped me out, guess she saw I couldn’t quite adjust to being back on firm ground, and she took me in, got me back on my feet.” Wedge’s eyes are kind as he looks at Poe, because of course he knows the gaps in what Poe’s just said, he had watched from the sidelines while Leia practically resurrected Poe, and had done more than his fair share of helping out. But, mercifully, he lets Poe have his secrets.

“Yeah, she does that. She did the same to me, I think. Rey brought me home one day and I guess that was it, I was just another stray in Leia’s pack” Finn’s smile is understanding and Poe thinks maybe there’s more to that story too, but he doesn’t ask, because Finn didn’t ask about his omissions either.

Wedge claps them both on the back and says “Welcome to the family boys, once you get chosen by the General, ain’t no going back”. Finn raises his beer in agreement, and Poe smiles around his wine.

Wedge seems to realise something then, “Wait, did you say you only met today?”

“Yeah, I was at Maz’s and Finn’s was the only spare table.” Poe flashes Finn a quick smile.

“Maz’s? Like, the Maz? The one that if you mention her name Chewie gets all flustered and starts dropping things? That was Maz?” Finn must not have ever met her before, Poe figures, and he laughs.

“Oh yeah, that tiny woman? That’s Maz.” Wedge is chuckling, familiar with Chewie’s poorly hidden crush.

“Wow. But they’re… he’s so… and she’s so…?” Finn seems slightly confused, and Poe gets it because honestly the first time he saw Chewie, who towers over everyone except Ben, and Maz, who is hard to spot over her own counter, together he’d wondered how on earth that worked too.

“Yeah, they’re an odd pair. Maybe one of these days they’ll finally figure things out and admit their feelings though.”

At this, Wedge snorts “I wouldn’t hold out hope for that son, some of us have been waiting decades.” There’s easy laughter, and Poe realises he hasn’t been this relaxed in weeks. Since the last time he was here, probably.

A voice shouts from the kitchen, “Alright, we’ve got about ten minutes before that’s ready so you’d all better clean up and get your sorry butts to this table, no stragglers now”. Poe smiles, because there’s no way anyone is going to risk Han’s wrath by being late to the table, especially not when he’s made-

“Do I smell garlic bread?!”

“Yes Poe, I made your damn garlic bread. Now get in here!” Okay, yeah, he’d better get a move on.

\---

Finn finds himself seated between Han and Poe, with Rey opposite him. She’s being fussed over by Ben, who’s fixing her plate while she laughs at something Han said, and Finn takes a second to remember how eternally grateful he is to have her in his life. Before he gets too caught up, a smooth voice from his right asks him if he’d pass the garlic bread, and he hurries to comply. Of course, when he passes it over, his hands brush against Poe’s and he forgets how to breathe for a minute. By the time he’s recovered, Rey is giving him a knowing look from across the table, and he’s ducking his head to stare intently at his plate.

Dinner passes in a haze of laughter and good food, with a particularly memorable moment when Poe had taken a big bite of garlic bread and made a frankly inappropriate sound while closing his eyes in pure pleasure. Finn, about to take a gulp of beer, had managed to spill liquid all over himself. He’s just lucky Poe was too busy moaning to notice, and before he knows it Rey has thrown her napkin at him and he uses it to mop himself up, desperately hoping no one else saw. He can feel Leia’s eyes on him from the other end of the table though, so he doesn’t think he’s going to get away with it. Damn. He puts the napkin in his lap strategically, and hopes Poe doesn’t make any more of those noises because he’s really not sure how he’ll cope if he does.

When everyone’s finished and people are just chatting to each other over empty plates, he jumps up to help Han clean the table. It’s an old reflex from foster homes where a minute’s delay might have gotten him yelled at, but he doesn’t think being helpful is a bad trait to have picked up, so he doesn’t analyse it too much.

He’s just putting the last few plates in the dishwasher, Han off asking people if they want coffee, when someone pushes open the kitchen door and settles themselves on the counter behind him. He turns to see Rey fixing him with an expression he knows, and does not like one bit.

“So” She starts, “You and Poe.”

Nope, no. Absolutely not doing this. No way. “Yeah, he seems nice. Odd we haven’t met before I guess?” He’s hoping he can derail her at least for a minute.

“I suppose so. What do you think of him?” Apparently, he’s been unsuccessful, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to make it easy for Rey. If she realises what he actually thinks of Poe she’ll never let him hear the end of it, so he decides diversion is his best tactic.

“He’s nice, like I said. How’s Ben?” That usually does the trick, and like clockwork Rey’s face lights up and she prepares to launch into a spiel about whatever fantastic thing Ben has done this week (god, they’re so lovesick it makes Finn feel physically sick sometimes, and he’d begrudge her this happiness if he didn’t know she deserved every second and more), but then she thinks better.

“I know what you’re trying to do and I’m not falling for it. I saw you at dinner. How you look at Poe.”

He sighs, “Rey, honestly, he’s pretty but that’s that. I’m really not interested in anything with anyone right now, I mean it.” She pouts but seems to accept it, giving him a hug that makes his ribs hurt before wandering off in search of her giant prince of darkness. He watches her go, but Han’s voice from behind him makes him turn quickly.

“You can lie to her all you want, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s that women always figure out the truth. Always” He’s got a shrewd look in his eye and Finn knows he can’t get anything past the people in this household so he doesn’t bother to reply, deciding to finish cleaning up instead.

\---

The evening eventually dies down as everyone realises how late it is, and begins making excuses. Chewie is the first to go, after what was probably a few too many drinks, and his truly awful singing voice only fades as he finally pulls out of the driveway. Wedge and Luke disappear soon after, Luke’s hand in the crook of Wedge’s elbow as he gives his sister a one-armed hug and they make plans for later that week. Wedge shoots Poe a cheeky salute and Poe matches it, smiling as he watches them walk out the door. With Luke gone, poor Ben gets the full focus of his mother’s attentions, and he looks like he’s in physical pain as she reaches up to fix his collar and lecture him about the importance of colour in a wardrobe. Rey, as usual, is no help as she stands sniggering at his side. When Leia decides Ben has finally had enough, she gives Rey a warm hug and shoos them out the door. Poe knows how hard it had been for Leia to be apart from her son for so long, so he understands her clinginess now. And clearly things are better than they used to be, if the slightly less stilted than usual hug between Ben and Han is any indication.

Before Poe knows it, it’s just him and Finn left, and Leia’s sparkling eyes suggest she’s noticed it too.

“Now boys, it was so lovely to see you both. You’re both terrible at keeping in touch, so do try to be better won’t you.” Han rolls his eyes next to her, but doesn’t contradict her so Poe figures he probably is pretty terrible at staying in contact.

“I promise, I’ll call you this week.” He kisses Leia’s cheek and shakes Han’s hand, doesn’t mean to wait while Finn does the same, but somehow, he ends up doing it anyway. Finn must be worse than he is about food because Leia has pressed two Tupperware containers of home-cooked meals into his hands and won’t take no for an answer no matter how much he shakes his head. Eventually, Finn just gives in to the indomitable force that is Leia Organa-Solo, and waves goodbye as they head out the door.

It’s a quiet suburban night as they walk down the driveway together, with Poe racking his brains for something, anything, he can say to stretch his time with Finn just a little bit longer. He’s just about to give up entirely and say goodnight when Finn swears.

“Damnit. I did not think this through.” He’s looking unhappily at his bike and Poe quickly figures out the problem. There’s no way Finn can bike home and carry Han’s cooking at the same time. Selfishly, Poe is overjoyed, but he tries to rein in his eagerness when he offers,

“I can drive you if you like? Your bike should fit in the back of my car, and then you won’t have to worry?” He sends a quick prayer to every deity he can think of that Finn says yes.

“I don’t want to put you out man, it’s late” Finn’s scratching at the back of his neck and not meeting Poe’s eyes, and Poe thinks he might have a problem if he’s this far gone for Finn already.

“Really, it’s no problem at all. I’ve got nowhere to be tomorrow. What kind of man would I be if I just let you struggle?”

Finn smiles eventually, and nods, makes some quip about “That’s twice today you’ve saved me, Dameron”, and Poe immediately reaches over for Finn’s bike, wheeling it towards his car and thanking his lucky stars that Han doesn’t know how to portion.

\---

The car ride is…awkward isn’t quite the right word, but they’re definitely not entirely relaxed around each other. Poe had to spend a good ten minutes shifting things around in order to squeeze Finn’s bike in, but once he does, they set off, with Finn giving him directions every now and then. Besides that, the conversation is slim, partly because they’re both tired, but if Finn’s feelings are anything like Poe’s, it’s also because he’s incredibly nervous to be alone in such a confined space with this man.

They talk a little about university, and Poe learns that Finn had decided to get his degree because he’d admired Rey so much for doing it first. As they slowly ease into each other’s company, Finn opens up a bit about himself.

“I just wanted to feel like I was making something you know? The whole time I was overseas it felt like all we did was destroy things, and I guess when I got back… I wanted to build things, do something constructive, not destructive.” He’s adorable, and Poe is trying to avoid telling him as much.

“I understand that, for sure. And it sounds like you’re getting real close to doing that. You’ve nearly finished your masters, right?”

“Yeah, after this it’s a real job…” Finn doesn’t sound thrilled by the prospect, but Poe doesn’t want to make him dwell on career choices which can be a bitch at the best of times. Instead, he asks about Finn and Rey’s friendship, and soon the two of them are laughing as Finn tells tales of his and Rey’s youthful pranks. Poe is glad that he has Rey, because reading between the lines it doesn’t sound like Finn really has many other people. Leia said he grew up with Rey, which means he must have been in the system, and some of the stories he tells are tinged with a slight sadness when Finn mentions families that clearly didn’t stick around. Poe wants to reach over the gear stick and take his hand, but he knows that would be weird so he grips the steering wheel tightly and gently prompts Finn’s anecdotes towards humour rather than introspection.

Eventually they pull up outside Finn’s building, and Poe mourns the short drive, but he knows he’s being ridiculous and he has to get home anyway. He helps Finn manoeuvre his bike out of the back, and they take a minute to just stand there, awkwardly exchanging small talk. Eventually Finn must have enough of him because he makes his excuses and heads inside, fixing Poe with one last, beautiful, smile and waving as best he can with an armful of Tupperware. Poe sighs, watching him walk away for the second time that day. There’s just something about that man that pulls him in, and if Poe’s not careful he’s going to fall. Hard.

\---

Finn’s weekend is mostly spent studying, and by Sunday afternoon his back is aching and his neck has a crick, and he’s had enough. He calls Rey and they arrange to meet at the gym. Finn isn’t even close to surprised that she’s already there, if he’s honest.

When he wanders in he spots Ben’s colossal frame jogging on a treadmill, and he gives him a nod, which is returned. They’ve never really been close, but Finn can appreciate that Ben worships the ground Rey walks on, and as far as he’s concerned that means the guy’s alright really. Despite the hair and the clothes.

He finds Rey lifting weights, unsurprisingly, and she grins at him as she finishes her set.

“Want to spar when I’m done?” She’s panting, but she still manages to hold a conversation.

“With you? Jesus, I’m not feeling suicidal Rey.”

“Oh come on, you’re definitely getting better. I promise I’ll go easy on you?” She’s got her pleading voice on, and Finn caves the way he has been doing ever since she asked him if he’d sit next to her at lunch when they were eight.

“Yes! Fantastic! I’ve got another ten minutes or so here, so why don’t you go warm up and then I’ll kick your ass?” Her smile turns evil and he already regrets saying yes, but he goes and does some cardio anyway, knowing he’ll need all the warm up he can get if he’s going to have a chance at staying on his feet against her.

He doesn’t, of course, stand a chance. They’ve been going ten minutes and she’s put him flat on his back four times already. He may be bigger and stronger, but Rey is quicker and she uses his own weight against him. That and she’s devious, knowing exactly how to distract him at the crucial moment.

“So, Han said Poe drove you home?” His back smacks into the mat yet again as he falters, and he resigns himself to the fact he’s never going to beat her.

“Yeah, I had too many leftovers to bike with” He’s sweating as she grips his hand and helps him up, and he gives her a time out gesture as he heads for his water bottle.

“That was sweet of him. He’s a good guy.” Rey’s voice is too innocent, and he doesn’t trust it, but he doesn’t know where she’s going with this so he can’t exactly escape it.

“Yeah, seems it.”

They square up again, and Rey is blessedly silent as she batters him with blow after blow. He manages to block most of them, and he’s not been on his feet this long since they started, maybe he’s starting to get the hang of this, he even gets in a few hits of his own, hey, this isn’t so bad-

“You should see him in a uniform. Nothing sweet about it.” Rey says with a smirk, and suddenly Finn is blinking up at her from the floor, mind entirely blank except for the image of Poe in an Air Force dress uniform. He has to hand it to her, she knows what he likes.

After another three embarrassing defeats, Finn finally manages to get Rey off her feet, even if he is convinced she let him do it. He decides to quit while he’s ahead, and grabs his water bottle. He and Rey are joking around when Ben looms out of nowhere. Finn has never quite figured out how someone so big is so quiet. He’s down to his basketball shorts, covered in sweat, which makes sense if he was running the whole time they were sparring. He smirks at Rey and of course she loses her train of thought, staring at his broad chest and trailing off mid-sentence. Finn shakes his head, but really he’s used to it by now. Rey makes a weak excuse about needing to get home because she doesn’t have her shampoo with her, and goes to grab her bag, moving quicker than she has all afternoon, which is no mean feat. Ben watches her go, eyes fixed heatedly on her ass, and Finn remembers why he avoids coming to the gym with them. He’s packing up his own bag, ready to get away before he hears anything he won’t be able to forget (a lesson learnt from experience), when Ben finally tears his eyes away and turns to Finn.

“You know, Mum’s had a scheme about you and Dameron for months now. And I don’t think Friday will have made her drop it.” Oh for god’s sake, is everybody going to want to talk to him about Poe Dameron?

“That sounds like your mother alright. She’ll have to drop it eventually. I’m not interested” It’s easier to lie to Ben, Finn thinks, than it is to his mother, or to Rey who knows him so well.

“Sure. I know. That’s why you didn’t stop staring at him all evening.” Damn it, maybe it’s not so easy to lie to Ben Solo after all. Finn opens his mouth to say something, but Ben beats him to it. “Honestly, you should give him a shot. He’s not… well he’s not what he looks. And he gets it, you know. Being damaged goods.” Finn would feel defensive, except that he could swear Ben is trying to be thoughtful, and he knows that Ben knows exactly how it feels to think you’re so messed up no one could ever want you.

“Just something to think about.” Ben mutters as Rey hurtles back up to him, grabs his hand and begins to drag him out the door as fast as she can move him. Finn watches them go, and thinks again that maybe Ben Solo isn’t so bad really. Of course, Ben chooses that moment to slap Rey’s ass, and Finn thinks to himself that no, Ben Solo is that bad, really.


	3. Realisations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is mainly about building Rey and Finn's friendship, and Poe's relationship with his friends. I don't love it as much as the next one because it's quite serious, but I do absolutely adore Phasma. Hopefully you do too!

Monday morning comes far too soon for Finn. When his alarm goes off he lets out a groan and rolls over to turn it off. He spends the next sixty seconds trying to convince himself that he actually does have to get out of bed, that he can’t stay right there and sleep the whole day. Eventually, reality becomes too hard to ignore and he forces himself out from under his covers.

He has a meeting with his supervisor first thing, and as much as he absolutely hates to admit it, he really needs her guidance. He’s fairly sure she hates him so he’s not looking forward to it, but he knows that won’t stop it from happening.

Army habits aren’t easily forgotten, and he finds himself making his bed neatly despite being on autopilot, and then he daydreams through a shower, brushing his teeth and breakfast. He can’t stop thinking about what Ben said. He knows that, realistically, Rey has probably told Ben everything about Finn’s messed up childhood and early adulthood. He more than likely knows about Finn’s string of failed fosters, his childhood problems with bullying and aggression. He almost certainly knows about Finn’s miserable time in the army, how he’d had to stay in the closet, how he’d still been the butt of every joke, and the way he still has nightmares about the things he did there. Rey and Ben are close enough that he probably even knows about Finn’s decision to leave the army, how seeing his only real friend there die in front of him had messed him up so badly he’d had what would delicately be termed a mental breakdown. And if he’s honest with himself, Rey, and by extension Ben, probably realise that he hasn’t really been happy since he came back, that he doesn’t know what he’s doing with his life, and that he’s beginning to think he’s such a bad person that he doesn’t deserve to be happy. If Ben knows all of that, and he still thinks that Poe might look at Finn and see someone worth being with… well, maybe he’s got a point? After all, doesn’t Finn want to be happy like Ben and Rey?

He’s so deep in his thoughts, so caught up in imagining actual happiness, a real relationship, that he doesn’t notice the time until his phone dings with a text from Rey wishing him luck. It’s 8:33. His meeting is in twenty seven minutes. He’s going to be so late.

After throwing his things into his bag and running for the bus (which he only just makes because the bus driver sees him coming and is kind enough to wait), Finn makes it to his supervisor’s office with a single minute to spare. Her door is closed like always, but he’s fairly sure she’ll still be able to hear his laboured breathing as he tries to recover from his sprint across campus. When he finally feels like he might be able to fake a working set of lungs, he knocks on the door.

“You’re late, Windu. Get in here.” Comes Professor Phasma’s cold voice from inside. He doesn’t want to piss her off any more than he already has, so he doesn’t argue that technically it’s still 9:00 AM, and he doesn’t dawdle in the corridor any longer.

She’s looking at him over the top of an impressive set of architectural plans and a steaming thermos of coffee, her platinum hair gelled back from her face and her blue eyes peering into his like she can see everything he’s ever done wrong in his life. To be honest, he wouldn’t put it past her. She’s terrifying. She’s the only woman to ever make professor in the department, and the youngest person to reach that rank too. She works part time for a cut-throat private firm, and she doesn’t suffer fools gladly. She’s insanely intimidating, and there are rumours that she had a couple of undergraduate students hung out to dry after she heard them joking about sleeping with her. She’s already about a foot taller than Finn, but she wears five-inch stilettos to work every day and when he hears her stalking down the corridors, he always feels the urge to run away. That said, she’s brilliant at what she does, and he’s lucky she’s his supervisor.

He settles in the hard seat in front of her desk and begins pulling his plans and notes out of his bag, ready to discuss his project with her. It’s not going well, and he can tell that she knows it from the way she frowns as she looks at his plans. There’s a tense eight minutes (he watched the clock the whole time because he couldn’t bear to see Phasma’s look of disapproval) where she reads his report and looks over the drawings, evaluating his progress. In minute nine, she stacks them all neatly into his folder, neater than they were before, and closes the file. She reaches for her coffee and stares at him over the rim again, the nails of her other hand clicking rhythmically against his file as she stares him out.

Eventually, he can’t bear it any longer and he breaks. “So… I know it’s not quite there yet….”

“No. No it really isn’t. I’m glad you can see that.” He can’t decide if she’s being condescending or if that’s just how her voice sounds.

“I just feel like I’m really stuck on the-“

“You’re stuck on all of it Windu, and I think you know that. Let’s not waste my time here, this… this is not up to scratch. If you submitted this, I would fail you. If you submitted this to Hux, he would probably eviscerate you. It isn’t good enough. And I don’t think it ever will be.”

His heart sinks. It’s not entirely unexpected news, but he doesn’t want to be a failure. He can’t stand the idea of being a drop out, of having to give up on his goal of doing something constructive with his life. How is he supposed to look Rey in the eye and tell her he failed? She’s about to have a doctorate for goodness sake, and he can’t even do this.

“I can improve it, I swear Professor Phasma, it isn’t as bad as it looks, and I have this idea-“

“Finn.” He doesn’t think he’s ever heard her use his first name and it shocks him into silence. “I understand how much you think you want this. But I don’t think this is actually what you want. I think you’ve convinced yourself it is, I don’t know why, but I think if you’re honest with yourself you’ll see that this, this whole career, this course, none of it is right for you.” Her words are brutal, but her tone is just infinitesimally softer than her usual glacial, and he thinks she’s maybe trying to let him down gently.

“I… I just want to do something positive.” He’s almost completely lost for words, and he knows this conversation has been a long time coming, probably since the second week of his undergraduate degree. He’s been skirting around the edges of it with everyone, really, with Wedge at dinner on Friday, with Poe in the car home, with Rey for months before that, and Leia had always fixed him with a sceptical look when he spoke about his choice of career but… he never expected to be having this conversation with Phasma, of all people. Showing weakness to her is unthinkable, like letting a shark smell blood. And yet, she’s looking him in what is probably supposed to be sympathy, even if it looks odd on her usually marble-carved features.

“I understand that. It’s an admirable goal. There are other ways to achieve it.” He blinks back at her and she sighs, as if she doesn’t have the time for this, and in truth she probably doesn’t. She puts down her coffee, slides his file across the desk and leans on her elbow to stare at him intently. “Why don’t you take some time. Think about what else you might possibly want to do. Talk to your friends, your family, the people who know you best. Work out what would make you… happy.” She says the word like she’s only ever seen it written down, and he’s beginning to wonder if he’s hallucinating because Eleanor Phasma does not seem like the kind of person who gives a shit if he’s happy.

“Anyway, we’ve discussed it. You have a week. If you want to proceed with the course, you’ll need to come to me with revised plans of a significantly higher standard. If not, well I’m sure you can work out how to quit. But for now, it’s 9:20 and I need you out of my office.” He doesn’t need to hear it twice, he may be struck dumb right now but he’s not an idiot, and he knows an order when he hears one. He gathers up his things, thanks her (though he’s not entirely sure what for), and leaves as quickly as he can.

\---

Poe starts his Monday as he starts many days: sleep deprived and exhausted after a night plagued by horrible dreams and memories. He’d given up attempting to sleep at about 5, and instead he’s been grading papers. It’s actually made him feel a lot better, because most of his students are insanely smart and he really enjoys their work. By 7 he’s feeling upbeat, if not well rested, and he jumps in the shower. When he gets out, BeeBee has finally decided to get out of Poe’s bed and join him. He gives her a cuddle, buries his face in her fur and inhales the smell that always makes him feel better. She lets him have a snuggle for a few minutes before she starts whining at him, and he figures he really does need to feed her. That done, he muddles through the rest of his morning routine, and then drives in to campus, hoping the coffee he picks up at Maz’s will make it possible to at least fake being awake. And if he cranes his neck trying to spot a familiar face and a strong set of shoulders, well, no one else has to know. Finn isn’t there, unfortunately, so Poe takes his coffee from Maz and ignores the knowing look she gives him.

He makes it through his morning classes without a hiccup, even if his answers aren’t quite as eloquent as they might have been on more than two hours sleep, and he heads back to his office for lunch, which he picks up from the canteen on the way. He can take a long lunch break, in fact, he doesn’t really have anything scheduled this afternoon apart from an office hour at 3, so he lets himself relax and catches up on emails. By 2:30 he’s starting to droop in his seat, exhaustion taking its toll, and he nips out for another coffee from the staff kitchen before his office hour starts. He’s just got to get through this hour and then he can go home and nap, he keeps telling himself.

His office hour doesn’t exactly fly by, but he does have a few decent conversations where he feels like he’s actually been able to help his students, and one of his final year students comes in to tell him about this volunteer placement she’s found with a non-profit. He can see how excited she is, and mentally jots her name down to send over to Leia. He did promise only the best and brightest, and this one is certainly both: he knows Leia will get a kick out of her argumentative nature.

When his office hour is finally over, Poe goes home, crashes on his sofa and passes out for a couple of hours, still dressed right down to his tie and shoes. He wakes up later, when the evening light is streaming through his window and threatening to blind him, with BeeBee snoozing on his back so he can barely breathe. She’s clearly putting on weight and he admonishes himself for not walking her more often. When he finally persuades her to get off him by offering her extra chicken with her dinner, he gets off the sofa. He checks his phone to find four texts from Jess and one from Snap, which actually turns out to be Jess on Snap’s phone. They all say pretty much the same thing, which is “meet us at the bar tonight”, and Poe knows from experience that Jess isn’t going to leave him alone, so he drags himself up, throws on jeans and a t-shirt, grabbing his favourite jacket and heading out the door.

He gets to the bar in time to meet Snap on his way to get another round, and Snap claps him on the back and promises to add another beer to the order. The place is fairly quiet so Poe spots Jess and Mando at a table towards the back pretty easily, and begins making his way over. When Jess spots him she cheers and gets up to give him a big hug. He accepts it happily and then settles in next to Mando, who raises his beer in greeting. Jess is midway through a story about whatever her idiot boss did today when Snap comes back and distributes more drinks. Poe takes his gratefully and sips quietly as he watches his friends joke and catch up. He used to miss this, when he was off being a reckless pilot, and whilst he’s never going to be glad for what happened to ground him, he is glad he gets to be part of this again.

He’s roused from his musings when Jess turns to him and starts giving him the fifth degree about his job, his sleep schedule, whether he’s eating properly, has he walked her baby (at this, he reminds her that BeeBee is in fact his baby, not hers). Mando smirks at him, clearly enjoying watching Poe struggle, and Snap doesn’t even bother to intervene, more than used to his wife’s pestering. The conversation turns, unfortunately, to his love life.

“Okay, but I just think you should get back out there. I’m not saying you’re going to find the one, but it would be worth a try, right? You want to be happy, don’t you?” Jess is giving him beseeching eyes and he wishes she’d just move on.

“Of course I want to be happy. I just don’t think there’s any point. You know what I’m like, there’s no way anyone’s going to want to date me. And even if they did, I’m not ready for that.”

“Man you’re so full of crap.”

Mando’s voice is a surprise, because quite frankly he never gets involved, he’s far more the strong and silent type, he barely even takes off his sunglasses if he can get away with it, and Poe turns to him wondering what’s coming next. Mando just stares him out, takes a long pull of beer and says, “Everyone wants to date you. The waitress has been staring at you for the last half hour, and that guy in the coffee shop last week was giving you googoo eyes.”

Shit. He’s talking about Finn. He doesn’t even bother to turn around and see if the waitress really is checking him out, because Mando is talking about Finn. And across the table, Snap is nodding in agreement. They think Finn was looking at him like…wow.

“No, there’s no way, he wasn’t, he was just…no.” Poe splutters, and realises that he’s just given the whole game away.

“What guy? Tell me about this!” Jess is leaning over the table, looking from Snap to Poe to Mando with a look of utter delight, so happy that she’s not even mad at not knowing the gossip. As Snap explains what happened, Poe knows that the second he opens his mouth to talk about Finn, every single person at this table is going to recognise his quickly developing crush. As Jess turns to him, seeking further explanation, he braces himself for what he knows is coming.

“Yeah. He needed a rescue and I wasn’t going to let some jerk be a racist, so, I stepped in.”

“By pretending to be his boyfriend.” Jess is clearly amused.

“Yeah. It was the first thing I thought of okay.”

“Okay, sure, of course, nothing else would have worked” her tone is dripping with sarcasm, but she continues, “And then what? Did you get his number? Do you even know his name?”

“Well it turns out he knows Leia. He’s best friends with Ben’s girlfriend, so he was at Friday night dinner at the Solo’s.” He knows he’s going to regret telling Jess this.

“Right… so, let me get this straight. He’s gorgeous” She looks at Snap and Mando for confirmation and they nod, which means even they, straight as they are, saw how attractive Finn was. “He’s studious and dedicated.” Yep, more nods. “He played damsel in distress to your hero.” Poe wants to bang his head on the table but resists the urge. “And Leia likes him enough to invite him to family dinner” Alright, yes, that does mean that Finn is probably generally great, because there’s no getting anything past Leia. “And you still didn’t ask him out?” Jess is giving Poe a look that means she thinks he’s an idiot. It’s not unfamiliar, if he’s honest.

“…Yeah. That’s about right.” He can’t really avoid telling her the truth.

“Wow, Dameron, you are such a dumbass.” Snap and Mando are chuckling, and Poe knows she’s got a point, he’d just rather not admit it.

“I just… you didn’t see him Jess. He’s perfect. He has shoulders like…unggg. Good. They’re good shoulders. And Leia and Han and Wedge all seem to love him. And he seems… sweet, y’know?” Poe realises he’s quickly making things worse, but as predicted, once he opens his mouth about Finn he can’t quite stop. Jess’ face has softened, and she reaches across the table to pat his hand.

“He sounds lovely. Why don’t you just get his number off the General, and ask him out for a drink? No pressure, just a drink.”

“Because he’s…he’s just too… he wouldn’t want me Jess. He’s young and perfect and even if, which is a big if, even if he’s into men, he definitely wouldn’t want me.”

He sees Jess and Snap exchange a frustrated look, one that he knows is entirely about his own low self-confidence. After a minute, she sighs and takes his hand properly.

“I’m going to let this go, because I know you hate talking about it, but I’m going to say one final thing. You’re a catch, Poe Dameron, no matter what you might think, and this guy, any guy, would be lucky to date you. Any woman for that matter. Anyone. Point is, I wish you could see yourself like we see you.” She smiles at him, lets him smile back for just a minute, and then says, “That said, you need to treat my baby better or I’m going to have to kick your ass.”

He’s laughing again, glad she’s moved on, and he tries to remember what she’s said, to believe it, but it’s hard these days. He’ll get there, eventually, maybe. He just wishes it could be with Finn.

\---

Finn wanders home after leaving Phasma’s office, even though he’d planned on going to the coffee shop to work. He’s entirely dazed by the conversation he’s just had, and he feels like he’s moving on instinct. He can’t stop thinking about what she had said, about the fact that she’d tried to be nice to him, about the fact that he has a week to get better or get out. He has absolutely no idea what to do with himself. He just drifts around his tiny apartment: opening cupboards and quickly shutting them again, folding and refolding his already neat clothes, rearranging everything in his fridge only to put things back exactly where they were. After about an hour of this, he realises he’s utterly screwed and he calls Rey. She doesn’t pick up the first time, and he’s getting more and more desperate, so he rings again. She finally picks up after half a dozen rings.

“Finn, hi, um, can I maybe call you back?” He can hear Ben grumbling in the background, and he’s not quite so dazed as to fail to realise what he’s probably interrupted, but he is too dazed to care.

“Rey. I think I’m having a crisis.”

“What? Are you okay? What do you need?” She’s a good friend, because he can hear her telling Ben that Finn needs her, that this is important, to pass over her pants.

“I just… I think I need to hit something.” Finn feels guilty about the urge, but he knows himself well enough to know that fighting, even if it’s with a punchbag, always makes him feel better.

“That sounds sensible, I’ll meet you at the gym in twenty. Will you be alright?” He’s worried her, he knows, and so he reassures her he can get to the gym on his own, and hangs up. He still feels like his head is filled with smoke, but he’s going to see Rey, and she will make it better, so he forces himself up off the floor and gets into his workout gear.

He gets to the gym fairly quickly, and Rey arrives just after him. She gives him a huge hug, and he holds her as tight as he can, because it’s nice to finally feel something again. Then, she shepherds him over to the sparring mat and proceeds to spend the next hour and a half trying to beat him up. Weirdly, they’re more evenly matched than they have been recently, almost like Finn’s distraction allows him to stop overthinking his movements and work on instinct alone. He wrestles Rey to the mat four times out of five, and she looks a little more surprised each time. Finally, she’s clearly had enough, and she just stays down, panting out “mercy” and Finn flops down on his back next to her.

“So,” she says, once she’s got her breath back, “Are you ready to talk about it yet?”

“I went to see Phasma this morning”

“Did she help you figure out your project?” Rey turns on her side, looking at him with a carefully blank face as she waits for him to open up.

“Sort of. She said it was shit.”

“What? She can’t just say that? She’s supposed to help you not insult you!” She’s mad, as she always is when someone upsets Finn, and even as sweaty and tired as she is, Finn’s fairly sure she’d fight Phasma if he asked.

“No, she’s right. She basically said that I should quit.”

Rey is silent from her place on the mat next to him, and he turns on his side too so he can see her reaction.

“…And how do you feel about that?” Rey’s voice is hesitant, like she doesn’t want to say too much.

And that’s the question really isn’t it, how does he feel? He lies there, mind racing, wondering what he actually wants to do. Slowly, he comes to a conclusion.

“I think she’s right. I mean… I’ve never loved it have I? You’ve said that before. It’s not… me. I think I need to quit.” As he says it, he knows it’s true. Huge, but true.

Rather than reply, Rey reaches over and hugs him close to her, and they lie there for a minute, in the middle of the nearly empty gym. He feels his whole body relax, as if everything is going to be okay because he’s got Rey.

“I think that’s the most sensible thing I’ve heard you say in years.” She says as she pulls away, pulling him up to his feet with her and throwing his towel at him.


	4. Kes' powers of persuasion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the fourth chapter in four days! No idea how I'm doing this, but I'm on a roll. Hopefully you guys like this one, I'm finally getting to the point where the characters are well established enough for me to just focus on Poe and Finn's building relationship, so chapter 5 on will have lots more Finn Poe direct interaction, I promise! This feels relatively short, but it's necessary to set everything up so bear with me!  
> As always, comments/kudos are magical!

Poe doesn’t have any classes to teach on Tuesday, or even an office hour that forces him to sit and wait for students to come to him. Instead, he enjoys a lazy morning at home, and then decides BeeBee needs a walk, otherwise Jess really might steal her. He takes the long route, strolling around his neighbourhood before finally reaching the park. When he lets BeeBee off the leash, the little dog goes wild chasing pigeons, making new friends and trampling over people who are trying to enjoy the sunshine. Poe makes apologies where he has to, but mainly just watches and laughs as BeeBee charms everyone she meets. It’s nice to be out in the sun, and he sits on a bench and enjoys watching BeeBee in her element. Before long, his phone rings and he half assumes it’s going to be his boss telling him about some problem that means he has to come into the department. He’s pleased to see that it’s not.

“Papa! How are you?”

“Mijo, why do you never call?” Oh okay, straight into it then.

“I do call dad, I’ve just been busy lately, I promise.”

“Leia says you’re not sleeping. Is that true?” He knows that getting his dad and Leia back in contact was a major mistake, even if it did make his dad feel better about being so far away from Poe.

“It’s not…not true?” He winces, he’s a truly terrible liar and his dad knows it. “I am trying, I just don’t always manage.”

“I know it’s hard pequeño. Do you need me to come visit? I can be there if you need me.”

“No, papa, I’m okay, I promise. I really am. I’ve got my classes and the semester is going really well. I go for dinner at Leia’s, and Jess forces food into me too. I’m doing just fine.”

His dad sounds mollified at that, and Poe realises he probably trusts Jess or Leia’s reports of his wellbeing more than Poe’s own. He doesn’t really blame him.

After everything that happened, Poe had withdrawn, shutting himself away in his apartment and not picking up the phone or answering the door. He’d texted his dad every now and then telling him he was fine, and that had convinced Kes for a while. At least, until Jess had called his dad and ratted him out, and his dad had driven all those miles to come and kick his butt. He’d stuck around for a solid month, pushing Poe to go to physical therapy and to appointments with the trauma therapist, to try to sleep in his bed rather than in a corner of the floor. He’d escorted Poe to the shelter, telling him that a dog would help him feel less alone and give him a routine once Kes went back home. He’d been right about that, in fairness, because getting BeeBee meant that Poe always had someone to hold and to talk to, and her fur and little snuffles were far enough away from human sounds to avoid triggering a flashback. The routine helped him settle, and he found that it was easier to talk to people if he had BeeBee as an excuse or a buffer. Kes had made him go to a support group for veterans, and even though he felt like he didn’t belong, didn’t fit in, it had been a good decision in the end because the group was run by Leia’s foundation. She’d seen him struggling, more so after his dad left, and had refused to let him wallow in his own self-pity. She’d pretty much bullied him into something resembling mental health, and he’s always going to be grateful that she had.

His dad’s voice pulls him back from his thoughts, asking how BeeBee is doing, chatting to him about his family back home, his tias and his cousins. Sitting in the sunshine, listening to his dad’s voice, makes Poe smile. It helps, even though it’s hard to admit to his dad when he’s not sleeping, when the nightmares are worse than usual.

“What about you mijo, are you seeing anyone?” Of course his dad wants to ask about this. Poe stops smiling pretty quickly.

“No papa, there’s no one. I’m not sure I’m ready for that.” His mind conjures up the image of Finn’s smiling face, his strong shoulders, his kind eyes… he tries to shut that train of thought down pretty quickly.

“Poe you can’t wait forever. I’m not getting any younger, it would make me so happy to have a little nieto. Don’t you want to give your poor old papa grandchildren?”

“Dad, it’s not like that. I’m in no shape to start dating, much less to think about children. How would I explain the nightmares? The scars? The triggers that mean I can’t do perfectly normal things?”

Kes’ voice is sad, and Poe feels like he’s been too harsh, but he’s so sick of people asking him, and he doesn’t know how to tell people he’s terrified.

“I know mijo. I know it will be difficult. But don’t you ever want to try? You shouldn’t be alone forever, you’re not built for it.” Poe knows he’s right, feels the ache of loneliness in his chest every time he lies in bed or eats dinner at his empty table.

“I do papa, I do want to try. I…” He’s going to regret this so much. But his dad is probably the only person he can tell who won’t mock him, who won’t force his hand. “I met someone last week. And nothing happened, I don’t even know if they’re…playing for my team…but I met someone and I looked at them and I wanted to try.”

Poe can feel his dad’s excitement through the phone, palpable, even from hundreds of miles away.

“Okay. Poe this is good. I’m not saying you have to date this person, but I’m glad to hear you at least thought about it. You haven’t wanted that with anyone in a long time.”

“I know. I barely know him, at all, so I don’t know. And he’s far too put together and young and…everything, for me.”

“So maybe you just get to know him. You don’t have to date him if you’re not ready for that, but another friend is always good. Learn more about him, spend time with him. Worst case scenario, you don’t get along. But maybe you make a friend, and you have some fun. Maybe… maybe he wants to date you too.”

Poe’s immediate reaction is to refute everything his dad is saying, to tell him that wouldn’t work, isn’t an option. But he takes a second, he thinks about it, about spending time with Finn, getting to know him. Even if nothing came from it, at least he would get Jess and Leia and his dad off his back for a while. And Finn seems nice, almost harmless… Leia approves of him, thinks he’d be good for Poe, which means he must be alright.

“Dad I… yes. I’ll try. I’m not promising anything okay? He might not even want to spend time with me at all, but I’ll.. I’ll try.”

“Oh mijo I’m so happy to hear you say that. I’m proud of you, you know? Even when it’s hard, you haven’t given up. You’re so much like your mother.” Poe doesn’t really want to start crying in the middle of the park, BeeBee running haphazard circles around the bench, so he squeezes his eyes shut and tells his dad he has to go. He promises to at least text more often, and Kes hangs up sounding satisfied. Poe has a weird feeling in his chest that he thinks might actually be hope, so he pushes it down and ignores it like he does everything else he’s not prepared to deal with.

\---

“For the last time, no, I don’t want to defer, I want to quit!” Finn never usually gets irate, he considers himself a calm person ninety nine percent of the time, but he’s been on the phone for forty-five minutes and he’s still not getting anywhere. The woman on the other end of the line decides that she needs to transfer him to another department, joy of joys, so he paces his studio apartment while he waits.

It’s been three days since his meeting with Phasma and his revelation in the gym. He spent three days pretty much living in the gym, because he thinks so much clearer when he’s sweating and working hard, when there’s nothing to focus on but the sound of his feet hitting the treadmill or his fists hitting the punching bag. He has no idea what he’s going to do next, but he’s decided that he’s only making himself unhappy carrying on with his course. Hence why he’s been on the phone for the best part of an hour trying to persuade them to let him go. It’s like trying to switch internet providers or something, they just won’t release him, and he is slowly losing his mind.

“Hello, D’Qar University admissions line, how can I help?” The voice on the phone is cheery, and he’s getting more frustrated by the second.

“Hi. I would like to quit my course. My name is Finn Windu, I study MA Civil Engineering, and my student number is FN2187. I want to drop out, and leave the university.” He speaks slowly and clearly, begging this man to understand rather than-

“Well sir I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. I’ll have to transfer you back to student services!” The man’s voice is still bright but Finn is honestly on the verge of throwing his phone. He gets put back through to student services, thankfully to someone different this time, and he starts all over again.

“Yes! YES! I want to leave the university for good.” Someone finally gets it, he’s so relieved he could cry. As he recites his details for the woman, answers her questions as clearly as he can, there’s a knock on his door.

Finn wanders over, mind still almost entirely focused on the conversation he’s having with student services because it’s been fifty-five minutes at this point and he is tired and desperate and –

Leia Organa-Solo is stood at his door. The door to his shitty, run-down, horrible little studio flat. Leia Organa is stood there, hair perfectly coiffed, lipstick immaculate, wearing a pantsuit that would put Hilary Clinton to shame.

Finn gapes at her, because as much as he worships Leia, because he’s only human, she’s never turned up at his place, he’s always had time to prepare himself, to pretend to be witty and smart and interesting.

He becomes aware, slowly, that the voice in his ear is calling his name, and that Leia is looking at him with expectant amusement. He quickly steps back and makes a sweeping motion with his arm, welcoming her into his apartment. As soon as he does, his brain starts cataloguing the dirty dishes, unmade bed, cluttered desk, overflowing laundry hamper… _right, okay, you can’t fix it so just stop thinking about it,_ he tells himself.

He mouths “I am so sorry ma’am” at Leia, practically bowing at her, and she settles on the seat in front of his desk, waves him away as if she hasn’t a care in the world, and starts leafing through the project work that’s still sat on the desk. He quickly mumbles and stumbles his way through the conversation with student services, making excuses but hopefully giving enough information that he won’t have to go through the whole process again, and then hangs up. He puts his phone back in his pocket and wonders how to politely ask a world-recognised humanitarian what the hell she’s doing there. He doesn’t manage to come up with anything before she beats him to it.

“Rey tells me you’ve decided not to pursue further study.” The General says, and he’s desperately trying to work out what she thinks of that, but her face is giving nothing away.

“Yes ma’am” Is all he manages to get out.

“And why is that, Finn?” Again, her face is giving him no clues whatsoever and he can feel himself beginning to sweat.

“I…” Okay now, big boy hours, get your shit together, he thinks to himself. “I’m not happy. I’m not doing what I want to be doing, and because of that I’m not doing it well.”

She seems to search is face for a moment, and slowly begins to smile. Does this mean he’s passed whatever test he didn’t realise he was taking?

“Well. Finn, I’ve spent longer than you know waiting to hear you say that. I’m glad you’ve seen it.” He feels warmth spread from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, and he thinks maybe that might be what maternal approval feels like, not that he’d know. “So, what now?”

“Ma’am?”

“What are you going to do now you’re no longer a civil engineering student?”

“Oh… well, I don’t really know.”

“I thought you’d say that. That’s why I’m here.”

“It is, ma’am?” This whole conversation is just tilting Finn’s world on its axis a little bit.

“Yes, Finn. So tell me what you can do. What you want to do. What you definitely don’t want to do. And we’ll figure it out.”

Leia Organa-Solo, Finn thinks, is a truly wonderful woman. He sits on his bed opposite her, searching for the answers to her questions.

“Well… I want to do something positive, that makes a difference. And I don’t ever want to go back into the service. I’m good with people, really.”

She gives him another thoughtful look, and he wonders whether she’s about to tell him his whole destiny. He doesn’t think he’d mind if she did.

“Finn, I think there’s a lot you could do with that. I can think of several things off the top of my head. But it’s going to take time, and you’re probably going to have to qualify for whatever it is. I don’t want to make any decisions for you, and I don’t think you should make any decisions quickly. That said, I think perhaps you should come work for me. Not forever, but for now. I can give you something to tide you over, something where you can know you’re making a difference, no matter how small, and you can pay your rent while you find your feet. And then, when you do work out what you want to do, come to me and we’ll make it happen. Whether that’s time or money or support, we’ll make it happen.”

He knows he’s gaping at her, blinking gormlessly at this woman who’s swept into his apartment and solved all his problems at once, but he can’t help it. What she’s offering is too good to be true. Too good for someone like him, someone who was trained, who spent years, killing and maiming and only did it because he didn’t know what else to do. He’s not worth what she’s offering and he doesn’t know how to tell her that. He opens his mouth to tell her that but she raises her hand to silence him.

“I know where your mind is taking you. I know what you’re thinking about yourself. I understand those thoughts, I do, but I am not interested in listening to them, because they are wrong. Whatever you were trained to be, Finn, whatever you were told as you grew up, you’re not that. You’re not a soldier, you’re a sensitive, caring person who wants to help not fight. And quite frankly, you’re almost family, given that Rey is almost family and I know the two of you are perhaps more brother and sister than Luke and I are. So: say thank you, stop doubting yourself, and come to my office first thing Monday.”

“Yes ma’am. Thank you, ma’am, this is… thank you.”

She nods at him approvingly and he’s still too shocked to do anything but watch as she stands up and heads for the door. At the last minute she stops, turns back to him.

“One last thing, Finn.”

“Anything, ma’am”

“Poe Dameron asked me to give you his number.”

“…Poe….number…he what?” Okay, it’s official, his day is bizarre and he’d quite like to wake up from this dream now, even though he knows it’s going to be hell to go back to a world where he doesn’t work for the General, where gorgeous, charming ex-pilots don’t ask for his number.

“Poe Dameron asked me to pass on his number. Said he’d love it if you got in touch. I said I would.” She takes a card out of her pocket, blank except for her name, and on the back is scrawled a number, handwriting messy in a way that tells him instinctually that the General didn’t write it. He takes it carefully, because this thing is worth more than his whole apartment, and looks up to see Leia smiling at him.

“You make sure you contact him. I’ll know if you don’t.” She gives him one last smirk and then breezes out the door, and were it not for the card and the faint smell of roses, he’d think he’d imagined it all.

\---

Finn spends exactly one hour and thirty-four minutes panicking about what exactly he’s supposed to say to Poe. Why did Poe want him to get in touch? Was it to ask him out? No, of course not, don’t be ridiculous. More than likely Finn managed to leave something in Poe’s car on Friday, and Poe wants to give it back. Yes, that makes sense. Of course, if that were the case, surely he’d just have given whatever it was to the General and… no, okay, you don’t make the General your errand boy.

After he passes the one-hour mark, the voice in his head that sounds like Rey and tells him to grow a pair starts speaking particularly loudly, so he steels himself and picks up his phone. He programmes the number in, resists the urge to add hearts after Poe’s name, he may feel like a lovesick schoolgirl but he doesn’t have to act like one damnit. He spends another twenty-two minutes writing and deleting the text, again and again, changing each word, each letter, each punctuation mark. Finally, finally, he settles on **“Hi, it’s Finn. The General said you wanted to talk?”,** and sends it before he can overthink. He watches the notification change from sent to delivered, flops back onto his bed and stares at his ceiling, wondering what the hell is happening to him.


	5. Call me maybe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had a day off yesterday, but I'm back on my bullshit today. This is an entirely Finn/Poe chapter, and they're finally talking more! I'm already halfway through chapter 6, so I'll hopefully get that out tomorrow. As always, kudos and comments genuinely make my whole day!

Poe’s sitting in his weekly departmental briefing on Thursday afternoon when he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He’s bored out of his brain, and yet Suralinda will not stop going on about the budget, so he doesn’t feel too guilty sliding his phone out to check who it is. Hopefully Jess or Snap to entertain him because he is struggling.

It’s not Jess, and it’s not Snap. He doesn’t have the number saved but as soon as he reads the message and realises who it’s from, he panics so much he drops his phone, dives under the table to retrieve it, and bangs his head on the underside of the table in his hurry to sit back up. He emerges, gingerly rubbing his head, to find that Suralinda is still droning on, but that Amilyn is giving him a dirty look. He mouths “sorry” at her and puts his phone face down on the table in front of him, as if to demonstrate that he’s not looking at it, not skiving off. Of course, now it’s burning a hole in his soul because he knows there’s an unread message from Finn on there and he can’t check it for at least half an hour. This meeting is just getting worse and worse.

Finally, at long last, Suralinda finishes her monologue and Amilyn makes the last few announcements. She reminds them about the deadlines coming up for funding requests, and the library’s new twelve week minimum notification period for new set texts, and then she mercifully sets them free. Poe feels like his students must at the end of his two-hour lectures, and he tries not to race for the door. He manages to leave his phone firmly in his pocket until he’s back in his office, safely tucked away behind a closed door, so no one can see just how much he’s freaking out.

**Unknown: Hi, it’s Finn. The General said you wanted to talk?**

Well, shit. He didn’t think Leia would move that quickly, he thought she’d make him stew, but he had clearly underestimated how keen she was on setting him and Finn up. Okay, that’s good. No more waiting. He saves the number to his phone with a lovesick sigh that would put an Austen character to shame. Now all he has to do is reply.

**Poe: Hi, yeah, good to hear from you buddy. I just thought it might be good to hang out sometime**

**If you want**

**No pressure**

_Triple texting, so cool Poe,_ he berates himself, banging his forehead head on the desk gently and staring at his shoes in the hope that when he looks up he’ll find he hasn’t just sent three messages in a row to Finn. No such luck. What he does find, a minute later, is a reply.

**Finn: Sure, that’d be cool.**

**Poe: Great! How are you doing anyway?**

**Finn: Alright I guess. It’s been a crazy week. You?**

**Poe: I’m golden. Wanna talk about it?**

Poe is officially losing his mind. Why would Finn want to talk about what has clearly been a difficult week with him of all people? They barely know each other! Just because Poe has imprinted on Finn like a baby duckling to its mother, doesn’t mean Finn is even remotely interested in Poe.

**Finn: Yeah, that’d be good actually. We could call later? I don’t really feel like typing out an essay, and I’m about to head to the gym anyway.**

**Poe: Sure thing, sounds good! You tell me when and I’ll call.**

And now he’s just signed himself up for a phone call that he knows he’ll spend fixating over Finn’s smooth, deep voice rather than actually listening. He’s terrible over the phone, half his conversation is in his hands, why did he say yes so readily? He was distracted, he thinks, by the mention of Finn in the gym. Logically Poe knew Finn must work out or do something to look like that, to have broad shoulders and a strong chest, to have thighs that make Poe want to weep. He just hadn’t got as far as picturing Finn in sweats or gym shorts, lifting weights or playing football, his skin glowing as he works up a sweat. Oh god, he’s really screwed now, because he can’t stop thinking about it and all the blood is rushing… away from his head. No, he has to stop, he’s at work damnit. Be a professional. He’s just going to go to his last class, give a perfectly normal lecture, and then get straight in his car and go home. And if he has to spend a little longer than usual in the shower picturing Finn’s muscled thighs and what it might feel like to be held in his thick arms, well that’s neither here nor there. He’s going to teach this class, go home, deal with his problem, and then he’s going to call Finn and try to be attentive. Easy, right?

He bangs his forehead back down onto the desk.

\---

Finn passes two hours in the gym lifting weights and exhausting himself on the machines, until his legs barely hold him up and his arms feel like cooked spaghetti. The whole time, all he can think about is the fact that he gets to speak to Poe tonight. That Poe wants to talk to him. That Poe cares enough about his weird week to ask, and to dedicate time to listening. Finn is going to have an aneurysm.

Instead, he limps his way to the showers and then home, and decides that four PM is far too early for Poe to call, so he’s going to have to occupy himself until later. He starts sorting through his desk, all the work he won’t be using anymore. It’s all neatly stacked by his bin, until he has empty folders to spare and it takes two trips to take it all out to his building’s recycling. Then he gathers up all his text books and starts posting on the course social media groups, offering them for sale. He’s done all that and it’s only quarter to five, so he finds himself methodically sorting through his whole apartment, tidying and cleaning and getting his life together in a way he hasn’t bothered since he started his undergraduate degree. It’s tiring but it feels good, and when he’s finished and grabbed himself a quick dinner, it’s nearly eight thirty. He suddenly feels bad, what if Poe has to get an early night or has sat waiting for his text? He scrambles for his phone, charging by his bed, and shoots Poe a quick message.

It’s barely a minute later when his phone starts to ring, buzzing itself nearly off the table before Finn psyches himself up enough to answer.

“Hi” He’s holding his breath, almost afraid that this isn’t really happening.

“Hey, Finn! How are you doing man?” He lets his breath out in one big sigh, already obsessing over how charming and easy-going Poe sounds, how pleased he seems to hear from Finn.

“Hey, Poe. I’m alright, how are you?”

“Oh, who cares about me, let’s talk about you.” Finn can hear the laugh in Poe’s voice, and he chuckles slightly, just so overwhelmed with warmth to be talking to this gorgeous man.

“Ah, I guess I did promise to explain”

“Yeah you did, so I’m just gonna sit here and listen, you talk as much as you need buddy”

So he does, he talks in a way he never really does with anyone except Rey, completely open and honest. It’s crazy because Finn doesn’t share his emotions, always schools his face and his voice carefully so as to avoid giving anything away, years of bullies or critical foster parents leaping on him for any slight show of defiance or weakness teaching him to mask his emotions. But now, with Poe, he’s honest. Finn tells him about the meeting with Phasma, about how he’d always felt out of place, like he didn’t really want this degree, only what it signified. How the thought of actually working in the field made him want to scream with boredom and frustration, how he doesn’t want to end up in the shitty sanitation department of city planning, how he’s so glad that isn’t an option anymore. Then he tells Poe how scared he is, how he has no idea what to do next and he’s terrified he’s made a mistake. How afraid he is that Rey will be disappointed with him, because she’s so smart and committed and she’s about to get her PhD and he’s such a failure compared to her. How he’s scared Leia will see that she’s put her faith in the wrong person, will turn away from him when she realises he’s not as good as she thinks. He talks and talks until he can’t go on, and he just trails off mid-sentence, exhausted but about a million tons lighter than he thinks he’s ever been.

“Wow” Poe says, “It sounds like you’re carrying an awful lot on your shoulders there Finn. That can’t be easy. Do you want to know what I think?” And Finn realises that he does, desperately, in a way he can’t explain at all. He’s longing for Poe’s approval, his advice, his reassurance.

“I think it sounds like you’ve made a really important decision, the right one, and you should be proud of yourself for being brave enough to do that. I think Rey is always going to be proud of you, and love you, and she’s never going to think less of you for choosing a different path for yourself. She doesn’t expect you to follow her, to do what she does, she just wants you to be happy, if she’s any kind of friend at all. And I think you’re a fool if you think Leia Organa-Solo can’t see exactly who and what you are. That woman has never been deceived in her life, and if she thinks you’re alright, if she wants you to work for her, well I’d trust her judgement if I were you.”

Finn’s grinning by the time Poe finishes speaking, and he feels like he’s been waiting to hear someone tell him all that, like he needed it. Hearing it from Poe, who he’s already half in love with, is even better. Poe, confident, charming, swaggering Poe who’s had two incredibly successful careers and who Leia has practically adopted, thinks that he’s doing the right thing, and he’s suddenly beaming.

“Thanks Poe. I appreciate it. I just get in my head sometimes.”

“We all do, don’t worry about it. Even hotshots like me.” Finn giggles, then immediately curses himself for the childish sound, until Poe’s laugh sounds through the phone like honey.

“So, besides uprooting your whole life, what’s going on with you?” Finn snuggles down into his pillows, content to sit and chat with this gorgeous man as the night grows late, just wishing he could see Poe’s sparkling eyes, watch his unruly curls bounce as he gets excited.

“Not a lot. The gym mainly. I’m finally getting good enough to beat Rey when we spar.”

“What?! I’ve heard Ben talk about her skills, that’s impressive! Rumour has it she put Chewie flat on his back one time.”

“That’s not a rumour, I was there!” Finn launches into the story. He's delighted just to talk to Poe, to hear about Poe’s week, his boring meetings and his intelligent students, his dog’s antics.

“BeeBee sounds like a menace, I want to meet her” he tells Poe eventually, without thinking.

“I think you’d get along. How about we go for coffee sometime, I’ll bring her and we can go to the dog park. If you throw her ball even once she’ll be your best friend for life.” Finn is caught up in the image of it, wandering through the park with Poe, side by side, almost like they belonged together, laughing and joking. His heart stutters at the thought of taking Poe’s hand, of other people seeing them together, happy.

“I’d really like that Poe.” He says, and after perhaps a beat too long, Poe replies.

“So would I. We’ll make it happen.” Finn wants to dance at the idea, but he restrains himself and just wiggles his toes happily instead.

Suddenly Poe’s end of the conversation is muffled, and he can hear rustling and then Poe’s voice, distant, swearing softly.

“Shit, I’m sorry, that was BeeBee. She’s getting impatient with me because she wants her evening walk and it’s already – oh shit, it’s eleven o’clock? I usually take her out at about ten before bed. I’m sorry buddy, I think I have to go.”

“No, don’t worry, I understand. BeeBee needs your attention too.” Finn’s sad to let Poe go, but he’s still happy because they’ve been talking for over two hours and he feels lighter than air. “You should go. I’m pretty tired anyway.”

“Okay, if you’re sure. It was so good to talk to you Finn. I really would like to see you soon, if you want?”

“I’d love that.”

“Good.” He can hear the smile in Poe’s voice. “I’ll text you, yeah?”

“Yeah. Bye Poe!” They hang up and Finn flops onto his back, holds his phone to his chest and loses himself in thoughts of Poe, memories of his voice, until his phone buzzes in his hand. It’s a text from Poe, a photo of BeeBee outside, clearly very happy to be there, and the message says “You’re gonna love this girl, and she’s gonna love you. She’s got good taste in people.”

Finn grins at his phone. He’s still grinning half an hour later when he drifts off to sleep.

\---

Poe's whole Friday is spent in a daze, because he’s completely unable to get his mind off Finn. He’d spent the first twenty minutes of their conversation freaking out, trying to come off as charming and relaxed when he was actually terrified, but eventually he’d gotten lost in Finn’s voice, Finn’s life, Finn in general, and forgotten to be worried about making a good impression. Finn had shared so much of himself with Poe, and now he felt like maybe he could do the same. All the things he worries about, the things that stop him from trying to date, maybe Finn would understand. They’ve had wildly different lives, but maybe Finn will be sympathetic to his flashbacks, his nightmares, his weird habits that stem from what happened to him. Maybe… they could actually give this a shot. That is, of course, if Finn is even interested. Poe is desperate to know if Finn is single, if he’s straight or if he might possibly be into Poe, but he’d managed to stop himself coming out with a cheesy “So what does your partner think about that?” line, just.

He had texted Finn last night, just a stupid picture of BeeBee, and another this morning, hoping it made Finn smile and trying not to worry about being needy. Clearly, he needn’t have fretted because Finn replied this morning with a picture of Rey’s smiling face in the coffee shop, and they’ve been chatting ever since. They’re not really saying anything huge, just silly messages, but it makes Poe grin like a fool every time his phone buzzes. He’s had more than a few funny looks in the corridors, he’s sure of it, but he’s too thrilled to even pretend to care.

He’s learnt Finn’s more of a dog person than a cat person (thank goodness), and that he loves sci-fi films. He knows now that Finn and Rey always have coffee together on Friday mornings, and that Finn can apparently cook, despite the leftovers Leia was forcing on him. He’s discovered that Finn is Yoruba, that he worked really hard to develop a connection to the heritage he lost along with his birth parents, and that includes learning to cook jollof rice and pounded yam and some kind of soup that he says Poe absolutely has to try. Poe is pretty sure Finn could persuade him to do anything, so he makes a joke about how Finn will have to cook it for him sometime, and tries to ignore the butterflies in his stomach when Finn says he’d love to.

Eventually, he’s so buoyed up by the conversation they’re having and how there’s never an awkward moment, how he never has to stop to think about what to say next, that he just comes right out and asks Finn if he’d like to go for coffee.

**Finn: Only if I get to meet BeeBee?**

**Poe: Of course, I made a promise didn’t I? When suits you?**

**Finn: Is tomorrow too soon?**

Poe has to actively repress the urge to squeal like a schoolgirl, and quickly types a response.

**Poe: Not at all. 3pm? There’s a good place on Fourth Street, near the park?**

**Finn: Sounds perfect. I’ll see you there.**

He doesn’t quite manage to repress the squeal this time round.


	6. Memories best forgotten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check the end notes for trigger warnings, a couple of things in here that might make you uncomfortable.
> 
> Finally they're going on a date! As always, comments/kudos make me happier than Finn makes Poe, so pls<3

It’s Saturday and Finn is completely unprepared to go on what might or might not be a date with Poe Dameron.

He has two hours before he has to meet Poe, one and a half before he has to leave the house, and he’s currently wandering hopelessly through his apartment in his boxers. He has no clue what to wear, no clue what he’s doing. How is he supposed to sit across from Poe, with his perfect hair and his gorgeous smirk, and pretend he isn’t already obsessed? He’s avoided telling Rey about this, deciding he’s going to try to work out if it really is a date before he tells her, which means he’s desperately seeking reassurance he can’t ask her for. He finally decides on a pair of black skinny jeans and some Chelsea boots, with a grey Henley, and he double and triple checks his appearance in the mirror before he leaves.

When Finn arrives at the coffee shop Poe had suggested, he sees Poe outside. He recognises BeeBee first, from the pictures, because Poe is facing away from him. Finn tries his absolute hardest not to stare at Poe’s ass, which is a herculean struggle, and instead focuses on the way he seems to be looking around. If he didn’t know better, he’d think Poe was nervous, waiting for him to arrive, but he knows that people as gorgeous as Poe, who have their lives together like that, don’t get nervous over people like Finn. After a minute, Poe turns to face him and his whole face lights up when he spots Finn. Before he knows it, he’s returning the smile, raising a hand as he approaches ( _oh my god Finn why are you waving?_ He thinks). Poe is grinning at him, and Finn feels like he could get lost in his eyes, in the crinkles he gets when he smiles, in the way he’s talking softly to BeeBee as Finn draws closer.

“Okay BeeBee, this is Finn, best behaviour now” he hears, and can’t help but chuckle.

Before he greets Poe he bends down to BeeBee’s height and reaches his hand out for the dog to sniff. He gets a curious look from the dog, who shuffles forwards just a little… she takes a couple of sniffs, looks up at Poe as if for reassurance, and then promptly tries to climb Finn’s bent knee for cuddles. Finn is thrilled, and he reaches both hands out to give BeeBee scritches, trying to keep his face out of the range of the dog’s tongue at the same time. He’s laughing as he does, and he can hear Poe starting to laugh too, even as he apologises.

“I’m so sorry Finn, she gets a bit overenthusiastic when she meets new people, oh god BeeBee stop trying to lick, that’s rude!”

“No it’s okay, don’t worry, I love her! She’s gorgeous! We’re best friends now, aren’t we bub?” He realises he’s using a baby voice to talk to the dog, and he can’t even stop himself. Luckily, Poe doesn’t seem to mind.

“Honestly you might be, she’s certainly getting bored of me – not enough walks.”

“Oh don’t, who could get bored of you?” Finn curses his own inability to shut up and thanks all the stars that his skin is too dark to blush.

“Flattery will get you everywhere, keep it up. Shall we grab a drink?”

“Yeah, sure, after you”

Poe leads the way into the little coffee shop, and the girl behind the counter seems to know him because she smiles and asks if he wants the usual. Poe nods and turns to Finn expectantly. He orders an iced tea that Poe won’t let him pay for, and they chat as they wait.

Before long they’re back out in the sunshine, and BeeBee is pulling on the lead, clearly knowing where they’re going. Poe keeps telling him to wait but the dog is having none of it. They end up walking much quicker than they had started out, and when they make it to the dog park BeeBee is whining and fidgeting while Poe tries to let him off the lead.

“She really wants to go huh?”

“She just has more energy than she can handle, she needs to run don’t you buddy?” Poe’s doing a baby voice too, so Finn doesn’t feel as bad about his earlier attempts.

“Should I be worried that you use the same nickname for me and the dog?” Poe’s head shoots up and Finn smirks, enjoying teasing him.

“Oh god no, don’t laugh at me, I just… It slips out before I realise. I can stop if you like? I know it annoys some people?”

“No, Poe, it’s fine don’t worry. It’s kinda sweet I guess.”

“Well that’s good. I’m glad you like BeeBee. It’s kind of a deal breaker y’know?”

“If I’d been a cat person you’d have turned around and left then?”

“Maybe not, but if you’d been mean to her then definitely, no one messes with my dog. It’s just the sign of a bad character right?”

“Oh one hundred percent. She’s clearly your baby”

“It’s embarrassing isn’t it? I’m a thirty-eight-year-old man who treats his dog like his child, oh god” Poe’s covering his face, clearly embarrassed.

“At least you admit you’re an old man” Poe is giving him a mock offended look, and shoving at his shoulder as he starts to laugh.

“Wow, you should show your elders some respect Finn”

They’re laughing and giggling, wandering through the park and watching BeeBee cause chaos. Finn loses himself in the conversation, they’re just chatting about Rey and Leia and their mutual friends, about Poe’s job, anything really. It feels easy, relaxed, and Finn’s never found it this easy to chat to someone on a first date… _maybe that’s because it’s not a date at all,_ his traitorous mind supplies, but he tries to ignore the thought and focus on being present instead.

“So do you know what Leia’s going to have you doing?”

“Nope, no idea… probably working the photocopier knowing my luck.”

“I doubt it. Leia probably has something special picked out for you.”

“You think?”

“Yeah, of course! She loves to hear new opinions, and she’s good at finding people’s strengths. You know, when-“ Before Poe can carry on, someone bumps into his shoulder, hard. It’s a teenager playing catch or something, backing up to try to catch the ball. He apologises straight away, fumbling for the ball and running off, and Finn watches him leave, turning back to Poe. He expects Poe to carry on, or to say something at least, but he’s… he’s staring into the distance, he’s shaking, his hands are clenched and he’s breathing in but not out.

“Poe? Are you okay?” Finn starts to really worry when Poe doesn’t reply, doesn’t even look at him, or show that he’s heard at all.

“Poe? What’s going on? What can I do?” Still no response, and Poe’s breathing is coming in pants now, his chest rising and falling rapidly. Finn realises he's having a panic attack.

“Shit. Okay. We can handle this. Poe. Poe I need you to listen to me, look at me.” He very carefully reaches for Poe’s hands, taking his clenched fists and holding on tight. He moves into Poe’s eyeline and Poe’s eyes dart to his suddenly.

“It’s okay, you’re going to be okay. Just breathe with me, in…and out…in…and out… that’s it, you’re doing really well Poe.” Poe is managing to breathe in time with Finn, and he’s still shaky and his eyes keep flitting around him, like he’s searching for something.

“Hey, Poe, look at me. Just look at me. Focus on me.” He gently steers Poe until his back is to a tree, “There we go, I’m going to put your back to the tree, Poe, it’s alright. No one can come up behind you, and I’m here, you’re safe. Nothing’s going to happen, I promise. Just keep breathing… in… and out…” Finn keeps repeating himself, letting Poe focus on him rather than anything else. Slowly, gradually, Poe seems to come back to himself a little. He’s still jumpy, panicked and frightened, but he’s not hyperventilating anymore, so that’s something.

“Finn…” He manages to get out only one word, and Finn holds his hands firmly, as they slowly uncurl from fists and grab onto his tightly.

“That’s right Poe, I’m here. Don’t worry, everything’s okay. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.”

A presence at Finn’s side makes him look away from Poe, and it’s BeeBee, snuffling up to Poe and looking as worried as Finn feels. Poe lets go of one of Finn’s hands, reaching for BeeBee, pulling her onto his lap and holding him close. BeeBee seems used to this treatment, and Finn wonders how often this happens. Poe slowly seems to come to, as if he’s surfacing from underwater. He blinks, looks at BeeBee for a long minute and then slowly, hesitantly, up at Finn.

“Hey, are you alright?” Finn resists the urge to cup Poe’s gorgeous face in his hand, to hold him. He just wants to help, somehow, any way he can.

“I’m so sorry… oh my god… Finn I’m so sorry… I didn’t… you were never supposed to see…” Poe's breathing is already getting less regular, and Finn shakes his head, holds Poe's hand in both of his, rubbing circles with his thumb and trying to speak gently. 

“No. Poe, stop. You need to stop. Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for.”

“Finn, that was… I’m sorry. I’ve been doing so well and I didn’t think… god you must be so annoyed”

“Annoyed? Poe I’m not annoyed. You had a panic attack, it’s not your fault, and it’s not something to get annoyed about.”

Poe is looking up at him, almost as if he’s surprised at what Finn’s saying. Finn can’t help thinking that perhaps someone else has been annoyed at him for this, or maybe he’s just convinced himself that he’s a burden. Either way, Finn wants to take away his worries, soothe him.

“I think maybe I should get you two home. Are you alright to stand? To walk?”

“Yeah, I’ll be okay” Finn helps him up anyway. He bends down to clip BeeBee’s lead back on, and then presses the lead into Poe’s hand, hoping that giving him something to hold, to do, will help him focus a little. Then he wraps an arm around Poe’s shoulders, and slowly they leave the park. Poe manages to stutter directions, or to point the way, and eventually they make it back to his building. Finn walks him all the way to his door.

“I’d invite you in but… I think I really need to be on my own right now….”

“Poe, of course. I understand. Don’t worry at all. Just promise me you’ll look after yourself?”

“Yeah, I will.”

Finn is reluctant to leave him, hates the thought of leaving him alone after such a horrible experience, but Poe is telling him he needs to be alone and he’s not doing to argue. Instead, he smiles once last time at Poe, and walks away. He’s halfway down the street when he sees the restaurant, and he quickly forms a plan.

\---

Poe’s lying on his couch, disassociating pretty badly with BeeBee in his arms, when his phone goes off. He rubs his eyes and leans forward to grab his phone off the coffee table. It’s a text from Finn, and he feels a wave of guilt wash over him for ruining what could have been a lovely afternoon, the start of something good. The text simply reads “look outside” … Poe’s dubious, but he trusts Finn enough to go to his door and look.

On his doormat is a carrier bag. Inside, he discovers, are takeout containers. He quickly realises it’s from the Indian place down the street. Some kind of rich curry, bhajia, naan, rice, all neatly packaged up. His phone pings again, and he heads back inside with the bag, to find another text from Finn.

**Finn: I remember you said you loved spicy food, so I figured this might help. Can’t have you skipping meals.**

Poe is blindsided by the concern, the kindness. Usually, when he has a panic attack in front of anyone except his dad or his closest friends, people get irritated when he doesn’t calm down quick enough. They get annoyed, after the first couple of times, when he doesn’t get any better. They leave as quickly as they can, not wanting to deal with someone with as much trauma as he has. He was already pretty amazed by how calmly and competently Finn had handled his breakdown earlier. And now this. It lights a tiny spark in his heart, hope, and he wonders if maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t blown it before they’ve even got started.

**Poe: Thank you. I’m really sorry for ruining our date earlier. You really didn’t have to do this but it means a lot that you did.**

He sends it before he can stop himself, and then realises he called it a date. Shit. What if Finn had thought it was just two friends hanging out? What if Finn’s straight? The spark in his chest dies pretty quick. His phone goes off yet again, and he’s almost too scared to read it, but he figures today can’t get any worse so he might as well.

**Finn: I’m really glad that was a date. I was worried it was just wishful thinking.**

**And you didn’t ruin it. Not how I expected it to go, but I’m happy to try again if you are?**

Poe is sure he’s imagining things the first four times he reads the messages. After six re-reads, he’s pretty convinced his phone says what he thinks it says. He’s smiling, just a little, exhausted after earlier, but feeling just a little better because Finn, impossibly competent, cool, breath-taking Finn, wanted it to be a date. Wants to date him. He replies quickly.

**Poe: I’d like that. A lot.**

**Finn: I’m glad to hear it. Now go eat your dinner, watch some cheesy rom-com or something, and get an early night. Look after yourself for me.**

Poe has butterflies in his chest as he plates up his food, and does exactly what Finn suggested. He knows he won’t sleep later, he never does after a panic attack, but he can at least spend the night thinking of Finn and their next date instead.

A few hours later, he’s fast asleep on the couch, tucked up in a fluffy blanket, BeeBee on his knee. He’s got a full stomach, and Netflix is flashing the “still watching?” message in the background, but he’s fully unconscious. For once, he doesn’t have nightmares, and even though he wakes up with a bad back because of the sofa, he’s happy. Yesterday wasn’t all bad, he supposes.

\---

Finn is restless that evening, fretting over Poe. He worries that Poe won’t be able to sleep, won’t eat the food, won’t look after himself. He’s over the moon that they’re going to go on another date, that this was even a date, but he’s worried. Eventually he manages to stop himself pacing, and heads to the gym. Not the most exciting way to spend a Saturday evening, but it’s the only way he can clear his head.

When he emerges from the changing rooms, he sees that Ben is there, working his way through the machines and listening to his earphones. As Finn wanders over, he realises he can hear the music from several feet away. It sounds like Evanescence, and if he was in a better mood, he’d have an absolute field day about Ben’s emo music, but he’s too worked up to even try. Ben looks up at him, not even surprised, which Finn guesses is fair given how often he’s here lately. Ben takes one earphone out and mumbles hello in his deep voice.

“Hey. Can I ask you something?”

Ben looks slightly worried, clearly unsure where this is going, but he shrugs and says “sure” anyway.

“You said Poe got it. That he understands. You implied there was… stuff… in his past.”

“Yeah” Ben looks uncomfortable now.

“What happened to him?”

“I can’t tell you that. It’s not mine to tell. What happened?”

“We were… we were on a date” Ben’s mouth twists into a smirk and Finn wants to roll his eyes. “We were on a date, and he had a panic attack. He freaked out.”

“Is he alright? You didn’t just leave him?” Ben stands up, looking down (and down and down) at Finn as if he’s starting to get angry.

“What?! No! Of course I didn’t, I’m not a jackass. I calmed him down and took him home and left him food.”

“Oh… good.” Ben deflates rapidly.

“I just want to know why. I want to understand.” Finn is pleading now, and Ben is looking even more uncomfortable. He looks down at the ground, runs his giant hands through his hair and then looks back at Finn.

“Look… I can’t tell you what happened, that’s for him to tell you. But… you ever try googling yourself?”

Finn is confused about the change of topic.

“No, why would I?”

“Dunno man, some people do that. You never know what you’ll see if you search someone’s name.” He’s raising his eyebrows at Finn, and suddenly it makes sense.

“Oh… right. Okay. Thanks Ben”

“I didn’t tell you anything. You didn’t get anything from me.”

“No, of course not.”

“And… Finn, he’s… Poe deserves to be happy. So, if you’re going to freak out, if you’re going to walk away… Do it now, not once you’ve gotten serious.”

“I’m not going to freak out Ben”

“Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, Poe deserves to be happy.”

“I know. I agree.”

Ben nods at him once, then puts his earphones back in and goes back to his machine, acting as if Finn isn’t even there.

Finn heads to the other end of the gym, takes his time wrapping his hands, and starts taking his frustration and confusion and worry out on the punching bag, wondering what exactly he’s going to find if he goes home and searches Poe’s name.

\---

He tries so hard to resist looking. He doesn’t want to invade Poe’s privacy, like Ben said, he’ll talk about it when he’s ready. But now he knows he could find out, he can’t bear the temptation. He’s imagining scenarios that are probably way worse than the truth, and he’s starting to work himself into a state again. He types and deletes and retypes Poe’s name about ten times before he eventually presses enter. He immediately regrets it, wants to click back out of the search results, but the headlines catch his eye before he can.

He feels like he’s been punched. He can’t help it, he scrolls through two pages of results, horrified. Sure, there’s Poe’s staff profile from the university, which is innocent enough, and there’s a couple of results from Leia’s foundation where Poe has clearly become a sponsor or a trustee or something. But the rest… the rest are all a variation of the same theme. And it’s horrific. Worse than what Finn was imagining, he feels sick just reading the headlines, can’t bear to click on them, to read the articles and find how awful it really is. Instead he closes the browser, shuts his laptop and collapses onto his bed, staring at the ceiling. Even when manages to close his eyes hours later, the words still swim in front of his eyes, haunt his dreams.

**_DOWNED PILOT FINALLY RECOVERED – POE DAMERON’S THREE-MONTH CAPTIVITY AND TORTURE REVEALED_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for panic attacks, disassociating, and mild mention of torture. The panic attack is dealt with gently by other characters, and Poe's alright in the end, but don't read it if it makes you uncomfortable. The torture mention is not graphic at all, it's literally the word torture, but it's going to become a bit of a theme in this story so pls take care of yourselves


	7. Coming clean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, end notes for some trigger warnings
> 
> So this is the chapter that started this whole thing, the image I had in my head when I first started writing. Obviously it's not the end or anything drastic like that, it's just the first big milestone for me. 
> 
> As always, comments and kudos genuinely make me overjoyed, and they also motivate me to write, so keep 'em coming!

The next day is Sunday, and Finn figures the only way to deal with the mess inside his head right now is to talk to Rey. He sends her an SOS text, tells her he needs advice, and an hour later he’s at her and Ben’s apartment. When Rey had told Ben that Finn was coming over for “girl talk” he’d beat a hasty retreat and left them to it, still almost pathologically incapable of dealing with emotions (except Rey’s, which he seems to handle remarkably well), and Finn is sort of glad. He doesn’t mind Ben but he’s about to have a very difficult conversation and he’d rather it was just his best friend who heard him ramble on.

Rey makes him tea and sits him down on her overstuffed couch. Then she just stares at him, clearly waiting.

“Right. So. I need to catch you up a bit. Me and Poe, we-“

“You went on a date, yes I know.”

“How did you – Ben. Should have guessed”

“He’s terrible at keeping secrets, what can I say. I encourage it, it’s useful.”

“Okay, whatever. We went on a date. We’ve been texting, and then yesterday we went for coffee and he brought BeeBee and we wandered around the park. And that was good, until he had a panic attack. So I talked him down, and walked him home, and then I took him Indian food because I was worried and he likes curry and he shouldn’t skip meals and… yeah, okay, anyway. So then last night I went to the gym, and I saw Ben, which you knew. But Ben wouldn’t tell me about whatever it is that’s messed Poe up, even though I asked. But he kinda hinted that I should look Poe up. Search his name.

“He. Did. What?!” Rey is really scary when she gets angry, and she certainly looks angry now. Finn is pretty glad Ben isn’t actually here because he knows this would escalate into one of their arguments that could go on for hours. He doesn’t need to witness that, and he definitely doesn’t need to be around for the apparently explosive make-up sex they usually have afterwards.

“He was trying to help, he said something about Poe deserving to be happy and if I was going to freak out and leave, I should do it now, not further down the line.”

“Right. Well he’s not wrong about that. That said, I am going to murder that big idiot. Why the hell would he tell you to search Poe? That’s such an invasion of his privacy I can’t even….” She suddenly points a finger at him accusingly, and Finn knows he’s got it coming, winces but prepares for the blow. “And YOU! You did it, didn’t you? You took his stupid advice and searched Poe up! That’s why you’re freaking out! Because you know what happened when you shouldn’t because Poe hasn’t had chance to tell you?”

“….Yeah” There’s no point in denying it, she knows him too well for that.

“I am surrounded by idiots!” Rey looks ready to go off on a real rant, and he knows he needs to cut her off before she gets any more worked up.

“Rey! Okay, I know I shouldn’t have done it, but it’s too late now. And I know I deserve to be yelled at because it’s a shitty thing to do, but I need your advice first, please, so I don’t hurt Poe, and then you can yell at me later? Please?”

She stares at him searchingly for a minute, and must come to a decision because she settles back into the couch cushion, picks up her mug and gestures for him to continue.

“So I’m obviously not going to walk away, just because of this”

Rey scoffs, “Obviously not, I know you better than that”. It’s kind of nice that no matter how little he might think of himself, Rey clearly believes he’s the kind of person that will stick around even though it’s tough. She didn’t think for a second that he would walk away from Poe. She’s the only person he’s ever had in his life who believes in him wholeheartedly, always, and he’s so lucky he found her.

“Right. I need to work out whether to tell him I know. I need to work out how to handle this in a way that won’t freak him out or hurt him because I don’t ever want to hurt him.”

“To start with, you cannot pity him. Never. Remember how angry you used to get when foster parents looked at us like we were broken toys, victims? He’s so much more sensitive. If you show him any pity he will leave.”

“I don’t pity him. I respect him. He got through all of that, and he came out the other side.”

“Good. That’s step one. You need to tell him though Finn, it’s only fair.”

“I was really afraid you were going to say that.”

“You knew I would, because you know it’s the right thing to do. So tell him. Let him be angry or hurt or however he’s feeling, apologise, and hope he realises you never meant to pry. That’s all you can do.”

Goddamn, Finn hates it when she’s right.

\---

Poe’s Sunday passes peacefully, despite the crick in his back and his neck from the sofa. He really should invest in a sofa bed one of these days because he seems to spend more nights in his living room than his actual bedroom. It’s probably got a lot to do with the light that streams through the windows, and how he can’t stand the dark anymore. But he’s well-rested, for him anyway, and he’s happy. He’s going to go on a date with Finn. A second date with Finn. And even if he cocked up the first one, Finn didn’t mind too much, and had brought him food and checked in but not been overbearing, which is exactly what Poe needed. He goes through the motions of his day, walking BeeBee and planning lectures and organising feedback meetings, but he can’t get his mind off Finn.

He makes it till the evening before he shoots off a quick text, just another thank you for yesterday and a picture of the stack of papers he has to mark with the caption “Think I’m going to get carpal tunnel”. He’s overjoyed when Finn responds.

**Finn: It certainly looks like it. Did you leave all your work till Sunday night?**

**Poe: No I most certainly did not (yes, pretty much)**

**But I was distracted, I can’t be blamed**

**I had a cute date**

**Finn: Did you really? You should tell me about him**

**Poe: I could do that, want to meet up and talk about it?**

He absolutely doesn’t feel doubt settle heavy in his gut when there’s a long wait for a reply.

**Finn: You’re so smooth Dameron, I’m impressed. You know I’d love to.**

**(also sorry for slow replies, I’m trying to get myself ready for tomorrow)**

**Poe: I’d totally forgotten it was your first day tomorrow! How are you feeling?**

**Finn: Nervous. I’m going to be so terrible at whatever they ask me to do**

**Poe: You’re going to be great buddy, I promise. Plus, Leia has seen it all so no matter how bad you think you’ll be, she’s definitely seen worse**

**Finn: that… weirdly made me feel better, thanks Poe**

**Poe: Anytime, happy to help. You should go finish getting sorted and get an early night. Big day tomorrow. Let me know how it goes?**

**Finn: I will. Night**

Poe has a little moment when Finn sends a kissy face after his text, but he figures he’s allowed to, because he’s really sweet on this guy. He turns back to his marking with a sigh, wishing Finn had stuck around to distract him, but knowing Finn’s big day was more important.

\---

Finn’s first day is utterly exhausting. Beyond exhausting. He feels like he’s been hit by a truck, and he’s been through army drill training, so he’s not exactly unused to hard work.

He’d made it on time, thank goodness, because he had restless dreams about Leia’s face if he’d been late. Luckily, he doesn’t find out what that looks like.

He’d promptly been handed off to someone named Statura, who had given him a quick tour of the building, told him about the five big projects Resistance is running at the moment, and had then given him his schedule. He had meetings to sit in on for most of the day, supposedly getting to grips with the way the foundation works and what work they do. He was told he’d be working mainly on the carceral justice project, which helps fund people’s bail money, and then helps them find lawyers and build a case to defend themselves. The project also does work to protect the rights of inmates, and to fight police brutality. It’s incredibly, and Finn feels really lucky to be working on a project like that, even if he knows he’s going to spend his first few weeks just playing catch up.

He didn’t see Leia till lunchtime, when she’d summoned him to her office and handed him a Tupperware of Han’s cooking, ordered him to sit down and tell her what he thought.

He’d enjoyed every single second of his first day, even if it had absolutely finished him off. He knows it’ll get easier once he adjusts, once he knows what’s going on, and to be honest he’s looking forward to going back tomorrow, and the next day. It’s a new feeling, once he’s relishing. As promised, he texts Poe when he gets home.

**Finn: Well that was exhausting**

**Poe: Good exhausting?**

**Finn: Hell yeah**

**I loved it**

**Poe: That’s fantastic! Tell me about it?**

**Finn: So I’m working on the carceral justice project, which is brilliant. Like it’s such a good cause and Leia just seems to get it, and everyone there works so hard and it’s just… I love it**

**Poe: I’m so happy for you buddy!**

**Finn: thank you. I am too.**

**Poe: guess you’re going to be too busy for that second date huh?**

Finn knows he’s going to spend the whole week tired as a dog, but he needs to see Poe, needs to explain himself and what he knows, and the sooner the better.

**Finn: We could do something low key. Just coffee or something tomorrow?**

**Poe: Sure, that would be great. I could come meet you when you finish?**

**Finn: Sounds great, I finish at 5:30 tomorrow.**

**Poe: Perfect, I’ll see you then**

Finn is now bubbling with anxiety about owning up to his mistake, but he knows he needs to do it. He owes it to Poe, and if he’s going to have any shot with this gorgeous man then he needs to come clean.

He tosses and turns all night, worrying, but eventually sleep claims him.

Finn forgets about the date, almost completely, during the day. He’s so busy and learning so much that it’s pushed to the back of his mind, and he’s grateful for the distraction.

By 5 though, it’s the only thing he can think about. He’s in an informal meeting between Leia, Statura, and the chief counsel for the carceral justice project, and he’s trying to pay attention because it’s so interesting and so important, but his brain is supplying him with image after image of how devastated Poe is going to look when he realises Finn has gone behind his back. Leia must notice, because she beckons him over at the end of the meeting. He’s got to meet Poe downstairs in a minute but you don’t say no to the General, so he follows her back to her office.

“You’re nervous. More nervous than you usually are around me.”

“Sorry ma’am”

“God you’re as bad as Dameron, don’t call me ma’am, Finn.”

“Sorry, Leia. I’m just… I’m seeing-“

“If it isn’t two of my favourite people!” Finn stops short when he hears Poe’s voice from the doorway, bright and cheery. Leia smiles wide, putting two and two together and assuming Finn was nervous about a date, and reaches over for a hug from Poe. He embraces her, winking at Finn, looking as perfect as ever. He’s let his stubble grow since Saturday, and Finn’s brain is stuck on a loop imagining the beard burn he’d get from that salt-and-pepper perfection. He shakes himself out of it in time to hear Leia shooing them out of her office, telling them to enjoy their evening, not to do anything she wouldn’t do. She’s laughing at Poe’s response, and Poe reaches for Finn’s hand as they walk out.

Finn spends a good minute focusing on how warm and gentle Poe’s hand is in his, before he’s back to obsessing over the conversation they need to have.

They make small talk on the way to the coffee shop down the street, and Finn attempts to act normal but he knows he’s not managing it. When Poe settles in the seat opposite him, pushing Finn’s tea across the table to him, Finn can’t hold it in any longer.

“I need to tell you something.”

Poe looks concerned, and Finn wishes he didn’t have to do this at all. But a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Rey’s tells him to get a grip and rip off the band aid.

“Okay… You can tell me anything buddy.”

“Right. Only this is… bad. I did something. I shouldn’t have done it, and I didn’t really intend to, but I couldn’t help myself once I knew there was the option. And I’m really sorry, because it was a terrible thing to do. I never meant to hurt you.” Poe is looking really worried now, and Finn realises he needs to just say it.

“After Saturday, I was worried about you. And I wanted to understand, to help, so I searched your name.” He misses out Ben’s involvement, doesn’t want to throw the poor guy under the bus after the earful he’ll have gotten from Rey on the topic. “And I didn’t read anything, I swear, I just saw the headlines and then I shut it down. I didn’t mean to invade your privacy, but I know that I have, and I’m sorry. I won’t ever do it again.”

He’s rambling, and he knows he is, but Poe’s face has shuttered completely. His eyes have gone hard, his hands are gripping his thighs so tightly his knuckles are white, and his nostrils are flaring.

“Please say something Poe”

“So you looked me up. You saw all the clickbait headlines, and you didn’t think that maybe I wasn’t ready to tell you about it? That if I was ready, I’d have told you?”

“I’m so sorry Poe, I never should have-“

“No. You shouldn’t. But you know what, this is good.” He laughs, but it’s completely humourless. “This is good. At least now you can leave, you don’t have to stick around only to bail when you find out. Because you know. I didn’t even have to go through the ordeal of telling you and seeing the pity on your face. Thanks for sparing me that. At least you were honest, I guess. At least I know why it’s over before it even started. Jesus. Great.”

“No, Poe! That’s not what I’m saying at-“

“No, Finn, I’m not interested in listening to excuses. You’ve told me why it’s done, so let it go”

And with that he storms out, fists still clenched, leaving Finn gaping at the empty space where he sat. He’s really fucked this one up.

\---

Poe’s anger lasts all the way home, but it deflates pretty quickly once he’s slammed his front door and sunk down on the other side of it. His head in his hands, he sits there and cries. He’s angry, sure, but mostly he’s just upset.

He’d thought Finn was different, better. He was obviously going to tell Finn about his past, just not yet. It’s still hard for him to talk about it two years later, and he was hoping to be just a little more secure before he dropped this bombshell. He knew he’d have to tell Finn before anything serious happened between them, because Finn would see the scars as soon as their relationship passed the hand-holding stage. But he thought he could have a few weeks, a month or two, to just enjoy it. Instead Finn has fast-tracked the process, beat him to the punch, and now he knows everything. He said he’d only read the headlines but Poe knows the sick sense of fascination that overcomes people when they hear. They ask the most inappropriate questions about it, about what had been done to him, and they want all the gory details. Finn has undoubtedly read the articles, surely knows why Poe hates small spaces and can’t bend all his fingers properly, why he has problems with eating regularly and can’t handle the dark. God, he thought he had more time.

He sits there and cries for what feels like hours but must only be a few minutes. When he feels like he’s used up all his tears he gets up, goes to his room and pulls on the huge sweater he stole from Snap just after he came back, finds fluffy socks and his hot water bottle. He’s curled up on the sofa, staring blankly into the middle distance, when there’s a knock on his door.

He doesn’t want to answer, of course, but he figures maybe Finn had been decent enough to tell Leia or Ben or someone, so they could be there for him. And honestly, he really needs a hug from someone right now, so he goes to open his door.

He doesn’t expect to see Finn on the other side. He really doesn’t expect to see Finn’s cheeks covered in tear tracks either. He’s speechless, doesn’t understand, and that means Finn can just start talking.

“I fucked up. I don’t think I made it clear. I am _so_ sorry that I did that, and I regret it. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I don’t pity you, you don’t need my pity. I respect you, and what you’ve been through, and I still really want to date you. It doesn’t change anything. I understand if you don’t want to date me anymore, because of what I did, but if you’ll have me, Poe, I really want to give this a shot. I don’t care about your past, I care about you.”

Poe isn’t any less speechless when Finn finishes his little speech, but he’s tearing up again, and he manages to suck in a big gulp of air.

“I… Finn… you don’t want to walk away?”

“No, Poe. I’m not leaving.”

This doesn’t make any sense to Poe, but he’s filled with nothing but hope and he can’t help but start to smile. Finn moves as if he wants to reach out, but then stops.

“Can I hold you?”

Poe doesn’t bother to answer, just wraps his arms around Finn’s shoulders and presses himself tightly against his body, so happy for the reassurance. Straight away Finn’s strong arms wrap around his waist, holding him just tight enough. One hand comes up to cradle the back of Poe’s neck, and he drops a kiss on the top of Poe’s head. Poe just about melts at that, and pulls away just a little so he can look at Finn.

“I thought you’d leave. No one wants to deal with all my baggage.”

“I do. If it means I get to date you, I’ll take it all.”

Poe knows he’s crying properly now, but he can’t stop. Slowly, so slowly, giving Poe plenty of time to pull away, Finn leans in. Poe’s eyes flicker closed as Finn’s perfect lips brush against his. It’s so soft, and sweet, Finn is holding him like he’s something precious and he’s kissing him so gently, Poe feels like he’s ripping apart at the seams. Finn’s hand comes to his cheek, thumb gently smoothing his tears away as he presses their lips together. Poe is lost in the kiss, in Finn. After what could have been a minute or a year, Finn pulls back, hand still on Poe’s cheek, arm still firmly around Poe’s waist.

“Does this mean we can try a proper second date?”

Poe can’t help but huff out a laugh, sniffing, trying to control his tears.

“Yeah buddy, we can.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for more mentions of torture and the after effects - Poe has claustrophobia, his fingers are pretty messed up, he has disordered eating patterns and he's scared of the dark because of what happened to him. There are no graphic descriptions of what happened in this chapter, but the after effects are mentioned.


	8. Blast from the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings at the end
> 
> Thank you all so much for the wonderful feedback! It made my whole week and I grinned and blushed for hours.
> 
> This chapter is a labour of love - I adored researching Yoruba food, which I only know a little about from friends, and giving Finn a proper name (not that I don't love his name). It's really important to me that Finn gets to have a connection to his heritage.
> 
> Also - all the stuff about what Poe went through is based on the methods of torture used by the CIA in the wake of 9/11. It was evil and messed up, and if you want to learn more you can read the summary of Dan Jones' report on it, or watch "The Report" with Adam Driver playing Dan Jones - but it's not for the faint of heart.
> 
> I try to root my fic in the real world, so things like that and Finn's heritage are realistic. So is Finn's job at Resistance - if you couldn't tell, he's getting BLM protestors out of jail, because they should not be there. So yeah, it's all a little political, but that's the way I roll.

It’s two weeks before they sit down and talk about what Finn knows, about what happened. Finn lets Poe take the lead, wait as long as he needs to before he tells him. He knows he messed up really badly not waiting in the first place, and it’s not a mistake he’s going to make twice – he tells Poe as much, and is graced with a smile that makes his heart ache. Eventually Poe sits him down one evening, and they talk it through. It takes hours, Poe has to take breaks halfway through his sentences a lot of the time, standing up and pacing or leaning into Finn for support. But slowly, slowly, the story emerges.

Poe, the best pilot in his squadron, had been flying reconnaissance over an area believed to be a hiding place for insurgents. He’d been stealthy and careful, but it hadn’t been enough. He was shot down, and because of the secrecy of his mission no one had realised he was missing for almost a full day. By that point it was too late, and he’d been taken by the very men he was trying to find. He tells Finn that he’d been stumbling through the foothills when they found him, dehydrated, half frozen and delirious, unable to resist. They’d taken him into the mountains where they were hiding, and he’d spent over three months at their mercy. The first month, he tells Finn, he’d known someone would come get him. He was a valuable pilot who knew valuable things, and he’d left enough wreckage that someone would find him. The second month, he says, he’d thought they’d come get him. It hadn’t been a certainty anymore, because he assumed the trail had gone cold, or that he’d be presumed dead, but he’d believed that someone would look, would work it out, would find him. The third month, he’d stopped knowing, stopped believing, stopped hoping. By that point he’d been too weak to try to fight, to escape, and he’d known he was going to die. Finn cries when Poe tells him, and Poe is already crying. Finn holds Poe’s hand as tight as he can, almost as if he might disappear if Finn doesn’t keep a firm hold on him. Poe admits that the six more days he’d spent in captivity were both the worst and most hopeful. He’d been moved four times in less than a week, and he was sure it was because someone was looking for him, was getting close. But he’d been scared that his captors would kill him, for being more trouble than he was worth.

He doesn’t go into real detail about what had been done to him, and Finn doesn’t ask. He tells Finn more about the effects than the torture, about how it’s still with him now. About the PTSD and the self-doubt, about the paranoia and the fear. Finn finds all the ways he can to make Poe’s day just a little better. Poe tells Finn he doesn’t like confined spaces, and Finn doesn’t need an explanation beyond the haunted look in his eyes. He never takes the elevator, even though his apartment is on the fourth floor. He says his fingers don’t work so well when it’s cold, and that his feet usually ache beyond belief, and Finn doesn’t ask questions. He does start taking BeeBee for walks more often, when Poe is busy working, hoping to give Poe’s feet a rest. He does start giving Poe foot massages sometimes, once he works out that Poe doesn’t mind him touching there, as long as he clearly telegraphs what he’s going to do. Poe hates to be cold, says it brings back bad memories, and when he’s having a bad day he’ll bundle himself up in this huge red hoodie he has, and put on fluffy socks. He doesn’t like scarves though, says he can’t stand something wrapped round his neck, and Finn doesn’t want to know the history behind that statement. He leaves his fluffiest jumper at Poe’s apartment “by accident”, and the first time he catches Poe wearing it he feels the most possessive, protective tug at his heart. He doesn’t like the dark, and he struggles if he wakes up and can’t see. This explains why his couch is usually covered in blankets, why Poe frequently falls asleep in front of the TV. Finn doesn’t comment, but one day he brings Poe a pack of stick-on stars for his bedroom ceiling, the ones that glow in the dark, in the hope that Poe will wake up and see the stars and be comforted rather than scared. (Poe doesn’t let Finn see, but he cries a bit when he realises what Finn has done and why he’s done it, and silently promises to do everything in his power to make Finn as happy as he deserves to be). He doesn’t like being dirty or messy, so the first time Finn sees him eating a pizza with a knife and fork he almost calls him out, but luckily decides not to when he discovers it’s yet another learned habit. Panic attacks and “episodes”, as he calls them, make Poe want to eat. Finn thinks it’s just a craving thing, a comfort, until Poe explains that when he has memories of being held captive, he remembers inescapable hunger for days on end, and that eating helps remind him that he’s not there anymore, that he’s safe and he has control of his life again. After that, Finn starts carrying around sealed packets of snacks, chocolate and chips and cookies, so he knows he’ll always have something to give to Poe if he needs it.

Now that Finn knows what he’s looking at, he realises how much of Poe’s life is affected by his trauma. There’s nothing incredibly obvious most of the time, not unless you’re looking closely. Poe’s panic attacks are few and far between, something he says took a lot of work, but the other habits are regular parts of his day, adaptations to make his life easier when so much is painful or triggering.

It breaks his heart, but it also makes him more determined than ever that Poe is a truly wonderful person. To have been through so much, but to come out of it just as kind, just as sweet, just as good, is incredible. He’s strong, stronger than Finn can imagine, and he thinks that he might be falling in love with this man for real, watching him find ways to beat his trauma, not letting it stop him for a minute.

They’ve been spending more time together, since the argument. Not really dates, not anything special, except that Finn thinks every moment with Poe feels special and brilliant and new. They spend a lot of time walking BeeBee, or at Poe’s apartment. Poe grades papers and plans lectures while Finn reads novels, or studies for the language class Leia has given him access to. The foundation offers all mono-lingual employees the opportunity to learn another language if it will benefit their work, and Finn jumped at the chance to learn Spanish. He thinks it might bring him closer to Poe, and if nothing else it’s a hugely useful skill and he already finds it useful at work. Poe teases him by speaking whole conversations only in Spanish, with Finn struggling to keep up but understanding more and more every day.

They sit together on Poe’s couch, wrapped in blankets and usually BeeBee too. Finn interrupts Poe’s work occasionally to ask him for help with the grammar exercises he gets set, or to ask him how to pronounce something. Sometimes he asks Poe to pronounce things he knows exactly how to say, just because he wants to hear Poe’s voice, the way he rolls his r’s or makes his j’s guttural. Finn thinks Poe speaking Spanish is incredibly sexy, and he thinks Poe has realised it because he smirks as he speaks it, and has started calling Finn “cariño” or “precioso” in public just to watch him squirm.

They text every day, sometimes late into the night, and Finn spends at least two evenings a week at Poe’s apartment. He never stays over, aware that Poe isn’t ready for that yet, and incredibly glad because it means he doesn’t have to reveal how intimidated he is by the thought of sleeping with Poe. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, of course he does, and his body reminds him every time he hugs Poe close or presses a chaste kiss to his lips. But Finn has never been with anyone that way in his life. He’d spent all of high school in the closet, not wanting to make himself anymore of a target than he already was as a black foster kid. Then the army, where the consequences of telling might have been catastrophic. So he’d kept quiet, let his squad mates assume Rey was his girlfriend and not just a friend he wrote letters to, made jokes about girls in magazines along with everyone else. When he got back, started college, he was in a bad head space for most of his undergrad, too caught up in memories of the desert, of Slip bleeding out in his arms, of cruel superiors making jokes at his expense. He’d kept himself to himself, probably would have told if he’d been asked, but he never really made any friends. Almost as soon as his undergrad was finished, he’d upped sticks and moved back across the country to be closer to Rey. After that… he made friends, sure, but they were more classmates than pour-your-heart-out friends, and he had so much residual baggage that he’d never found the right way to actually come out. Rey has known since they were kids, she was the first (and to this day the only) person he’d really told. Leia and Luke and everyone had just worked it out, or Rey had told them, but he trusts them. Seeing Luke and Wedge happily married, successful and unburdened by the internalised hatred he sometimes feels, had done wonders for his self-confidence. Now he guesses he’s out, even if he’s never announced it.

He’s had fumbled kisses in bars, sure, or at drunken parties. But he’s never had anything like what he’s developing with Poe. He’s never wanted someone so much, or been so worried about messing it up. He’s happy to take his time, he’ll be ready when Poe is, but for now he’s content with snuggles on the sofa and kisses when he can get them.

“You learn really quickly y’know” Poe’s voice interrupts him as he’s checking his Spanish work over, mouthing along as he searches for mistakes.

“Hmm?”

“You learn really quickly” It’s accompanied with a kiss to his t-shirt clad shoulder this time, and that’s enough to really break his concentration.

“I don’t know, I just do what they tell me”

“No, seriously. Last week you were doing the present tense and asking me how to say things like ‘please’, and this week you’re reading whole paragraphs and asking me how to say things like ‘furthermore’, that’s huge progress” Poe is smiling at him, looks almost proud, and Finn grins back, amazed that he could do anything to make Poe proud.

“Thanks. I just like to learn, it’s a good skill.”

“It’s a very good skill. I love that you’re learning my language, mi amor, makes me really happy.” He’s nuzzling into Finn’s neck and it’s ticklish but so lovely and he’s just in a bubble of complete happiness, so it takes him a minute to process what Poe says next. “My dad is gonna love you, he’ll be so happy you speak his language”

The nuzzling stops, and Poe is wincing, trying not to look Finn in the eyes. He’s clearly regretting having said that, and sure it’s a bit early to talk about meeting the parents, but Finn is just happy it’s something Poe thinks about.

“Gonna introduce me to your dad huh?”

“I didn’t mean… it was just talk…”

“Oh so I’m not good enough to bring home?” Finn’s smiling so Poe knows he’s teasing, poking at Poe’s arm gently as he starts to blush.

“Cariño you are more than good enough, so good he’s going to think I’ve tricked you. Just didn’t want to put pressure on you”

“Nah, no pressure. I mean, I’m not saying I want to head over there next week or anything, but it’s nice that you have those thoughts.”

“Oh. Well. I do. Have those thoughts. I have lots of thoughts about you” Poe wiggles his eyebrows and Finn rolls his eyes in response, turning back to his work. There’s silence for a few minutes, but then he speaks up.

“It just makes me sad that there’s no one for me to introduce you to.”

Poe looks back up at him, and his face is already doing that understanding thing where his eyes get all soft and his mouth turns down into a little frown.

“Oh honey, I understand. I wish you had that too, a family, people to go home to, but only because I want you to have that. It doesn’t make you any less wonderful, you know that right?”

“I guess. It’s just hard. They gave me up rather than raise me, and it always feels like there must have been something wrong with me…”

“No. Finn, no, that’s not it at all. It’s a reflection on them, not on you. You’re perfect.” Poe tugs him into an embrace, cuddled into his chest. Finn takes a deep breath of Poe’s aftershave and the lingering smell of those god-awful lime chilli Cheetos he likes to eat with chopsticks (Finn took a picture the first time he caught him, and it’s now his background so he can smile every time he looks at his phone). It’s comforting, and he tries to focus on what Poe is saying, not on thoughts of his past. He’s exhausted, long days at Resistance draining him, and it’s so nice to be tucked up in Poe. He spends long minutes just breathing and drifting into a doze leant against Poe, who starts stroking his hair. It’s utterly peaceful, and Finn thinks how lucky he is to get this.

\---

Poe’s Monday is taking forever. It feels like his lecture this morning lasted three times as long as usual, and the meeting with the faculty rep that was supposed to take half an hour ended up taking two hours. He’s got once last lecture to do and then he’s free, and he really can’t wait. Finn is going to come over to the university and then together they’re going to go for Nigerian food. Finn has been going on for weeks about how he needs to try it, and Poe’s excited because he knows how much it means to him.

He bustles into the lecture theatre, desperate to get this over and done with. His lecture finishes perfectly on time, and of course he’d gotten caught up in what he was teaching and the questions from his students, so it hadn’t been so bad in the end. A couple stay behind to ask him more questions, and he knows Finn is probably nearly at his office by now but he can’t just leave them, these kids have got an assignment coming up, and besides, they’re interested and Poe loves them for it. He considers his responses carefully, and it’s ten minutes before he’s packing the last of his things up. He feels a presence behind him, and starts to smile.

“How did you find me, I thought we said we’d meet in-“

“I just followed the streams of lovestruck students” That’s not Finn’s voice. He turns around quickly, startled, and sure enough, that man is not Finn.

“Muran? What are you doing here?”

“In town seeing friends, figured I’d stop by and see how you were doing. Got time to catch up with an old flame?” Muran’s smile is flirty and he’s edging closer and closer. Poe feels trapped between Muran and the desk, and honestly he wants nothing more than to escape. He can smell Muran’s cologne by now, overbearing, and it brings back bad memories.

“Ha, no, I actually have plans tonight”

“Oh come on, we used to have such fun together, don’t you want that again?” This whole exchange is making him feel dirty and uncomfortable, and Muran will not get the hell out of his personal space. He’s too close for comfort, and Poe can feel the claustrophobia setting in. He knows that Muran knows better, must do, but he remembers that the other man had always been terrible at keeping to the boundaries Poe had set. When Muran had tried to rekindle their relationship, after Poe had gotten back from… that place, he’d never been able to understand why Poe didn’t want to be touched that way, or why he didn’t want to do certain things. It had been utterly miserable, constantly feeling on edge, and he’d been relieved when Muran had finally gotten sick of him and left, calling him “difficult” and “high maintenance”.

“Poe, you know it’ll be great. We’ll get some drinks, have some fun, maybe go back to”

“Excuse me.” Finn’s voice is short, clipped, and Poe’s eyes shoot up to meet his. Finn is stood in the doorway, looking as flawless as ever, newly trimmed hair and a tight Henley that only emphasises his biceps. Poe is conflicted: on the one hand, he desperately wants to melt at the sight of Finn, but on the other he’s terrified that Finn will misread this, will think that he wants Muran to-

“Office hours are over kid, Professor Dameron and I are just catching up”

“Actually, I think you’re making _Professor Dameron_ feel really uncomfortable, and that you should step out of his personal space, man.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Poe, are you alright cariño?” Poe definitely melts a little at that, Finn never calls him petnames, and hearing him use one now, in Spanish too, is exactly what he needed.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Muran you need to back off.”

Muran looks confused, as if no one has ever told him no before. Poe knows for a fact that he himself has told Muran the very same multiple times, but it clearly isn’t a regular occurrence.

“Cariño? Poe are you two...?” He’s looking from Finn to Poe, and he looks disgruntled.

“Yeah, this is Finn, my boyfriend” Poe absolutely spots Finn’s back straighten and his mouth turn into a smirk at that, and he thinks he’ll need to revisit that later, “Nice to see you Muran, but like I said, I have plans. So I’ll be going now”

He squeezes past, headed straight for Finn who welcomes him with open arms and presses a kiss to the side of his face. He takes Poe’s bag from his shoulder and gives him a smile as they join hands. Poe doesn’t miss the death glare Finn shoots Muran as they head out of the room, but he doesn’t really mind enough to say anything.

They’re halfway down the corridor before Finn says something.

“Who the hell was that jerkoff then?”

Poe can’t help but giggle, and Finn smiles indulgently at him.

“That was Muran, my ex. We dated before… when I was a pilot, and then afterwards, we tried to make things work again. He’s not very good with boundaries.”

“No, I noticed that. I could see from across the room how uncomfortable you were and I wanted to tell him what I thought of him, frankly.”

“You did enough. Thank you. You always notice when I need you.”

“I just pay attention Poe, like everyone should. So…. Your boyfriend huh?” Finn is smirking, and Poe blushes but nods.

“Yeah, if that’s alright with you?”

“More than.”

“By the way… I liked the petname.”

“You did? I’m glad precioso, I’ll have to use them more often.” Poe smiles all the way to the car, feeling almost giddy with the fact that he gets to call this gorgeous, kind man his.

\---

The whole thing with Poe’s ex makes Finn feel a bit weird. He’s not mad at Poe or anything ridiculous, he could clearly see exactly what was happening there and Poe had not been a willing participant. No, he feels… possessive. Protective. Jealous? He’d wanted to take Poe out of there, away from someone who obviously didn’t respect him - he’d wanted to kiss Poe in front of Muran, make it clear that he belonged to Finn now – and he’d also kind of hated that someone else knew Poe so intimately, more intimately than he did, probably. He tries to reassure himself but he can’t stop thinking about it. Poe must sense his brooding, because when they park up down the block from the restaurant, he turns the engine off and stares over at Finn for a minute.

“Go on, tell me.”

“It’s nothing”

“Finn, it isn’t nothing, and I wanna know what you’re thinking.”

“It’s stupid. I just… he knows you better than I do and I-“

“You’re wrong. Sorry to interrupt but that’s bullshit. You know me better than most people, honestly. Maybe not better than my dad or Leia, but really, that’s about it. You took the time to learn what I like and what I don’t like, to understand me, and it shows in the way you act. Muran never did that, even before, when I was still whole. Like you said, you paid attention and saw I was uncomfortable, he didn’t. He never thought of anything but himself, and you’re not like that.” He takes Finn’s hand across the parking brake, and Finn finds himself comforted by the thought that Poe realises how much effort he puts into their relationship.

“Okay. I just never want to make you look like that. You looked so unhappy. But I worry that you have history with him, or with other people, and I can’t compare to that.”

“Finn, you and me, we’re gonna have history too. We’re making history right now.” Finn huffs a laugh, presses their joined hands to his mouth so he can kiss the back of Poe’s hand.

“Okay then hotshot, lets go make history”

“Yes please, I’m starving and you’ve been talking this place up for weeks.”

Finn knew bringing Poe here was a stroke of genius, and he was right. Abeo greets Finn with a big hug, and then when Finn explains who Poe is, he folds Poe into an equally warm embrace.

Finn feels a sense of pride, bringing Poe here. It’s probably the closest he’ll ever get to bringing Poe home to meet family. He’d met Abeo when he was sixteen, and he’d been looking to connect to his roots. He’d come here one day after reading all the recommendations online, and he’d eaten his way through half the menu, thrilled by each new dish. When he finished, he had asked Abeo, sheepishly, if he’d be willing to teach him how to make Nigerian food. Abeo had looked confused, asked why his mother never taught him, and Finn had felt so alone when he explained that he had no one to teach him. Abeo had held him tight, called his wife over and explained, and she had fussed around Finn until he was laughing. He’d come back once a week for two years, and Abeo and Lolade had taught him how to make everything on the menu and more. He’d gossip with them, joke around, and it felt almost like home. They’d been upset when he went off to the army, and more upset when he started at a university on the other side of the country afterwards. Since he’s been back he doesn’t get to come here half as often as he’d like, but he comes when he can, catches up and tells them about his life, learns about their daughters and granddaughters. Abeo and Lolade are also the only people who ever really use his full name.

“Fiyinfoluwa, you’ve finally brought a nice young man for us to meet! Lolade, come meet Finn’s man!” Finn is so embarrassed, but it’s nothing compared to how happy he feels watching Poe introduce himself, and answer Abeo’s bombarding questions. He asks about Poe’s job, about where he’s from, about his people, about how they met. Poe handles it all with a smile, and he seems to understand that this is important, that it means something, that these people with their big smiles and easy manner mean something special to Finn.

Eventually they sit down, and Finn wonders what Poe will say. He smirks at Finn over the top of his menu (which Abeo has told them they won’t need, he’s deciding for them), and eventually says, “I thought you said there was no one to introduce me to?”

Finn laughs long and hard, overjoyed that Poe understands.

The food is, of course, wonderful. Finn enjoys it just as much as usual, but for once it’s overshadowed by watching Poe try each new dish. He tries the Suya tentatively at first, but then his eyes light up and he’s digging in happily. He devours the Efo Riro, humming contentedly as he clears his plate. He seems particularly fond of the pounded yam, which he reaches across the table to dip in Finn’s Egusi. Finn can’t find it in himself to care even a little, not when Poe is eating his food like a proper Nigerian boy, using his hands and the yam to pick other things up, loving every bite. He spends most of the meal smiling at Poe, forgetting to eat, which he almost regrets when Poe starts eating his food next.

They eventually leave full and sated, carrying containers full of Akara and Jollof and whatever else Lolade has packed up for them, giving them both a kiss on the cheek and leaning in to whisper to Finn “I like that boy Fiyin, I like his appetite too”.

Poe smiles the whole way back to Finn’s apartment, and Finn is even more reluctant than usual to leave him. The extra long kiss and the text he receives when he gets into bed just about make up for it though.

**Poe: I really enjoyed tonight. Miss you already.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for explanations of after-effects of torture. There are no graphic descriptions of Poe's ordeal, apart from to say how long he was there and how hopeless he felt. However, I do spend time discussing the effects, such as his relationship to food, his claustrophobia etc. It's never graphic, but please take care of yourselves.


	9. Rey is a bad (good) influence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major TW on this one! See end notes!
> 
> Okay everyone, buckle up: this is my first cliffhanger! I wrote two entirely different versions of this chapter, and decided to go with this one because I like seeing my babies suffer... you've been warned!
> 
> Also I know a couple of you have noticed - Finn's Yoruba heritage is based on John Boyega, and soon enough we'll get to Poe being Guatemalan in honour of Oscar Isaac. I just love researching the food!
> 
> Comments and kudos are my inspiration, you know the drill! Also, I have tumblr if you want to come pester me on there - just-another-f4ngirl - I would absolutely love to hear your headcanons, thoughts, reactions, any of it. I want to talk about these characters constantly so join me if you feel the same!

It’s Thursday afternoon when Finn becomes aware that he may have neglected his other relationships because he’s been spending so much time with Poe, and so much time at his new job. He ‘becomes aware’ because he is made aware. Suddenly, rather forcefully, by Rey. She rings him as he’s on his lunch break, and he was only reading an article about whether or not weighted blankets really work to solve insomnia and anxiety (they do, it seems), so he picks up.

“Hey, how are you doing?”

“How am I doing?! How am I DOING? Finn you are the worst. The absolute worst. I can’t believe you!”

“Rey, I’m sure you’re right, but I need more context”

“It has been nearly three weeks since I’ve seen you, idiot! THREE WEEKS. You promised me I’d see you more often once you moved back here, and now you’ve just wrapped yourself up in your new boyfriend and neglected me, ME, your very best, oldest friend.”

“Three weeks, really?”

“Yes Finn. Three weeks. I’m going crazy. I need to speak to someone who doesn’t start answer every question with “The force works in mysterious ways” or who doesn’t listen to Fall Out Boy like it’s still 2006!”

“Good to see you finally admit that your boyfriend is an emo, bless his cold dead heart. Also since when was Ben religious?”

“He’s not, I was talking about Luke. I’ve been spending extra hours at uni since I don’t seem to have a best friend anymore”

“Wow, okay, maybe I really have neglected you if that’s what you’re resorting to”

“You have! I miss you. What are you doing tonight?”

“Well… I was going to go to Poe’s and-“

“No, tough, he’s had enough of you lately, we’re hanging out.”

“Okay okay, sure.”

“And don’t try to bring him. I know you’re thinking about it”

“I wasn’t, not at all” Finn was, of course he was.

“Good. Just you, me, and a lot of wine.”

“Oh god, I’m going to regret this aren’t I?”

“Are you really having fun if you don’t regret it in the morning?”

“I want to say yes, but I feel like you’ll call me boring”

“Yes I will. Go back to work, I’ll pick you up afterwards”

“Bye Rey”

“Bye Peanut!”

Finn can’t help but laugh: in the space of ten minutes, Rey has completely altered his plans for the evening and run roughshod over his intentions. Oh well, she’s his best friend and she’s earned the right over the years, he can allow her this. He shoots off a quick text to Poe, letting him know he’s being kidnapped for the evening.

**Poe: I guess that’s only fair… I have been keeping you all to myself lately…**

**Finn: I know, it’s been great**

**Poe: I agree, but Rey does need time with you too I suppose**

**Finn: Apparently so. I’ll come over tomorrow instead?**

**Poe: Can’t wait. I’ll try not to watch another episode without you…**

**Finn: Poe Dameron if you watch How To Get Away With Murder without me there will be consequences.**

**Poe: Consequences?**

**Finn: I won’t cook for you for the rest of the month. And I was going to make paella this weekend.**

**Poe: I won’t even open Netflix, I promise**

**Finn: that’s what I thought**

Finn’s smiling as he heads back to his desk, because Poe always makes him feel happy. It’s incredible, he’d thought it would wear off after a while… he should be used to Poe’s jokes and smiles, to the forehead kisses and the way he draws patterns on Finn’s back when he’s distracted. But he’s not. Every time he thinks about Poe, sees him, holds him, kisses him, he gets butterflies, reminded once again that this amazing man is all his. He hopes this feeling never fades.

“Get in loser, we’re going drinking!” Rey’s voice screeches over the top of the music she’s blasting out, and Finn feels his face burn with embarrassment because half his co-workers are walking out of the building along with him. They raise eyebrows or stifle giggles, but no one says anything, thank goodness. As he’s dumping his bag in the boot of the car, he hears Rey’s voice again.

“Hi Leia! How are you? Did you get your lasagne dish back? I gave it to Luke for you!” Finn wants to laugh because honestly, only Rey could be that casual with the General.

“Yes I did thank you honey. Are you two doing something exciting this evening?”

“Drinking!” Finn wishes Rey wouldn’t say that to his boss, even if Leia is practically Rey’s mother in law at this point.

“Oh of course. Have fun! And Finn, you can come in at 11 tomorrow, I’m sure you’ll need the extra sleep”

“Thanks General, I appreciate it” Leia is smiling at Finn as he gets into the passenger seat, clearly used to Rey’s antics.

“Yeah, thanks Leia! You know you can come drink with us if you want?”

“Ha! Thank you Rey, but I’m not sure I could keep up with the both of you” Finn knows that’s rubbish, he’s heard the stories of late night parties kept afloat by Leia’s dancing and Han’s poker games, and apparently so has Rey.

“We know that’s not true, I’ve heard Uncle Lando talk about the good old days!”

“Oh that man is a scoundrel and a liar, don’t listen to anything he tells you!”

“Sure General, whatever you say” and with that, Rey cranks the music back up and pulls out into the street, her tiny death trap of a car bouncing worryingly as she manoeuvres the twists and turns between the Resistance offices and her apartment.

Once they get there, Rey drags Finn into the house while she persuades Ben to drive them to a bar, because apparently getting Uber is immoral and she doesn’t want to leave her car there. The look Ben gives Finn at that suggests he thinks she’s being ridiculous, and Finn’s inclined to agree, there’s no way anyone would steal that rust bucket. But Rey is determined, and she downs a whole glass of wine so that she can’t be forced to drive anywhere, and passes one to Finn while she continues to pester Ben. By the time it’s half empty, Ben has given in and gone to get his shoes on. Before long they’re pulling up at what might generously be described as a dive bar, and Rey is giving Ben a far too thorough goodbye. Finn looks away, because he does not need to see that much of anyone else’s tongue, and waits for them to finish. When they do, Rey gives him a bright smile, loops her arm through Finn’s and responds to Ben’s shouted “Please be careful!” with an affectionate middle finger. Later, Finn will look back at this moment and think he probably should have realised he’d regret Thursday-night-drinking, but right then he just laughs and holds the door for Rey.

Three and a half hours and far too much booze later, Finn and Rey are giggling at each other from across the booth. They’re definitely not sober, in fact they’re probably long past tipsy by now. Finn is laughing at Rey’s latest story about Luke, who is apparently incredibly good at hazing the new departmental assistants. Finn’s fairly sure Rey was equally culpable, given all the pranks she’s pulled on him over the years, but he lets her feign innocence. And in her defence, Luke is probably just as bad if not worse. He’s a tenured professor, which means he doesn’t even have to hide his schemes and can get away with things that Rey could never dream of, as a doctoral student. It’s no wonder they get on so well.

After a while, the conversation turns serious.

“I was just really worried that you were going to be disapproving in me… no wait, disappointed in me” Finn is holding Rey’s hand as he tells her, and it seems incredibly important in that moment that she listens to him

“I could never be disappointed in you. I’m proud of you every single day.”

“Yeah but… I was supposed to be smart like you”

“Finn you are smart. Just because you didn’t want to finish your course doesn’t mean you’re not the smartiest smart person to ever smart” Yeah okay, they’ve probably had enough by this point but there’s no one to point that out and neither of them care.

“I guess. Jus’ wanna be good enough to be your friend”

“You don’t have to be good enough for that. You’re always my friend. No matter what” They pinky promise across the table, like when they were kids, and soon Finn’s back to giggling.

Rey gets up to go to the toilet, tottering across the room and Finn watches to be sure no one gives her any unsavoury looks. He’s fought plenty of men who've looked at Rey wrong over the years, and she’s fought even more. He’s satisfied no one is leering though, so he gets out his phone to kill the time. There’s a text from Poe and Finn is delighted.

**Poe: Hope you’re having fun with Rey cari** **ño, BeeBee and I are missing you**

**Finn: I missss you too Poe**

**But Im having fun**

**We’re quite drunkl**

Poe doesn’t reply immediately and Finn gets distracted on Instagram for a minute, before his phone indicates he has a message.

**Poe: I can tell**

**Finn: Can u? How?**

**Poe: Finn you have never been anything less than perfectly eloquent over text until now. You just used “U” instead of you.**

**Finn: oh**

**Yeah**

**I guess thatd give it away**

**Oops**

**Poe: it’s alright love, you’re allowed to be tipsy**

**Finn: wish yu were here tho**

**Poe: No, you’re having fun with Rey, you don’t need an old man like me around**

**Finn: I like you old man**

**Your my old man**

**Youer****

**You’re** damn it**

**Poe: I like you too mi amor, you know that.**

**Finn: mmm I’m gonna ring you later**

**Poe: okay? Anything you want**

Finn is interrupted by Rey’s return, but he feels like there was something important he wanted to say to Poe. He shakes his head to clear it, and Rey laughs at him. He forgets his confusion and decides now is the perfect time for cocktails.

It’s another two hours before they begin to think that maybe they’ve had enough. Finn is nearly doubled over with laughter because Rey has just spent the last two minutes getting angry that her phone wasn’t working properly, only to realise she was holding it upside down. When she finally gets it the right way up she just about manages to dial without help, and they lean on one another in the booth while she waits.

“Hey baby, it’s me” Finn can’t hear Ben’s response, but Rey’s end of the conversation is enough to tell him what’s going on.

“Noooooo, I’m only a leetle bit drunk. Yeah, Finn is here, aren’t you peanut”

“HI KYLO” he calls towards the phone, and can almost feel the resentment from here.

“Ben says you’re an idiot. That’s not very nice Ben. Be nice to Finn, he’s only small and he has no money, you can imagine the kind of stress he’s under” She high fives Finn and they’re nearly falling over as they laugh at her terrible John Mulaney impression.

“Yeah I think we wanna come home now please. No they did not kick us out. We’re not that bad. Okay Finn’s not that bad.” A pause, and then “Yeah, we’ll be outside. Can we have sex when I get in?” By this point Finn is leaning his head on Rey’s so he can just make out the long sigh from the other end of the phone, followed by –

“You know we don’t do that when you’re drunk, darling”

“But Bennyyyyyy” Urgh, Finn could have gone a lifetime without hearing this.

“No Rey. But if you sober up I’ll consider it”

“Love you! See you soon, I’m gonna go drink some water!”

Rey’s up out of the booth before Finn can process, and he ends up slumped on the vinyl seat because his whole weight was on her. She’s at the bar with a glass of water, which she gulps down quickly, and by the time he’s joined her she’s tugging his arm and taking them out into the cool night air. They sit on the curb as Rey tries to sober up, which apparently involves taking big deep breaths of fresh air and counting loudly. Finn’s whole world is spinning so he closes his eyes and tries to focus on not lying down in the street, because his drunken brain is still managing to tell him that wouldn’t be a good idea.

“Hey peanut”

“46, 47, 48, yeah? 49 50”

“Stop counting, I wanna ask you something”

“54, 55, 56 go on”

“Please stop counting”

“60! Okay, what?”

“What if I’m bad at sex?” Rey starts laughing before she catches sight of the apparent anguish on Finn’s face, which forces her to try to be serious for a minute.

“You won’t be”

“But what if I am? I have no idea what to do. And Poe’s probably super experienced because he’s gorgeous and everyone who sees him wants to-“

“Yeah, he is kind of gorgeous”

“Not helping. You’ve got your own man, stop staring at mine.”

“I don’t stare. I just… notice”

“That’s not the point. The point is… what was the point?”

“That you think you’re going to be bad at sex”

“Exactly! And it’s even worse for me. Straight sex is easy” Rey makes an indignant noise and Finn flaps a hand at her dismissively “It is! It’s like ikea furniture. You put the right bit in the right hole and you jiggle a bit and you’re done.”

“I can’t believe you just compared sex to assembling furniture”

“It is though! But gay sex is like… it’s like you have two screws and the only hole is square not round and what if I end up ruining the furniture?”

“I’m so lost right now.”

“What if I hurt him! Or he hurts me! Or if I’m so bad he never wants to look at me again.”

“Finn. Calm down. First of all, like you say, Poe is experienced, he knows what he’s doing. And so do you, I caught you with the _instruction manuals_ enough when we were teenagers to know that!” She’s cackling and Finn hates her but he’s laughing too, because she does have a point, and he really was terrible at locking the door when he was sixteen.

“Okay. But what if I don’t compare to his exes”

“You will. You’re already better than them. And Poe is crazy about you.”

“Is he? How would you know?”

“He tells Ben things sometimes.”

“He does? I thought they sort of hated each other”

“Nah, they only pretend to hate each other. Poe used to babysit Ben, even though Ben was old enough to be on his own, because Leia thought it was good for Ben to have friends. And then when Ben went through his Kylo phase and got all weird, and no one could figure out what had happened, Poe was the one who worked it out. He and his friend Mando nearly got arrested for beating that fucker Snoke up when they figured out what he’d done to Ben, and Ben couldn’t really admit how much he needed help because he’s so crap at expressing feelings, and he figured that because he's a guy that shouldn't have happened to him, so he and Poe always pretend like they don’t get on, but really Poe was the one who pulled him out. Apparently he took Ben to get tested at the clinic and everything and he never told Leia even though she tried to make him. He stayed with Ben and was the one who made sure he really wasn't using, and then eventually he shipped out but they still talk. They just won't admit it.” There’s silence for a minute, as Finn processes this, because this is more information than he’s ever heard about this in his life. He’d just thought Ben had gotten all weird and emo, had thought there were maybe drugs involved but…not that. He suddenly realises that there's probably a lot more to Ben Solo than he realises.

“Shit, I wasn’t meant to tell people any of that. Ben never tells anyone. He's going to kill me.” Rey is giving him a worried look, and he realises that she’s just drunk-blabbed most of Ben’s darkest secrets to him.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell.”

“Thanks Finn. What were we talking about?”

“Not sure”

They drift in and out of conversation, and eventually Rey retrieves some gum from in her bag. Finn is always amazed at what she manages to fit in there, and he wouldn’t be surprised if she’s actually fully prepared for any eventuality. She hands him a strip of gum and then eats the last piece herself, chewing obnoxiously in his ear to annoy him. She gets up to put the wrapper in the bin behind them, and Finn stays on the curb, staring into the distance and thinking about how good Poe is, how fundamentally, unshakeably, unmistakeably good. He only surfaces when he hears a shout behind him.

He turns round as quick as he’s able, even though it makes his whole world spin double speed, and immediately stumbles to his feet when he sees what’s going on. There are three men surrounding Rey, and even though he knows she can normally handle herself, she’s drunk and she’s tiny and they’re huge compared to her. To anyone else, she’d look angry, but Finn can see that she’s scared, and he hates to see Rey scared.

Ever since they were eight years old they’ve been pulling each other out of scrapes, and he always goes a little feral when he sees that look on Rey’s face. She’s brave, so brave, she had to be growing up where they did, and going through foster homes with men like Plutt leering at her when she was just a child. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get scared, when she knows she might not be able to fight her way out, and when Finn sees her scared he always feels wild and protective, because as far as he’s concerned that’s his sister and anyone who scares her deserves to burn. So he gets up, unsteady on his feet but determined that nobody is going to mess with his Rey. He heads towards them, and as he gets closer he can hear the things the men are saying, and he feels his body fill with rage and adrenaline. These are not men, they’re monsters, and if they lay so much as a finger on Rey he is going to lose it.

They’re making crude comments, disgusting comments, the type that make Finn’s blood boil, and one of them reaches out for Rey, who is spitting mad and looks like she’s about to fight. She grabs the hand of the one who reaches for her, and starts bending his fingers backwards in a way that makes him howl, but his friends are still surrounding her and they grab at her, dragging her backwards and away from the first man. By this point, Finn is within range.

“Hey! Get the fuck away from her!”

“Fuck off man, this is none of your business” They barely spare Finn a glance, and the assumption that he’s just going to move on and not cause trouble makes him even angrier.

“I said, get the fuck away from her right now before I rip your tiny dicks off!” He squares up, and he knows he’s not the tallest but he is built, and has been packing on muscle for the last couple of months due to his gym visits. He sees them exchange glances with one another, and size him up. The two that are holding Rey don’t move, but the first man begins to move towards Finn. Finn makes eye contact with Rey quickly, and he knows she understands what he wants to say. He’s giving her a chance, and she’s going to use it to beat those two men to a pulp. He wishes she’d just run but he knows she won’t, she never has.

The man reaches Finn, and immediately swings at him. Finn is quicker, despite his poor balance and swirling head, because he's been training with Rey for years and he has military training instilled in him to boot. He shoves back, pushing the man off kilter and following with a punch to the gut. He can hear the other men shouting, thinks he hears one cry out “bitch”, so he knows Rey is doing alright. He sort of hopes she castrates these horrible shits. He sees his opponent straighten up, and he looks really angry now, so Finn dives in and grabs his arm, twisting it backwards viciously and then punching him in the nose as he goes, which seems to be enough to put him on the ground for now. He swings around quickly, to help Rey, and finds that one of the men is leaning against a wall clutching his stomach and wiping a bloody nose, but the other is holding Rey from behind, in a chokehold, and his sheer mass is preventing Rey from doing anything but struggling as she slowly turns red in the face. Finn grabs at him, drags him off, and Rey is coughing and stumbling out of range as she recovers. He manages to subdue his opponent, and he turns to check on Rey.

Suddenly everything seems to move in slow motion. Rey is still gasping for breath, one hand on her throat, but her other hand is reaching for Finn and she’s shouting. He can hear the blood rushing in his ears and his heart pumping as fast as it can, but the world is still spinning around him and he can’t react quick enough. Suddenly there are arms around him, and he’s so confused he doesn’t even feel scared, until there’s a pressure at his back. The arms release him and he turns, to understand what’s going on, but the pressure returns as he does, this time in his stomach. He meets the eyes of the man behind him, who spits in his face and steps back. The pressure recedes again, and the man turns and runs, catching up to his companions. They're gone, disappeared into the night before he can do so much as shout at their receding backs.

Finn can’t make any sense of it, but he can hear Rey’s voice, as if through water, and he spins back to her. She’s shouting, screaming, and he doesn’t know why. He reaches for her, just as she grabs him and wraps her arms around him, cradling his head as she lowers him to the ground. He doesn’t know why it’s so easy for Rey to manoeuvre him, can’t work out what is happening, only manages to say her name as she sobs above him. His legs don’t seem to be cooperating with his brain, and he can’t work out why. Rey’s hand reaches for his face, cradles his cheek, and it’s wet, which makes no sense. She clutches him tighter and he looks down.

Finally, he understands.

Rey’s hands, pressed to his stomach where he lies in her lap, are covered in blood. His shirt, once pale blue, is red with it, covered almost entirely. As he sees the blood, and starts to realise what’s happening, he surfaces, as if from a deep dive, and the sensations come flooding back. Suddenly all he can feel is agonising pain in his back and his stomach, all he can hear is Rey telling him to stay with her, to breathe, to hold on, all he can smell is metal and rust, the tang of his own blood.

“Fuck” he manages to say, but it hurts to get even that out.

“Finn you need to hold on, it’s okay, we’re gonna be okay, you’ll be okay” Rey is babbling, he knows, because she’s panicking. She’s trying to dial on her phone, presumably 911, but her fingers are slipping and staining the phone with his blood.

“Fuck” he says again, and passes out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right, couple of warnings: firstly, there is a very oblique reference to Ben's suffering at the hands of Snoke in this. In my mind, Snoke was a creepy old man who got Ben into drugs and also raped him. It's never going to be a major part of this fic because my beloved Ben is a side character, but the reference is there.
> 
> More importantly - Finn gets really badly attacked and hurt here. It's fairly graphic, and if that is something that will hurt you please don't read, look after yourselves dear readers! There's also drinking and mentions of sex, although neither is graphic or unpleasant for the characters.


	10. The Hard Part is Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, TW at the end, comments and kudos are shiny<3
> 
> I promised I wouldn't make you wait too long, and I didn't! I might take a few days off after this because I'm neglecting my real world responsibilities a little, but I promise I will return!  
> Poor Finn is not having a good time! And neither is Poe, lbr. But it's okay, because Ben and Leia are here to take care of everyone!

Poe has finally drifted off on his sofa when his phone starts buzzing. He reaches blindly around, trying to find it, not even bothering to open his eyes. He assumes it’ll be Finn, and he’s glad because this way he knows Finn got home safe, is tucked up in bed and his biggest problem is the colossal hangover he’s going to have when he gets up for work in a few hours.

He finally locates his phone where it’s laying on the floor, facedown, and he vaguely remembers hearing it fall when he was shifting around getting comfy, and not having the energy to pick it up. He fumbles for it, swipes, and puts it to his ear.

“Mi amor, I’m glad you’re finally home”

“Poe” That’s not Finn’s voice. Huh. He guesses Ben must have been the one to call him. He never calls this late anymore, that only used to happen when he was in a dark place and sleeping through the night wasn’t an option.

“You okay Ben? You don’t usually call this late…I guess it’s early actually but that’s-“

“Poe, I need you to listen” Ben sounds serious, and Poe finally emerges properly from his half-awake stupor. He stands up from the sofa, shrugging off the blankets and looking around for BeeBee, trying to ground himself a little.

“What’s going on? Are you alright?”

“I’m fine but… Poe… Finn was attacked.”

Poe’s legs give out from under him, depositing him back on the sofa abruptly. His ears are ringing and he feels like the whole world just tilted on its axis, throwing him around like a rowboat in a hurricane.

He tries to speak, to respond, but his voice comes out as a whisper, like he can’t quite manage to say the words.

“Is he…”

“He’s alive, he’s in surgery right now. He was stabbed. We’re at the hospital, me and Rey, and-“

“I’m on my way.” Poe hangs up, doesn’t have a single second to waste because every second that he’s not there is a second where Finn is suffering and alone, where Poe can’t see his chest rise and fall and know that he’s still breathing. He throws a jumper on over his t-shirt, and if he stops for a moment to remember that it’s Finn’s jumper, he knows he’ll burst into tears or have a panic attack, so he doesn’t, just keeps moving. He shoves shoes on, not bothering with socks because he doesn’t have _time._

BeeBee comes running up to him, skittering on the wood floor, and he must assume they’re going for a walk because he starts winding his way around Poe’s feet, nearly tripping him as he searches for his wallet and keys. He hasn’t fed BeeBee, hasn’t taken her out since he got home from work yesterday because he fell asleep before he could, and now he doesn’t have _time._

Poe grabs for his phone again, dials the second number on his speed dial, doesn’t even bother to worry about the time because he’s woken poor Snap up before for far less than this. He flits around the apartment as he waits for the other end to connect, too anxious to stand still even if he could find his wallet.

“mffello?” Snap sounds like he’s still mostly asleep and Poe cannot blame him at all, he vaguely hopes he is too, that this is all some awful dream.

“Snap. It’s me. Finn is… someone attacked Finn, and he’s in the hospital, and I need to get there but I can’t leave BeeBee, someone needs to look after her because she hasn’t been out and she hasn’t been walked and he’s and I’m and Snap I…”

“Dameron, calm down. I’m on my way. Do not leave until I get there. I’ll be ten minutes. Do not even think about driving yourself. I’ll take you, and I’ll pick BeeBee up and she can come back here with me. Keep breathing deep and slow, I’m on my way.” That’s good, Poe thinks distantly, instructions, he can handle that. He tries to take deep breaths, gets BeeBee’s lead on him and finally locates his wallet under his laptop when he’d put it after trying to buy a cookbook for- _no. Don’t think about him, if you think about him you’ll panic._

He’s got his phone and his keys and his wallet and BeeBee on her leash, and he’s out the door, taking the stairs two at a time and cursing his fourth-floor apartment. He finally makes it downstairs, doesn’t even stop to reply to Mrs Amidala’s hello in the lobby, and he’s out on the street, searching for Snap’s car. It doesn’t arrive for a good three minutes, and Poe is bouncing with impatience by the time it does.

Snap doesn’t get out the car, just pulls up long enough for Poe to get in, pull BeeBee in to sit at his feet, and shut the door, and then they’re off again. Snap looks grim, but he doesn’t ask questions that Poe can’t answer and for that Poe is grateful. They don’t say anything the whole ride to the hospital, but when Snap stops in the drop-off zone he reaches over and grasps Poe’s hand for just a second, just enough to squeeze it and silently let Poe know he’s there, and Poe squeezes back quickly, and gets out of the car. Snap is gone again a minute later and Poe is left standing alone in front of the entrance to this horrible building full of sick and dying people.

He steels himself and goes inside, terrified of what he’s going to find but knowing Finn needs him, he needs to see for himself that Finn’s alive, needs to understand what’s happening and somehow make it better.

He sees the sign for the A&E, heads that way feeling sick to his stomach as he walks through sterile corridors that all look the same, passes patients in wheelchairs or on crutches, doctors rushing along without ever meeting anyone’s eyes. Each step he takes feels like it uses all his energy, and he’s so scared, but he can’t stop, he doesn’t have _time._

When he makes it through the double doors to A&E the first thing he sees is the reception desk, and he’s about to head there when he hears someone calling his name. He turns, quickly, desperately, and there’s Ben and Rey. The sight doesn’t comfort him at all. Rey’s arm is in a sling, but it’s the only clean thing on her body. Her clothes are covered in grime and blood, dried and caked all over. Her bare arms have horrible smears of red, and her hair is a mess. She has bags under her eyes and a haunted look on her face, tear tracks making paths through the blood staining her cheeks. Her throat is bruised and Poe can make out what he thinks is a handprint. If he wasn’t so worried about Finn, he’d be furious that anyone had done that, let alone to Rey who is such an incredibly lovely person. He thinks for a second that he can’t imagine how Ben must feel, looking at the person he loves with a stranger’s hand print around her neck, and then his brain tells him that it probably feels a little like how he’s feeling right now. Panicked, furious, terrified, lost.

Ben has an arm round Rey’s shoulders because she’s swaying where she stands, but honestly he doesn’t look a whole lot better. The blood is less obvious because he’s in his standard uniform of black on black on black, but Poe can see it, dried and stiff across his shirt and trousers, caking in the hair on his bare arms. He doesn’t look quite as tired as Rey, and he doesn’t look bruised, but he has the same haunted look on his face, one Poe hasn’t seen him wear in years. That in itself is enough to make Poe’s heart stutter.

Poe walks towards them, bracing himself for what’s coming. By the time he’s reached them Ben has gently deposited Rey into one of the hard waiting room chairs, and he rests his hand on Poe’s shoulder, steers him away from Rey for a minute.

“He’s still in surgery. They said it could take hours and they won’t have any news until it’s done unless something goes wrong.”

“What the hell happened?”

“As far as I can tell from what Rey’s been able to get out, there were three of them. I was on my way to pick them up, they were waiting outside for me. Rey says the men attacked her, and Finn tried to stop them. Did stop them. That’s why she’s only got bruises and a torn shoulder. Finn thought they were done, started to walk away. One of them had a knife and I guess he didn’t like getting beat. By the time I got there it was all over, and he was lying there bleeding out. Rey was trying to call for help but she was… she’s not doing so well Poe. I figured an ambulance would take time he didn’t have so I put him in the back of the car and drove here. He was unconscious for most of it. He came to when I picked him up, he… he said your name and then he passed out again. By the time we got here it was… there was a lot of blood Poe.”

“What did the doctors say? Is he going to be alright?”

“They don’t know. They said they wouldn’t know until they operated. He’s been in there half an hour maybe.”

Ben pulls Poe into a hug, and he wants to vomit at the feeling of Finn’s blood rubbing off on his clothes, but right now he needs the comfort, and Ben’s huge frame seems to wrap him up safe. He feels better, marginally, when he pulls back. Ben pats his shoulder and they head back to Rey. She’s still sitting motionless in the chair, but when Ben draws close she seems to lean into him like a plant into the sun. He stands by her, his whole side pressed up against hers, and Poe feels utterly bereft. He wishes Finn were here to comfort him, he knows he would feel so much better with Finn pressed up against him. The thought makes him ache with pain and longing and he’s so scared. He has no real information, no way of helping, no control over the situation. All he can do is sit and wait, and that is torture.

It’s well over an hour before anyone comes to talk to them. Poe nearly jumps out of his seat as a woman in a lab coat approaches. She looks tired, which he guesses makes sense if she’s here at what must be three AM by now. She walks towards them purposefully, and Poe can’t decide if she looks like she’s delivering bad news or good.

“Are you Fiyinfoluwa’s family?” Poe can’t even speak, but thank god, Ben is there.

“We’re the closest thing he’s got.”

“What about his parents?”

“He hasn’t got any”

“So who are you? I can’t give information out freely unless-“

“Finn has no family. He has us. Rey is his emergency contact, you can check. I’m her partner. Poe is Finn’s partner. We’re his family.”

“Okay. I’m sorry, I have to check. Especially when it’s an attack, I can’t just give information to people if I don’t know for sure they’re his people.”

“We understand. What can you tell us?”

“I’m Doctor Kalonia, I’m the head of surgery. I’m overseeing Finn’s surgery because it’s a delicate case. Finn’s got two stab wounds, one in his back and one in his stomach. We’re less worried about the one in his stomach because it missed all his vital organs. I’m not saying it’s not a problem, but it isn’t going to be fatal.” Poe feels buoyed momentarily, until he realises that she’s talking about one of the wounds, not the other. He wants to scream, wants to rage and fight because this isn’t fair, this shouldn’t be happening and not to Finn, not to someone as pure and good and kind as Finn. Instead he stands there quietly and lets the woman speak, tries not to take his rage out on the people who are trying to help Finn.

“The one in his back is more of a worry. It’s right next to his spine, and we can’t easily tell if it’s done any damage to his nerves or his spinal cord. He’s bleeding internally, and we can’t do too much this close to his spine without doing more damage. So it’s going to be slow going as we work out what’s going on and what we can do. I’m overseeing the surgery but I specialise in cardio-thorassic work so I’m not actually operating. I have the best surgeons working on this, and I’m here to supervise.”

Poe feels utterly blank, he knows there are questions he should be asking, but he can’t think through the fog filling his brain. He’s never been more glad of Ben’s solid presence at his side, vows silently to never tease him again, because he’s doing all the work and somehow managing to hold both Rey and Poe together at the same time.

“If his spinal cord is damaged, what does that mean?”

“IF it’s damaged… it could mean complete paralysis from the neck down. For life. It could mean paralysis from the waist down. It could mean…much worse. It all depends on where and how it’s damaged. Right now, we don’t think it’s been damaged. That doesn’t mean it won’t be if we move too quickly or do the wrong thing.”

“And if it isn’t damaged… will he…?” Poe can’t even think the word, so he gets why Ben can’t say it out loud, and the whimper Rey lets out suggests she’s just as terrified. Ben squeezes her tighter against him, and Poe thinks again of Finn’s warm embrace and how it makes everything else disappear into the background.

“I can’t say for certain right now. You have to understand that until we manage to stop the bleeding, until we can be sure that his spinal cord is intact, I can’t promise you anything. That said, my gut feeling is that he’s going to pull through. What state he’ll be in I can’t say. He’s young and in excellent shape, which will help. He has the best possible shot to get through this, and you got him here quick, which helps too. I’ll be able to tell you more in a few hours.”

“Thank you. We’ll be here” Ben looks ready to sink into a seat himself, but Dr Kalonia has something else to say.

“The police are here. They want to take statements and do whatever else they do. I’ve held them off so far, but I can’t do that forever. You need to speak to them, the two of you who were there.”

Ben looks down at Rey, who’s still shaking, but she nods, face pressed into his side. He sighs deep, then says “Yeah, we’ll talk to them. Tell them.”

The doctor nods, and walks away. Before long, two police officers walk into the waiting room, and they take first Ben, then Rey aside. Poe holds Rey close while Ben’s gone, needing to feel useful. She leans into him, and after a minute she chokes out some words. She’s crying, again, and Poe can’t make it out. His throat feels like sandpaper as he asks her to repeat.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, this…it’s my fault” Poe holds her tight, and he’s not sure he has the strength for this, but he knows Finn would want him to look after Rey so he gathers his last reserves and does what he can.

“No. Rey, no. This is not your fault. Not at all.”

“He was trying to help me, and I-If I’d been stronger or or quicker or something I don’t know”

“No. Rey you can’t think like that. He wanted to protect you, he would do that no matter what. This isn’t your fault, this is nobody’s fault except the person who stabbed him. He would tell you that himself.”

She meets his eyes finally, and nods jerkily. At least he can do something right.

Soon Ben’s back, presumably he didn’t have a whole lot to tell the police because he wasn’t actually there for the attack. He kisses the top of Rey’s head before she heads over to talk to the police, and then collapses into the seat next to Poe, and rubs his eyes for a good minute.

He eventually looks up, looks at Poe and shakes his head.

“They… they didn’t say anything obvious, nothing too clear, but… they started off like they were blaming him. Like it was his fault, like he was doing something he shouldn’t be. I wanted to scream”

Poe doesn’t have the energy to deal with the implications of that, he really doesn’t. That’s a fight for another day, once he knows Finn is okay. Until then, nothing else matters. His brain spares a distant thought about finding who did this and ripping them limb from limb, a thought he'd have focused on in his younger days. Or about going over there and telling the police officers just how wrong they are, how they'd better do their job properly or he'd make their lives hell. But right now, he feels about a hundred years old, his whole body aches with the thought of Finn suffering, and he can ignore the urge to take revenge because he knows it's less important than Finn.

“Rey’s going to eat them alive if they try that shit with her” Ben’s almost smirking, clearly secure in the knowledge that even in her present state, there’s no way Rey is going to let anyone insinuate that about Finn. Poe can’t help but agree.

\---

Poe isn’t sure how long passes before Leia and Han arrive, he’s lost track of time, has been staring at the floor for what could have been a minute or an hour or a week for all he knows. He realises, somewhere in the tiny part of his brain able to think about things that aren’t Finn, that Ben must have called them. They sweep into the waiting room, Leia somehow looking just as immaculate as ever, even though Han is unshaven next to her. Leia gathers Rey up into a hug, stroking her hair and rocking her gently. Poe can hear Rey’s sobs, clearly set off again by the comfort of the woman who is almost a mother to her.

Even though absolutely nothing is okay right now, Poe breathes a sigh of relief at Leia’s presence, because he knows everything will be alright now. The General is here, and that means Poe can let her deal with all the difficult parts, can focus on Finn and Finn alone without feeling guilty. Ben must feel similarly because Poe watches his shoulders drop like he can finally let the tension go. He reaches around Rey, sandwiching her in the middle of him and his mother as he holds on to them both. Han places a gentle hand on Ben’s back. Poe feels more alone than ever, can’t stand watching them together when he has no one, when he might never have Finn again. He feels horrible for being so bitter, doesn’t want to have these thoughts about people who deserve to be so happy and safe. He pulls his phone out to call Snap, walks away to give them some privacy.

When he returns, trying to hide his red rimmed eyes, Han and Rey and Ben are gone. Leia is sitting in the chair Rey vacated, hands on her cane as she gazes into the distance. She looks up at him as he approaches, and gives him an understanding smile. She reaches into her bag, fishes out a pack of tissues and passes them to Poe. He takes them gratefully, cleans his face up and drops into the seat next to her.

“Han took Ben and Rey home. That girl needs a shower and some sleep”

“I’m surprised she agreed to go”

“Oh she fought me, but I told her she needed to be on top form for when he wakes up”

Poe is quiet, hates himself for the thoughts that are running through his head.

“He will wake up, Poe.” He looks up at her, utterly unsurprised that she knew what he was thinking. He hopes she’s right but she has no way of knowing.

“I just feel it. He’ll make it. I’d try to make you go home too but I know not to fight battles I’ll lose.” She takes Poe’s hand, rubbing her thumb in soothing patterns and he leans back in his chair, his mind drifting to Finn and the times they’ve spent together.

He must nod off, because he’s suddenly jerking awake as Leia pulls her hand back. Dr Kalonia is back, and it says something about Leia Organa-Solo that the doctor doesn’t even question her presence, after the grief she gave Poe and Ben and Rey earlier, just approaches them and waits for Poe to regain consciousness before she starts speaking.

“He’ll be out of surgery in the next twenty minutes or so. As far as we can tell, there’s only very minimal damage to his spinal cord. He’s incredibly lucky, if the blade had been a centimetre to the right he’d have lost the use of his legs permanently. As it is, he’s going to have some motor problems while he gets back on his feet, and his reactions will probably always be slightly slower than they were. He’ll need physical therapy and serious work to get back to normal, but I can confidently say he’s out of danger, and if he follows the programme laid out for him there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be walking again with a month. Full mobility will probably take three to four.”

Poe can feel tears streaming down his cheeks, can barely feel his hands as he grips onto Leia for support. He just manages to croak out “thank you” to the doctor, who nods back at him, all business.

“He’s going to be unconscious for at least another two hours, and when he comes to, he’s going to feel like he’s been hit by a truck. I suggest you go get some rest or food or something, and come back in about two hours. He’s going to need to see a friendly face.”

That’s good enough for Leia, who manages to drag Poe out of the waiting room, out of the hospital, and into her car, despite his best efforts at protest. She eventually tells him to shut up and respect her authority, which has the desired effect. He goes unwillingly, but he goes all the same. She rings Han on the way, his voice gentle through the car speaker as she updates him, tells him Rey shouldn’t be woken up for at least an hour and a half, then they can tell her and bring her to the hospital. She drives them back to Poe’s apartment, pushes him up the stairs while she takes the elevator, and by the time Poe reaches his door she’s stood waiting, tapping away at her phone. He unlocks the door and is promptly herded into a shower.

He accepts his fate, and tries not to spend too long crying under the stream of water like a melodramatic teenager, even though he wants to weep…he’s not sure if it’s relief, anger, gratitude, but he manages to just about keep it at bay for now. He can cry later, right now he needs to get back to Finn.

When he gets out there’s a set of fresh clothes on his bed, right down to the underwear and socks. He pulls it all on, tries not to look at the clothes he had been wearing, pyjama bottoms and Finn’s jumper with a slight red tinge from the blood on Ben and Rey’s clothes when he’d hugged them. Once he’s dressed he wanders out of his room to find Leia plating up steaming containers of takeaway food. She places one in front of him, piled high with pasta and salad, and he obediently chews his way through it, drinks the orange juice she hands him. He’s not sure he tastes a single bite, but Leia nods approvingly so he carries on. When he’s finished, she hands him a couple of pills and he takes them without question because Leia always knows best, and before long he’s passed out on the couch.

Leia shakes him awake, and he shrugs off the blanket she’s pulled over him. She gently shepherds him into a coat and pushes him out the door. She must lock it behind them, but he’s too spaced to notice, nervous and scared but so keen to get back to Finn.

They’re halfway to the hospital before it occurs to Poe that they should stop and get some of Finn’s things, so he can at least wear his own clothes. He says as much to Leia.

“Already taken care of. I had Han take Rey’s spare key and go pick up some things for when he wakes up. They’re going to meet us at the hospital, but I don’t think they’ve woken Rey up yet.”

Poe feels guilty because it sounds like he’ll get to see Finn before Rey and that isn’t fair, she’s his oldest friend and his closest family, she should be the one there when he wakes up. He’s selfish though, so he doesn’t say anything, just watches the world pass as they get closer and closer to the hospital.

\---

The first thing Finn is aware of is pain. He feels like someone has set a fire in his bones, and he wants to scream. He can’t even do that, because the next thing he becomes aware of is how weak he feels. He doesn’t think he could twitch a finger if he tried. Next comes the noises surrounding him - constant, steady beeping and in the distance voices and footsteps. He suddenly realises there’s something obstructing his throat and he wants to vomit, to claw it out but he can’t. His eyes fly open suddenly, and quickly slam shut when he’s blinded by cold white light. As he adjusts enough to keep his eyes open he becomes aware of hands fussing around him, and then there’s an added input of pain as whatever is in his throat is pulled up and out, and he feels like he really is going to vomit now. Someone presses something against his lips, it’s cold and wet and once he realises what it is he opens gratefully and lets the ice cube melt on his tongue. He feels a sting at his elbow and a steady flood of relief from the pain. They must be giving him the good drugs.

He’s just about conscious enough to work out that he must be in a hospital, he must be alive, and that means Rey must have got him here. She’s safe, which is all that matters.

Just then he realises there’s another sound in the room, muffled but audible. He flits his eyes towards it, trying to work out what it is. He nearly musters the energy to move when he sees the source.

There, in a chair beside his bed, looking like he’s aged ten years in a day, is Poe. He’s sobbing, his hand covering his mouth clearly trying to mask the noises, but there are tears flowing from his eyes and his shoulders are shaking with each cry. He’s looking at Finn like he can’t believe what he’s seeing, and Finn is worried. He wants to help, wants to stop Poe crying because Poe definitely shouldn’t be crying, that’s not right. He manages to swallow what’s left of the ice cube, and croak out Poe’s name. At this, Poe just cries harder, which definitely wasn’t the intended result, but he reaches out and grasps Finn’s hand in both of his, and Finn does his best to squeeze, but manages only a weak twitch. It seems to be enough for Poe, who bends forward and kisses Finn’s forehead, mumbles to him,

“You’re safe now cariño, you’re safe, I’m right here”

Finn lets that wash over him, knows he can trust Poe to take care of him, and stops fighting the exhaustion that’s threatening to overwhelm him. As he sinks into unconsciousness again, he feels Poe stroking his cheek, hears him murmuring again. He’d smile, if he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - medical talk, relatively graphic but not overly so. There's also a discussion of what happened to Finn, the attack, and then a brief allusion to police racism. Mentions of vomit but no one is really sick. Lots of references to blood. Last but not least Poe briefly considers murdering the people who hurt Finn, but who can really blame him.


	11. In Recovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know how it goes, TW at the end, comments and kudos are my motivation!
> 
> Sorry this took so long (by my standards!), I've been attempting to keep up with my real world responsibilities as well as my writing, and it's been a bit of a challenge. I think I'll be updating about twice a week from here on out, because I'd rather give y'all better, longer updates than speedier ones!  
> Hope you enjoy this, we're about to head into what I think of as "primetime yearning" in the next chapter, and you'll understand why when you read this!

The next time Finn surfaces, he feels more lucid, more alert. He’s still in pain, and to be honest he feels like someone’s taken a baseball bat to his whole body, but he’s aware of what’s going on around him, and despite the horrible dryness and stale taste in his mouth, he feels capable of speaking. He doesn’t, not straight away at least, because Poe is fast asleep in the chair by his bed.

He’s shuffled the chair so it’s right up next to the bed, and he’s got one arm outstretched like he’d been holding Finn’s hand, but the rest of him is curled into a tiny ball on the rather uncomfortable looking chair. He’s got his head resting on one hand, and even in sleep he’s frowning. The bags under his eyes are considerable, and his stubble (which grows fast enough anyway) is clearly at least a day old. Finn feels his heart swell at the sight, before he feels a wave of guilt because he’s the reason Poe looks so tired, why he’s sleeping cramped up in a chair rather than at home, why he’s frowning when he should be relaxed. It fades pretty quickly when Poe mumbles, shifts, and lifts his head.

His hair is flat on one side where he’d been resting his head on his hand, and he takes a minute to get his bearings. Finn is struck by how beautiful he manages to look despite the circumstances, and when Poe’s eyes meet his and fill with joy and happiness, the heart monitor gives away just how it makes Finn feel. Poe glances at it for a second, clearly worried, before he realises what’s going on and smiles at Finn again. He reaches out properly, takes Finn’s hand.

“Hi mi amor, I’m so glad to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

“Like death warmed up. Everything aches. I’m sorry I worried you”

“Finn don’t you dare apologise, you’re as bad as Rey”

“Is she alright?” Finn had just assumed she must be okay if he made it to the hospital, but now he’s worried, maybe she’s not with him, maybe she’s injured in a hospital bed too.

“No don’t worry, she’s okay. She’s bruised and I think she’s torn something in her shoulder, but she’s alright. She’ll be back any minute, I think. She went to get snacks, since she won’t leave.”

“She should be getting some sleep, or with Ben or-“

“Babe it’s alright, she’s okay I promise. She slept while you were out, and she’s been home to shower and eat and everything. Ben’s barely let her out of his sight, and Leia’s been mothering us all.”

“Oh. Leia’s been here?”

“She has, she forced me to go home and eat and change once we knew you were out of surgery, and she’s coming back this evening to see you.”

Finn feels sort of surprised that Leia herself has been along to check on him, that she’s coming back this evening despite how busy she always is. He feels warm and cared for, like there are actually people who are invested in his wellbeing. He’s had Rey for years, but never really more than that… it’s something he could get used to.

At that moment the door opens, and Rey bustles in. Her arm is in a sling and she’s definitely bruised, but when she sees Finn her whole face lights up and she reaches for him immediately. She gives him a huge, albeit one-armed, hug and presses their foreheads together.

“I thought I lost you peanut. I was so scared”

“I’m tougher than that and you know it. Are you alright?” She nods, quickly, but Finn can see in her eyes that although she might be physically alright, she’s struggling with what’s happened. He wishes he could just take those memories and the pain they cause away from her, but since he can’t he’ll just have to do his best to be there for her, like he has been all the other times they’ve been through shit.

“I’m okay. Freaked out, but I’ll be alright. I’m so glad you’re okay” She crawls into the tiny bed with him, presses herself up against his side gently. She starts pulling snacks out of her pockets and her sling, making him laugh slightly, something he regrets immediately because of the way it pulls at his stomach and his back. She’s got chocolate bars and tortilla chips, cookies and cartons of juice, apparently everything the hospital vending machines had to offer. She passes some to Poe, offers Finn a carton of apple juice which he finishes in a second flat before starting another. It’s nice, peaceful, and he’s so incredibly glad he has these two people.

He can feel Poe looking at him, and when he glances over, he can see that Poe is still worried about him, frown still in place. Finn smiles at him, blows him a kiss, and that’s enough for Poe who’s up out of his seat. He presses a gentle kiss to Finn’s forehead, then his cheek, then a slightly longer one to his mouth that has Rey wolf whistling around her cookie.

“I’m going to let you two spend some time together. I’ve got to go call work and explain why I’m not there, and Leia will want to know that you’re awake.” Finn doesn’t want him to go, but he appreciates that Poe is trying to give him a minute with Rey so he watches him leave without complaint. He and Rey are silent for a long few minutes, just cuddled up close, soaking up each other’s presence. It’s soothing for Finn, and he thinks it helps Rey too. He’s still exhausted, pain impinging on the edge of his consciousness, and he soon drifts into a doze. He’s in and out of consciousness all day, but whenever he wakes up there’s either Poe or Rey by his side, or both. He feels safe.

\---

Three days later, Finn is finally able to stay awake for hours at a time, and he’s growing bored. He has a steady stream of visitors every day, and Poe spends far too long at his side, not that he’s complaining. But he doesn’t have anything to do… Rey has brought him books, had guiltily explained that his phone was smashed beyond repair so he can’t have that, and she’s keeping him entertained with stories of Luke’s weirdness. But he’s still bored. Leia has visited twice, each time mothering him in a way that made him feel both frustrated and incredibly loved. Ben drops Rey off most days, stays a half hour if he can. Finn had thanked him, yesterday, for getting them both to the hospital safe. Ben had shrugged awkwardly, and the tips of his ears had gone red, but he’d met Finn’s eyes when he told him how glad he was to see Finn safe, and before he’d left he’d squeezed Finn’s shoulder tight. Han drops off containers of food, far better than the hospital catering, for which Finn is incredibly grateful. Chewie even came by once, although Finn had been so out of it he’d not been able to follow much of what Chewie had been saying in his thick accent. It had been oddly comforting, to have this huge man towering over him and mumbling unintelligibly, knowing he wished Finn well.

On the fourth day, Finn gets some less welcomed visitors. Two police officers sidle in, already frowning when they walk through the door. Finn had known it was coming eventually, but he really doesn’t feel like talking about what happened, and he feels almost ambushed, he’d had no warning, and he’s on his own. He puts his book down, nods hello, confirms his name, and waits for them to start asking questions.

They do, of course, and he answers as clearly as he can. They ask him to recount what happened, and he does, to the best of his memory, but bits of it are fuzzy. Whether that’s because of the alcohol he’d consumed or the injuries he’d sustained, he’s not sure. Eventually he finishes, trailing off at the point where he’d passed out, not quite knowing what more he could say. They’re still frowning at him, haven’t really written anything down in a few minutes.

“So who threw the first punch?” One of them asks, a thickset man with a neck that looks as wide as Finn’s thigh, and even though Finn’s sure he’d told them that, he answers anyway.

“He did. The tall one. I ducked it though.”

“Right. And why do you think he tried to punch you?”

“Because I told him to get away from Rey?” Finn is confused by the question, wonders what he’s missing here.

“So you’d been aggressive?” Ah. There it is.

“I guess, but they were surrounding her, you could see what they-“

“So you approached them, you were shouting and using violent language and then-“ For a minute, Finn can’t even hear the officer over the blood rushing in his ears and the white hot rage he feels. They’re really trying to suggest this is on him? That he did something wrong? He wants to yell at them, he’s so angry, but not all that surprised. He’s only worked at Resistance for six weeks, but he’s already seen just how people like him are treated. Just existing makes them “violent” in the eyes of the police, an automatic threat. Not a victim, a criminal by default. He can feel himself getting angry, knows that he shouldn’t, but he can’t help himself, wants to tell them just how wrong and stupid and racist they are. Luckily for him, he doesn’t get the chance.

The door opens, and a tiny woman breezes in like she belongs. Finn thinks she’s familiar but he’s not sure where from. She’s smartly dressed in a trouser suit, bag slung on her elbow, loafers tapping on the hospital floor. Her hair is short and choppy, and she’s got a chunky crescent pendant on that bounces as she walks. She settles in the chair next to Finn’s bed as if she does it regularly, pulls a file out of her bag along with a pair of glasses which she perches on the top of her head. She crosses her legs and surveys the other people in the room with a sense of amusement, but it’s cold somehow, as if she’s assessing her prey. Then she turns to Finn, and her expression warms considerably. He trusts her, though he has no idea why, as she stretches out a hand to him, and he takes it.

“Finn, glad we meet at last. Rose Tico. Ackbar sent me, apparently Leia thought you might need representation. Always astute, that woman.”

Oh. Now he knows who she is, even if he’d never put the face to the name before. He definitely trusts her now, would have done even if she hadn’t name dropped both Ackbar and the General, clearly in an effort to ensure he knows exactly why she’s here. He feels almost smug as he watches her gaze settle on the police officers. This, he knows, is going to be so satisfying.

“Officers Long and Whitman, I believe. You’ll forgive me if I check that you’ve cautioned my client, notified him of his rights?” Officer Long’s face and sizeable neck start to turn a remarkable shade of puce, and Finn has to fight a smirk. He splutters slightly, and Finn knows Long knows that he’s put his foot in it because neither officer had informed him of his rights, or cautioned him before launching into an interview.

“Well of course we-that is to say-he’s-“ Rose doesn’t let him finish, and Finn is reminded somewhat of an orca toying with a seal. Utterly calm, confident in its superiority, playing with its food before going in for the kill.

“As you know, it’s completely inadmissible otherwise. Not that it’s going to matter, because I’m sure you know as well as I do just how open and shut this case is.”

Whitman finally speaks up, perhaps to prevent Long saying something he might regret: “Open and shut? I don’t think so! There’s no evidence of what Mr Windo is saying, except the girl”

“It’s Windu, thank you. Besides the witness, you mean?”

“That’s what I said, the girl”

“Oh no, Officer Whitman, I was referring to the bartender.” At this, Finn looks to Rose in surprise, hadn’t realised anyone else had been there to see what happened.

“What?” Apparently, the police hadn’t realised either.

“The bartender. He’s happy to speak to you, but the statement he gave me indicated that he heard the three men discussing their…plans…whilst in the bar. They watched my client and Miss Johnson leave, “like predators” was how he worded it, I believe. They spoke about their intention to assault Miss Johnson. They hoped my client would have left by this point, but were comfortable… how did he put it? Ah, here we are” She’s glanced down at her file for a second, but she looks the officer in the eye as she speaks, “they were willing to ‘beat the little f****t’s ass’ if they felt it necessary. The bartender felt they were a threat, so he called the police. I’m sure you have a record of the call, after all, you’ll know this.”

The police officers are looking increasingly uncomfortable, like they’re realising just how badly they’ve underestimated Rose Tico. Finn doubts they’re the first, but he’s really enjoying watching it.

“When no one arrived and the three men followed my client and Miss Johnson out of the bar, the bartender says he heard shouts. He called the police again, but by the time he’d made it outside he saw a tall man, Ben Solo as we know now, pulling my client into his car.”

Apparently Long isn’t content to go quietly, determined not to be beaten, and he tries again, “That doesn’t mean anything. You have no proof, we have no idea who these men even are-“

Rose gives him a withering look that would make more sensible men shrivel, but Long seems too pig-headed to know when he’s defeated.

“Besides the CCTV from the bar, the records I know you have of the 911 calls, and of course the CCTV from the Hardware shop next door which shows all three assailants. There’s also the dockside footage which shows one man, clearly identifiable, throwing a knife into the river just ten minutes later. Besides that proof, you mean?”

It’s taking every scrap of Finn’s willpower and energy not to laugh and point in the officers’ faces, to remain calm and keep his face completely blank and placid. It’s worth it, just for the incredulous looks the two men shoot both him and Rose. Long shuffles on the spot, then shoves his notebook into his pocket roughly.

“Right. Well. We’ll be in touch” That’s all he says before he storms for the door, almost slamming it in Whitman’s face in his haste to get out. Whitman follows, noticeably annoyed but at a more sedate pace.

When they’re out of the room, Finn turns to _Rose Tico,_ the best lawyer Resistance has on the payroll, and laughs out loud.

“That was incredible! Oh my god! You’re amazing!” He guffaws, utterly uncaring of the pain in his back. She blushes, somehow so much softer than she was a second ago, and smiles proudly up at him. If he didn’t know this was a woman who’s argued before the Supreme Court, he’d never believe it. If he was straight, he thinks he’d probably kiss her right now. Hell, he still might.

“Just doing my job. Always feels good though” She says conspiratorially to him, and he wonders how he can make this woman his friend because he needs her in his life.

It turns out, it’s not that difficult. She stays for an hour, until Poe turns up, and then politely takes her leave, promising she’ll be back tomorrow for a thorough discussion.

Poe asks who that was, of course, and Finn thinks he maybe looks a little adoring when he answers, “That’s my lawyer, the smartest woman I’ve ever met, and hopefully my new best friend” because Poe is laughing affectionately at him.

\---

It’s another two weeks before Finn is finally discharged from the hospital. Poe comes to pick him up, and by the time he gets there Finn is dressed in real clothes for the first time in ages, no pyjamas in sight. He’s joking with the nurses as they get him sorted to go, and they’re all laughing and smiling at him. He’s clearly charmed every single one, and Poe isn’t surprised at all. He thinks that everyone who meets Finn is half in love with him within an hour, and he understands completely, exchanges lovestruck glances with one of them as they take away IVs and things Finn no longer needs.

Finn is itching to get out, understandably, and Poe can’t bear to deny him any longer. Dr Kalonia gives him very strict instructions about how to take care of Finn, and he actually writes them down on his phone – that’s how serious he is about Finn’s wellbeing. She seems appeased, nodding approvingly and correcting him occasionally as he repeats things back to her. Once he’s sure he knows everything he needs to, he gives in to Finn’s pleas and starts gathering Finn’s things. He’s amassed quite a selection of cards and flowers and even a couple of balloons, which he thinks were a joke gift from someone at Resistance. He’s just about finished collecting them all up when he sees Finn giving the wheelchair a dirty look.

“Poe, I can walk. I don’t need that.”

Dr Kalonia saves Poe the trouble of arguing, “Yes, Finn, you do. You’re not fit to walk the whole way out, it’s three floors.”

“Come on, I’ll be fine, I’ve been getting stronger, I can absolutely do it!”

“Finn, which one of us is a doctor?”

“Well… you…”

“And which one of us is specifically _your_ doctor?”

“You” Finn is pouting, and Poe can’t help but smirk at the look on his face, like a child who’s had their favourite toy confiscated. He wants to kiss the pout off, but he’s also content to let Dr Kalonia fight his battles for him.

“So when I say you need the wheelchair, you need to listen”

“I guess”

“That said, you are making remarkable progress, at least two weeks ahead of where I thought you’d be. So, if you want to leave the wheelchair at the entrance, I might just be too busy to notice….”

Finn is grinning up at her, and she smiles back, the first smile Poe thinks he’s seen her crack. Finn dutifully tucks himself into the wheelchair without complaint, looking as innocent as he can, and Poe props his bag onto his knee so that he can push the chair down the hall to the elevator.

Finn is humming and practically bouncing in the chair as they head for the lobby, thrilled to be heading for freedom at last. When they make it to the entrance, Poe leaves Finn sitting there while he fetches the car, and then they hand off the wheelchair to a waiting orderly. Poe takes Finn’s arm, and Finn accepts the help without saying a word, which almost surprises Poe. Slowly, they hobble out to the car. Finn is taking steps on his own, walking properly even if it’s shaky and unsteady, and Poe feels like crying with happiness. There was a period of a few hours, one horrible, long night, where he thought Finn might never walk again. Where he thought Finn might not survive to the morning. Seeing him now, gingerly limping towards Poe’s car, makes him want to shout with joy.

Once he’s got Finn all settled and his bag safely stowed, he drives them towards home as carefully and sensibly as he can. Finn judges his driving, mocks him for the over the top care he’s taking, but he explains he’s not taking any risks with Finn now that he’s on the mend. Finn gives him a tender look, and says no more about it.

He does, however, make a comment when he realises they’re not in fact heading for his studio apartment.

“Poe, where are we going?”

“Home, cariño.”

“Right, but this isn’t the way to my home”

“No, it’s the way to mine.”

“And why are we going there?”

“Because, no offence mi amor, but your apartment is just a little small for the two of us”

“The two of us?”

“I’m going to stay with you, to make sure you’re alright. Take care of you. And that’ll be easier if we’re at mine.”

“I can take care of myself Poe, I don’t need to be babied, I’m fine”

“I know, Finn you’re so capable and I know you can take care of yourself. I know. But you don’t need to anymore, you know?”

Finn is silent, and he looks like he wants to argue.

“I’m here now, and I want to help you, and I can, so please will you let me?”

Finn still doesn’t say anything, and Poe is worried he’s said something wrong. He doesn’t want to upset Finn, he just wants to take care of him, but he knows that for Finn that’s a big deal. Rey had warned him that Finn probably wouldn’t accept help readily. She says Finn prefers to do things on his own, to be reliant on himself rather than anyone else, someone who might leave. Apparently he didn’t fully believe Rey wouldn’t leave until they were seventeen, and even then he never really let her take care of him if he could help it. Poe is prepared to have this fight, but he’d really rather not. He’s surprised, then, but happy, when Finn replies.

“You really want to take care of me? I won’t be a burden?” Finn’s voice is small, quiet, and Poe’s heart breaks into a million pieces at the thought of a young Finn being told he’s a burden.

“You could never be a burden to me precioso. Never. I want to be there for you.”

Finn doesn’t say anything, but he wipes his eyes surreptitiously. Poe pretends not to notice, but he takes Finn’s hand across the gear stick.

When they get to Poe’s, Finn takes the elevator, while Poe takes the stairs as always. He races up to get there ahead of Finn, unlocks the door and drops Finn’s bag off inside. He realises he’s nervous, standing there waiting for the elevator doors to open, and he’s not really sure why. This is Finn, lovely, sweet, patient Finn, who already knows all his quirks and has seen his apartment and still likes him anyway. But this is different, somehow, surely? Finn will be staying here, for a little while at least, and Poe supposes it’s sort of like a test. They’ll be sharing a space consistently for days on end, and Finn’s going to need him more than usual, probably more than he’ll be willing to admit. Poe needs to prove to Finn, to himself, that he’s capable of looking after them both for a while. He needs to show Finn that he can be good enough, that this relationship could be a long-term thing. Maybe he’s overthinking, he tells himself.

Then the elevator doors open, and Finn is leaning on the side of the elevator. He’s smiling, but he looks a little worse for wear, like standing for so long was a challenge. Looking at him, Poe realises he might be overthinking, but that doesn’t make it any less true. He wants Finn to stick around, he’s really serious abut this relationship, and he’s going to show Finn. He just has to make sure he doesn’t fuck it up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings here are simple: there are some racist cops. They don't say anything super explicit, but it's obvious what they're up to. Luckily, Rose isn't here for that shit, so it doesn't get bad.  
> There’s one use of a homophobic slur, which I’ve censored but it’s obvious what it is, and minor discussion of threats  
> Apart from that I think it's all fine, minor discomfort from medical stuff, but nothing bad. If you spot something I should have mentioned, let me know so I can warn people!


	12. Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at the end, please be careful with this chapter folks
> 
> Thank you all for waiting so patiently for this update! This week is horrifically busy for me, so I probably won't update again until the weekend, if at all. Next week is much better though!  
> Okay, this chapter is soft, it's tender, it's freaking traumatic... you've been warned!

Finn is surprised that BeeBee isn’t running to greet them, almost worried until Poe explains that BeeBee is staying with Snap and Jess for a while. Poe looks sheepish, rubs the back of his neck when he explains that he hadn’t wanted BeeBee to get lonely when he was constantly at the hospital, and had figured that her jumping up might not be the best thing for Finn right now. Clearly, Poe has done everything he can to make Finn’s recovery as easy as possible, and Finn’s heart warms at the thought. It becomes even more obvious what lengths Poe has gone to when Finn steps inside and there’s his overnight bag sat by Poe’s hall table. He gives Poe a curious look, and he can see Poe’s cheeks tinging with red.

“I asked Rey to go and grab some of your things, I figured you’d be more comfortable in your own clothes…”

Finn smiles and thanks him, but secretly thinks that he would have no problem wearing Poe’s clothes instead. He doesn’t say that, but he’s fairly sure Poe can read it on his face anyway because he smiles as he heads for the kitchen.

Poe makes them sandwiches for lunch, thick slices of fresh bread and cold cuts that hurt Finn’s jaw to chew, but he loves every bite. They talk and laugh about stupid things, and it feels almost like before the attack, except that Finn winces every time he shifts in his seat, and Poe is hovering around him like a nervous hen.

When they’re done Finn goes to sit on the couch, not quite sure what to do with himself now he’s finally free of the hospital. Poe has his back, once again.

“So, I spoke to Leia, and she said you’re not allowed to do any work at all. But… she didn’t say anything about your Spanish… so I figured maybe you’d like a crash course in Latin American cinema?”

Finn laughs, “That sounds like a really nice plan. Can I do my real Spanish work too?”

“You think my cinema course isn’t going to have you fluent in a week?”

“I said no such thing! I just know I’m going to get bored when you’re out at work”

“I’m working from here. I’m not going in.”

“How are you supposed to teach students from your apartment Poe?”

“Well mi amor, Amilyn has agreed to cover me, for this week anyway, and I’m going to do her marking in return. So I’ve got hundreds of papers to grade, six telephone sessions with grad students and nowhere else to be. I suppose I can let you do some proper work too. But only if you give me a kiss?”

Finn kisses him, of course. Slow, and deep, and it gets just a little deeper as it goes on, well past when Finn meant to pull away. But he gets lost in Poe, every single time, in how soft his lips are and how he cradles Finn’s cheek in his hand, brushes his thumbs across Finn’s cheekbones. Poe pulls away slightly, presses his forehead against Finn’s, and then leans back in to kiss him again. Finn isn’t sure how long they sit there, mouths exploring one another, tender and gentle and just the most perfect kiss in the world. Eventually, Poe leans in a little too much, and Finn shifts slightly to accommodate him, twisting at the wound on his stomach. He tenses, and Poe pulls back instantly, ceases all contact between them, immediately panicking.

“I’m sorry, cariño, I’m so sorry, what did I do, was that me? Oh god I’m sorry”

“Poe it’s fine, calm down. Hey, hey, breathe. I just tweaked my scar a bit. I’m okay.” Finn is sort of startled that Poe had noticed, he’d barely reacted at all, had tried as always to keep his pain under wraps. But Poe, gorgeous selfless wonderful Poe, had noticed straight away. Finn tries not to let his feelings show on his face, only stares into Poe’s eyes for a beat too long.

“Okay. We’re gonna have to be real gentle I think.”

“I think you might be right”

“Let's put a film on, and you can get comfortable and I promise I won’t injure you further”

Finn huffs a laugh, agrees to Poe’s plan. He isn’t given a choice in what movie they watch, Poe just queues something up on the TV as he lets Finn squirm and wriggle until he finds a position that doesn’t pull at either of his injuries. When he’s finally comfy, Poe stretches a blanket over him, shuffles into place next to him, and settles down for the film.

It’s something Argentinian, Poe explains, and Finn just nods sleepily, already sure he won’t make the end of the film. He gets tired easily since the attack, and it’s already been a busy day compared to his last three weeks in the hospital. Eventually, of course, he does drift off, his head pillowed on Poe’s lap. If Poe minds he doesn’t say anything, just strokes Finn’s hair gently, tries to keep as still as he can.

When Finn wakes the movie is almost over and he has no idea what’s going on. He sits up carefully, the wound on his back particularly tight after lying in an odd position for so long. Poe helps him, hands so gentle and loving on Finn’s poor body that Finn can’t help but feel cared for and treasured. It’s not a feeling he’s been used to before Poe, but it’s one that makes his heart swell every time.

“Maybe you should get an early night?”

“Maybe, I guess.” Finn realises then, with sudden clarity, that Poe’s apartment has one bedroom. “Wait, where am I going to sleep?”

“You can take my bed. You know I don’t sleep in it much anyway, someone ought to get some use out of it.”

“Poe, I can’t do that, it’s not fair”

“Yes it is precioso, yes it is. You know I barely sleep, while you need all the sleep you can get. I want you to rest and heal, and sleep is part of that. You’re taking the bed.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, Finn, I’m sure.”

Finn doesn’t try to argue any more because he really is tired, and Poe does prefer the couch anyway… he guesses it’s not that big a deal. His heart is going a mile a minute at the idea of sleeping in Poe’s bed, but it’s not that big a deal. Sure.

Poe takes Finn’s bag to his room, and then stands there awkwardly like he doesn’t really know what to do with himself.

“Right… I’m going to… let you get changed! I’ll be out here if you need me…” He trails off, his cheeks are flaming and he backs out of the room clumsily.

Finn can’t help but crack a smile as Poe leaves, before he starts to undress. They haven’t really reached the stage where they’re comfortable changing around each other yet, and Poe has a thing about Finn seeing him unclothed. Poe has definitely seen Finn shirtless before the attack, but Poe is really sensitive about his scars. Before, Finn never really understood, they couldn’t be that bad, and even if they were, there was no way they would actually bother Finn. He’s not that shallow.

Despite all of this, when Finn catches sight of his bare back in the full-length mirror in Poe’s room, he suddenly understands why Poe is so afraid. Running along the length of his spine is a raised, red wound. He can still see the stitches, not quite dissolved yet, and the wound is long and swollen from where they’d had to dig around in his body. When he can’t stand to stare at it anymore, he turns and catches sight of the wound on his stomach. It’s not as big, but it’s still ugly. He’s ugly. He made it through nearly three years in the army, through years of shitty foster homes and fights with other kids, and he’d got no more than bruises and scrapes, no real permanent scars. And now, because of one stupid, misogynistic, homophobic asshole, Finn is left with scars that make him feel sick to look at. Logically, he knows he shouldn’t feel ashamed, it’s not his fault, but he can’t help it. Poe is going to look at this and be reminded of pain and fear and trauma. He’s never going to be able to feel comfortable around Finn while he’s shirtless. Finn can feel tears welling in his eyes, his hands are shaking and he feels like he’s breathing really shallowly.

There’s a knock at the door and Finn scrambles to wipe his eyes and grab for a t-shirt, pulling it over his head quickly and turning to Poe as he pokes his head in.

“Hey, you need to take your meds before bed”

“Oh, yeah I forgot”

“It’s okay, I got you a drink as well.” Poe hands over the pills and the glass, and Finn dutifully swallows his medication. He’s trying his hardest not to let Poe see that he’s mid-way through a freakout, and it seems to be working for now.

“Um… you also need to put the salve on your scars. Dr Kalonia told me you’d probably need help with your back…”

Poe is a little awkward as he says it, like he’s uncomfortable just saying it, and Finn wonders if he’s dreading seeing Finn’s scars. He’s probably worried that he’ll have to hide his revulsion from Finn.

“You don’t have to, I can get it, it’s fine” He’s panicking, and now he’s sure Poe can see it. He takes a step forward, hands out towards Finn as if he’s going to comfort him, but Finn steps back.

“Finn, mi amor, what’s wrong? What is it?”

“Poe, don’t, I just… you can’t…”

Finn’s breath is coming in gasps, he knows this is dramatic but his chest is hurting and he’s so aware of what’s underneath his shirt.

“Please, Finn, tell me what’s wrong?”

“My…my back…”

“Are you in pain?”

“No… I… the mirror…Poe, it’s hideous… you’re never going to want to…”

“What?”

“The scars. They’re so ugly. I can’t even look at them.”

Poe’s eyes are suddenly hard, and his hands are fisted by his sides rather than reaching for Finn.

“You think I’m going to be disgusted by your scars?”

“…yeah”

Poe takes a really deep breath, closes his eyes and mutters something to himself that Finn doesn’t catch. His knuckles are turning white because of how hard he’s clenching his fists, and he looks like he’s in physical pain. Then he lets out the air in his lungs, lets his shoulders slump, and shakes his hands out. He reaches for the hem of his shirt and before Finn has time to understand what’s going on, he’s lifting his shirt up and over his head. Suddenly, Poe is shirtless in front of him, and he’s too busy looking at Poe’s face to even take it in. But Poe isn’t done, he reaches down and takes off his socks one by one, until his feet are bare too. Finn is confused, for a second, until Poe starts to speak. His voice is monotone, like he’s reciting something, but his eyes are full of fear and pain and Finn forgets his own worries as he listens.

“I was in that place for just over three months. The things they did to me left me with emotional and psychological scars that I will never be able to escape. But they also left me with physical scars that won’t ever go away, and every single day I see them and I am reminded of what happened to me, what was done to me, and it hurts me so much.”

He turns so he’s facing away from Finn, and his shoulders are up by his ears, tense and nervous. But Finn is too busy staring at Poe’s back. His tan skin is marred by scars which stretch almost the full length of his back, from his shoulder to the base of his spine. He’s gorgeous, defined shoulder muscles that Finn wants to stroke, dimples above his ass that would make Finn’s mouth water. But the scars are there, and they’re bad.

“These are going to be with me forever. From whips, and barbed wire, and all the other horrible things I’ve worked so hard to move on from. But I can’t ever move on from these.” He uses his hand to gesture at the round marks that are littered across his back too, spotted in between the long ropey scars of lashing. “The burns were worse, somehow, because you could feel them just before they happened. The very worst was the brand.” Finn looks where Poe is pointing, hand curled behind him in a stretch that must hurt, to a long flat mark across his lower back, almost touching one of the perfect dimples Finn is already in love with. It’s a shade or two darker than the rest of Poe’s skin and now that he knows what it is, Finn wants to cry and beg someone, anyone, to take this away from Poe, so he won’t have to remember the pain.

“This was the doctors, afterwards.” Poe runs a finger along a cleaner scar, which Finn can see immediately is different to the others. “After being so dehydrated for so long, and because of the other injuries, my kidneys were shutting down. The other one managed to recover enough that they could leave it, but they removed this one because it was only causing me pain.” Finn almost reaches out to touch, but he knows if he does he’ll just start to cry or yell or something, so he stands stock still and lets Poe continue.

“Then there’s the rest.” Poe turns, and there is a similar collection of marks on his front, slightly hidden by his dark, wiry chest hair, but visible if you know what you’re seeing. Burns, cuts, jagged marks whose source Finn shudders to think about. More stitches, more lacerations, more pain. But Poe still isn’t finished. He sits on the bed, stretches his legs out before him so Finn can see his feet better, see the soles of them. He can’t work out what he’s looking at, until Poe begins to speak again.

“They would make me stand in a big metal tub, and then they would pour boiling water into it.” Finn hears Poe’s voice wavering, and he knows his own throat is thick with unshed tears. But still, Poe continues. “Eventually, they damaged my nerve endings. That’s what the doctors said. Between that and the continued damage in between… that’s why my feet always hurt, why I don’t let you touch them without socks on, why I can’t walk so far.” Finn can only imagine the pain that must come from Poe’s injuries; his feet are horrifically scarred, they look a little like melted candle wax, and some of his toes are a little crooked, as if they’ve been broken too many times.

Poe takes another deep breath, as if gathering the last of his strength, and finally, finally, raises his eyes to Finn’s. Finn is in too much shock to know what to say, how to respond that isn’t the tears he can feel streaming down his face.

“I know what it’s like to look at your own body and be disgusted, repulsed, revolted. It hurts me to look in the mirror every day and see a body I can barely recognise as my own. It’s a shell, it doesn’t feel like part of me anymore, and yet I have to suffer all the pain and discomfort that comes with it anyway. And every time we discussed it, or I showed doubt, you told me that you wouldn’t care. You told me my body must still be beautiful, that it didn’t matter what it looked like, you would still want me. And I was finally starting to believe you, finally beginning to accept that maybe, just maybe, you would want me despite the horror and trauma literally written on my skin. So if you think for a single second that I’m going to be disgusted by your scars, you are so wrong. So wrong. You told me so many times how you wouldn’t care. If I’m supposed to believe that of you, you have to believe me when I say the same. I only care about those scars because they brought you pain, because they nearly took you from me. But they didn’t, you’re still here, and so I don’t want to waste a single second thinking about them like that. Do you believe me?”

Poe is crying too, and his voice is finally giving way as he finishes speaking, clearly overwhelmed. Finn doesn’t have the first clue how to respond, can barely see through his tears. He opens his mouth to speak but nothing comes out, he’s not sure what he’d even say.

Instead, he does the only thing his desperate brain can think of. He pulls off his shirt, ignoring the flare of pain as he raises his arms, and throws it aside. He reaches for Poe, who is standing in front of him with shoulders shaking and fisted hands, and drags him into an embrace. Poe is stiff and uncompromising as Finn wraps his hands around Poe’s back, gently caressing some of the marks he can feel as he presses Poe against his own chest. He tries to forget the pain in his wounds, focusing only on the feel of Poe’s skin against his, warm and soft except where it’s raised with scar tissue. He can feel Poe’s chest hair against his mostly smooth front, and the scratch of it is pleasant and soothing. He focuses on the smell of Poe’s cologne and shampoo as he buries his face in Poe’s neck, uncaring of the tears he’s leaving on Poe’s skin. At last, after a long minute, Poe reaches up and tenderly wraps his arms around Finn in return. He’s careful to avoid Finn’s scar, and Finn tells himself firmly it’s because Poe doesn’t want to hurt him by touching a fresh wound, not because he’s disgusted by it. He has one arm around Finn’s shoulders, barely stretching across his broad frame, and the other low around Finn’s waist, his fingers hot and comforting against the waistband of Finn’s boxers.

They stand there for what could be a minute or an hour, neither ready to break away. Finn soaks up every second he can get, sure that Poe will go back to always wearing a t-shirt after this, will cover up like before. He relishes in Poe’s breath against his shoulder, warm and uneven as he recovers from his little speech. He can feel Poe’s heartbeat hammering against his own chest, he would think Poe was halfway to a panic attack if he couldn’t feel it slowing gradually, returning to normal. Eventually their shoulders stop shaking, the tears on Poe’s shoulder start to dry as Finn stops crying, and their breath evens out. Finn doesn’t want to be the first to pull away but his back is tight and sore, and he really needs to see Poe’s eyes right now, to be sure he hasn’t messed this up.

He pulls away, gently, presses a little kiss to Poe’s shoulder before he does, and hears the sharp inhale of breath in response. As he straightens up, wincing, he looks at Poe.

“I am so sorry my love. I didn’t think, I was being selfish and I didn’t think. You’re completely right. If I expect you to believe that I’m not bothered by your scars, I have to respect you enough to believe you feel the same about mine.”

Poe doesn’t say anything, looks away and won’t meet Finn’s eyes. Finn isn’t having any of it. He cups Poe’s face in his hand, forces him to look up.

“They don’t bother me, Poe. Well, obviously they do, they make me want to burn the whole world down because I can’t stand the thought of someone hurting you like that. If I could take that pain away I would. But they’re part of you, and so they don’t bother me. You’re still gorgeous. I still want you.”

Poe looks into Finn’s eyes again, finally, and he seems to be searching for something. Whatever it is, he finds it, because he takes yet another breath, wraps one hand around Finn’s on his cheek, the other still circling Finn’s waist, and says “I love you, mi amor”

Finn had thought it would feel more shocking, more anything, when he heard those words for the first time. No one has ever told him they love him, except Rey, and he had expected it to change everything. But somehow it doesn’t, and he realises it’s because he’s known that Poe loves him for a while. He might not have said it, but he’d demonstrated it at the hospital and a million other times besides. And Finn knows exactly how he feels about Poe too.

“I love you Poe, so much” he leans forward gently, ready to pull back if it’s too much, and presses his lips to Poe’s. It’s so tender, full of pain and heartache and all the things they’ve only barely managed to communicate. But it’s Poe, and he loves Finn, and it is everything Finn hadn’t known to ask for in his life. He pours every single grain of himself into the kiss, trying to make Poe see how completely and utterly loved he is. He thinks if he gets even halfway there, Poe will understand. Eventually, they separate, and Poe smirks up at Finn with a look that makes his knees weak.

“Does this mean you’re going to let me put the salve on your back?” Finn can’t help but chuckle, and he nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR Trigger Warnings for this chapter y'all:  
> descriptions of torture which Poe endured (as graphic as I will ever write), involving burns and wounds, as well as neglect.  
> descriptions of scars and wounds and medical procedures, and of Finn and Poe's own self-doubt/hatred over their scars.


	13. Intimacy, hard won but worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I apologise for how long this took! By my standards, it's been years!   
> This is just a relatively short chapter to tide you over, but it is absolutely FULL of yearning, fluff, and UST. All the good stuff for my wonderful readers.  
> My week has been hectic, an absolute nightmare, and I got drunk to write this - it was like therapy guys. Fully recommend.   
> As ever - TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK. I love your comments, they make me grin and squeal and blush. Keep 'em coming.
> 
> Also, I'm too wine-drunk to proofread, so if you spot a typo, help a girl out and let me know!  
> TW at the end as ever my loves, have a wonderful week!

Poe goes to grab the salve from Finn’s bag of medications, and Finn sits on the bed. His brain starts to over-analyse immediately, and before he knows it, he’s imagining the worst possible outcome of what’s about to happen. By the time Poe comes back, Finn is freaking out and trying not to let it overwhelm him. Poe gives him a fond look, like he can tell exactly what’s going on. He approaches Finn slowly, as if he’s a wild animal, and then leans down and places a kiss on Finn’s forehead.

“It’s okay cariño, I know you’re nervous right now, but it’s me, and you have nothing to be worried about. So just lie down, and let me put this on. Okay?”

Finn stares into Poe’s golden eyes, steels himself, and lies down on the bed. He pillows his head on his arms and tries to quiet his buzzing mind. He knows his heart is beating faster than usual, and that he’s jumpy. Rationally, he also knows it’s Poe and he needs to just relax and trust this man. It’s going to be fine.

Poe starts to lean over Finn, but he huffs and mutters something about reach, and then he puts one knee on the bed. And then the other. And then he shuffles closer until Finn can feel his body heat. And then he shuffles even closer, rests one hand near Finn’s shoulders and swings a knee across Finn’s hips, so he’s straddling Finn’s back.

It’s not going to be fine.

Finn’s breath stops entirely, and he feels like his heart is about to beat out of his rib cage. Poe is straddling him, neither of them are wearing shirts, and Poe is dipping his hands in the salve to start –

He reaches for Finn’s back, and suddenly his hands are on Finn’s bare skin. Finn can smell the salve, citrusy but sort of clinical, but it’s the furthest thing from his mind as Poe starts to caress Finn’s back. He only really needs to put the salve on Finn’s scar and the area immediately around it, but that’s not stopping Poe’s hands exploring the full spread of Finn’s back. His hands are hot, they feel like they’re burning Finn’s back everywhere they touch. They scorch their way across Finn’s shoulders, then down his spine, occasionally disappearing for a second to get more salve, his fingers working Finn’s tense muscles with each pass. Finn wants to panic, he really does, because Poe is _touching him_ , but it isn’t working, and he can feel his body sagging into the mattress as the tension leaves him. It feels amazing, all the stress he’s built up over the past weeks leaking out as Poe’s hands work magic across his back.

His brain is trying to freak out but it’s just not possible when he feels so incredibly relaxed and comfortable, and he’s drifting into a daze the longer it goes on. He has no idea if it’s been minutes or hours, and quite frankly he doesn’t care because he’s halfway asleep by now. He can’t help but let out a deep groan, utterly content, and he’s not quite asleep enough to miss the way Poe’s hands stop moving entirely. It’s only for a second, and then he lets out a long sigh and carries on.

Eventually, he stops, pulls away and wipes his hands on a towel Finn hadn’t even noticed him fetching. Finn is a pile of pure jelly, and only just manages to lift his head and raise an eyebrow at Poe.

“Sorry, my hands… they’re aching…I can carry on if you want…?” Poe looks deeply apologetic, and Finn immediately feels terrible for wishing he’d carry on.

“No, it’s fine! It was…nice” Nice doesn’t quite cover it, but Finn’s brain is addled and beyond coming up with words like ‘fantastic’ and ‘mind-blowing’ and ‘best thing I’ve ever felt’…

Poe smiles at him, and flexes his hands as he gets up and moves away. Finn is already mourning the weight of Poe’s body on top of him, not sure when he’ll get to enjoy it again. He stretches and rolls onto his side, watches as Poe hovers awkwardly for what feels like the millionth time tonight. He can’t quite keep his eyelids from drooping, or a yawn from spilling from his lips.

Poe chuckles at him, and pulls the blankets over Finn’s exhausted body. He leans forward to kiss Finn’s forehead and Finn can feel himself melting even further into the bed, the happiest and most content he’s ever been. Except that Poe starts to leave… no, that’s absolutely not allowed to happen, not if Finn has anything to say about it.

He stretches an arm out towards Poe, just before he can turn away and disappear from the room, and wraps his fingers around Poe’s wrist. Poe gives him a look, uncertain and hesitant, and Finn gazes up at this man who is quickly becoming the centre of his universe.

“Stay?” The single word hangs in the air, and Finn almost regrets it as the seconds stretch on.

“You…you sure?” Poe looks adorably unsure, and Finn reaches out with his other arm too, gesturing for Poe to join him on the bed. Poe looks at him, inquiringly, searchingly, for far too long before he acquiesces, crawling under the blankets with Finn. Finn quickly scoots back to make room, but Poe seems to take it as a sign that he doesn’t want to be touched, because he goes still and doesn’t move an inch towards Finn’s warm and welcoming body.

“Come here? Please?” Again, Poe looks uncertain, so Finn just rolls his eyes and pulls him closer, until he’s tucked up against Finn’s chest, and then he slides one arm under the pillow beneath Poe’s head, and another wraps its way around Poe’s waist. He can feel that Poe is a little tense, and of course he’s worried that he’s overstepped some uncrossable boundary, that he’s upset Poe by touching him too much or too firmly, but he’s too sleepy and too happy to care.

Poe finally let him in, finally opened up and shared what was going on in his head, and that combined with the closeness and the feeling of Poe’s warm back against his chest is enough to make him fall asleep within seconds.

\---

It’s late, almost pitch black except for the glow of luminescent stars fixed on Poe’s ceiling. For a minute, Finn can’t work out what woke him up, and just stares sleepily at the stars above him, pleased to see Poe had put up his gift. Then Poe twitches and groans in his sleep, and Finn realises exactly what woke him up.

Poe is having a nightmare.

He’s twitching and groaning, but he’s not wriggling like Finn would expect him to. He keeps flinching away from some imaginary aggressor, and soon his groans turn to all out whimpers. Finn’s heart breaks listening to them, but he’s afraid to reach out, because he knows from experience that sometimes people woken from nightmares can lash out. He watches, frozen, as Poe starts to beg. He’s shaking and whimpering, begging whatever figure haunts his nightmares to stop, to let him go. Finn is still worried, but he can’t watch this anymore, can’t bear to see Poe in pain. He leans forward, reaches out, tentative but knowing he can’t let Poe suffer.

“Poe? Babe? Please wake up, it’s just a dream, it’s just a dream” He grasps Poe’s shoulder, gently but firmly, and he wants to cry when Poe flinches away from him. He strokes a hand down Poe’s arm, brushes his curls away from his sweating forehead, and shakes him gently.

Poe jerks awake, scrabbling across the mattress and away from Finn, eyes darting around the room and hands clutching at the sheet. He looks panicked, and he’s clearly not fully awake or aware yet.

“Poe? Baby, it’s me, it’s Finn. You’re okay, I promise, it was just a dream, nothing’s wrong”

Poe’s eyes focus on Finn, narrowed and suspicious for just a minute before they widen, and suddenly he’s lunging across the bed, blankets tangling around them both as he curls himself up into a tiny ball on Finn’s lap.

Finn is stunned, completely, because he had expected Poe to shrink in on himself and avoid Finn’s presence like the plague, but instead he’s pressed up against Finn’s body as if he can’t bear an inch of space between them, and Finn can feel Poe’s quick breaths against his still bare chest. He slowly, haltingly, reaches up to wrap his arms around Poe’s quivering shoulders. It still feels incredible, to be touching Poe’s bare skin after so many weeks of shirts and jumpers and overcoats and every other layer imaginable between them, but it also feels right. So incredibly, unerringly right. Like they’ve been working towards this from the moment they met, and maybe they have, because even though he knows Poe is scared and suffering, Finn can’t imagine a better feeling than having this man in his arms, skin to skin. But he can’t think about that right now, because Poe is in pain and he needs to be strong right now, to pull Poe out of his head. He squeezes Poe against his chest, rubs a hand tenderly up and down his scarred back, and presses his lips against Poe’s damp curls.

“It’s alright, you’re okay, there there, it’s okay” He doesn’t even realise he’s doing it, but he starts to rock back and forth ever so slightly, until eventually he’s rocking Poe in his lap, lulling him back to sleep with soft noises and shushing sounds, feeling Poe’s hands slowly stop shaking where they rest against his chest. It’s soothing to him as well, and he feels like this is both wonderfully new and yet years old, like they’ve been doing this for years, they just didn’t realise. He can’t shake this feeling that Poe and he were somehow intended for each other, made to be together like this. His broken edges seem to compliment Poe’s, and together they’re almost one functional human. He knows they both had to go through shit to get here, but they made it, and right now, in the middle of the night with Poe in his lap and nothing else to worry about, he feels whole. He would walk through fire, go through every terrible experience he’s ever had, twice, if it led to this. If it meant he got this, he’d do anything. He presses a kiss into Poe’s curls, and lays back in the bed, Poe still curled into his chest. They lie there, no words or noises besides Finn’s gentle soothing sounds, and slowly fall back to sleep. Finn’s last thought before he surrenders totally to unconsciousness is that he’s going to marry this man, one day.

\---

Poe blinks sleepily, confused by where he is and the light that’s pouring across his half-clothed body. His sofa is usually harder underneath him, less forgiving on his weary bones, and the blankets he usually sleeps under is rarely this warm or heavy across him.

He finally opens his eyes properly, and is more than a little surprised at the sight he sees and the memories sparked in his mind. Finn is passed out still, completely unconscious, his arm thrown across Poe’s stomach and his face turned towards Poe, his lips pressed against Poe’s bare shoulder. It’s unbearably intimate, and for a minute Poe can hardly breathe as he remembers the previous night. How he’d bared his worst moments to Finn’s understanding gaze, how he’d massaged Finn’s tortured body, how Finn had held him as he drifted off, and then again when he’d surfaced from a nightmare. Finn had held him, rocked him as he recovered, and drifted off to sleep with Poe resting on his chest. Poe is shocked, really, that they made it through so much in one night. Those were heavy topics, moments Poe had been putting off and avoiding for as long as he could, and they’d just blasted through several in one night. He’s amazed there hadn’t been arguments, breakdowns, panic attacks. He’s stunned he hadn’t ended up in a full-blown episode, waking up from a nightmare is usually traumatic… but with Finn there, it had been… okay, painless definitely isn’t the right word, it had been awful, but it hadn’t been as bad as usual.

Finn had seen most of the worst parts of him, and he was still here. More than that, he’s curled up against Poe happily, unwilling to let him go even in sleep. Poe rubs his eyes, remembers the dream that had woken him. Usually, he’d struggle to chase the memories away, they’d haunt him for the rest of the day and he’d drift through work barely coping with the world around him. But instead, he’s having to search his brain, wracking his mind to remember the horrors that had plagued him in the night. He does remember, eventually, and goes cold when he does.

The nightmare had been particularly awful. He’d been locked in that place, the same as always, but a new terror had been added to the mix. Instead of torturing him, they’d been tormenting Finn. He’d been forced to watch as they hurt Finn in all the ways they’d hurt Poe, as Finn had cried and begged and desperately pleaded to die. Poe shakes himself, wishing he hadn’t searched for the memories, wishing he’d let them stay in the recesses of his subconscious. But then Finn shifts against him, snuffles softly, and mouths inaudible words into Poe’s shoulder, his lips caressing Poe’s skin. All thoughts of the nightmare are dispelled from Poe’s mind. He can’t focus on anything but the feeling of Finn against him, of Finn’s arm tightening around his waist and pulling him even closer, as if there were more than a millimetre between them to begin with. He lets himself enjoy the moment, stops trying to remember the awful thoughts his brain had conjured up last night, and snuggles back into Finn’s embrace.

Eventually, the sun beating across his skin is too hot, and he needs to pee anyway. He gently moves Finn’s arm, rests it back on the bed and slinks out of the bed towards the bathroom. He can barely stand to leave Finn behind, not when he’s lying in Poe’s bed wearing only his boxers, not when his hand is fluttering across the mattress like he’s searching for Poe’s body, not when he looks as content and peaceful as he does. But Poe has to pee, and he should make some breakfast because Finn is bound to be hungry when he wakes up. He turns away, finally, even though it takes all the will power he has, and heads for the bathroom.

When he returns, Finn is looking up at him with a look that is possibly the most adorable thing Poe’s ever seen. His brow is furrowed and he’s pouting, but when he spots Poe his eyes light up and the creases between his eyebrows disappear. He smiles, softly, and Poe can’t help but hurry back into his arms, pressing kiss after kiss to his plush lips. He doesn’t even care that they both probably have morning breath, because Finn is rolling on top of him, pressing his chest and his hips against Poe’s, and Poe’s heart stops entirely when he feels Finn’s hard length pressed up against him. Finn sucks in a sharp breath and pulls away almost immediately, muttering apologies that Poe is too far gone to care about.

“Finn, it’s fine, stop, hey! Stop!” Finn does, presses his lips in a tight line and stares down at Poe with perfect brown eyes and eyelashes so long they almost look fake. “It’s the morning, I understand”

“It’s not just that. It’s you.” Finn looks sheepish, and Poe can’t decide if this is better than his just-waking-up face, but decides it doesn’t matter if he gets to see both as often as he likes for the rest of his life.

“Oh yeah? That’s doin’ it for ya huh?” He drawls out, sliding a hand down Finn’s back until it’s squeezing Finn’s taut ass and pulling their hips together again. Finn is gasping, breathless as he buries his face in Poe’s neck. Poe uses the opportunity to kiss at Finn’s ear, to whisper to him,

“You’re not the only one buddy” and grind up into him. He’s never usually this happy, this alive after a nightmare, but Finn is here and that makes everything different.

Which of course makes him feel even worse when Finn pulls back suddenly like he’s been burned, pulls his knees into his chest and wraps his bulging arms around them, buries his head in the space his legs have left and mutters something.

“Hey, mi amor, I didn’t hear that. What did I do?” He wants to reach out and hold Finn, the way Finn had held him the previous night, but he’s not sure if his touch would be welcomed right now, so instead he freezes, hands fluttering nervously and teeth sinking into his bottom lip as he worries.

“Mm just…not…can’t…never….”

“Finn, I need you to look up at me and say it, because I can’t hear and you’re worrying me.”

“I’m just not ready yet. I’ve never done any of that. Any of it. And I don’t want to mess it up. Want it to be good for you.”

Wow. Poe hadn’t been prepared to hear that. He’d just assumed that Finn didn’t talk about his past lovers because he’s shy, or he doesn’t want to bring up unpleasant memories. He can’t understand why someone like Finn wouldn’t have had men and women alike clamouring for his attention. He knows that Finn is gay, so that explains the women, and he knows that Finn is shy and doubts himself, so maybe it’s not that surprising, especially when one adds DADA to the mix. But Poe had never really considered it. Now that he is, he realises just how special the last few hours have been, how much they must have cost Finn, how incredibly intimate it must have felt for Finn to be so close with Poe. He finally reaches for Finn, wraps himself around him like a koala, and murmurs words of comfort and praise to Finn until he eventually uncurls and returns Poe’s embrace. Only then does Poe look Finn in the eye and speak.

“Finn, I don’t care. It doesn’t change anything. I still want you, and I don’t care if you don’t have a clue what you’re doing or you finish after a second. You’re my whole world and I love you, and sex doesn’t have to be some big scary thing. It’s just you and me, and it doesn’t have to happen if you’re not ready. It never has to happen, if you don’t want.” At that, Finn’s eyes widen and he gives Poe a look so filled with innocent panic that he can’t help but laugh. “Okay, okay, it’ll happen eventually, no need to look so wounded. But not until you’re ready, alright? I promise”

Finn seems comforted by this, and Poe is finally able to relax, knowing he hasn’t messed everything up. It doesn’t matter to him whether it takes a month or a year or a decade, he doesn’t need to sleep with Finn to know that what they have is the real deal, that he’d be a fool to let Finn go. He’s in it for the long haul, and he can wait as long as it takes until Finn is comfortable. He’ll just have to ignore how uncomfortably tight his sweats are, and the way that Finn’s bare skin practically shines in the morning light. He can do it, he reassures himself, and in the end, it’ll be worth it for even a second more with Finn.

Of course, as he watches Finn’s sculpted ass fade from view when he heads for the shower, he realises that there’s more than one form of torture, and that he’s probably not ready for what’s in store.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, Trigger Warnings for this chapter - very minimal. Some v minor sexual yearning, mentions of boners, and of virginity. Nothing traumatic.  
> One nightmare, and the related mentions of torture - nothing graphic, and it's resolved happily in the fic. Also, mentions of scars, but only vaguely.  
> You should be safe with this one!


	14. First time for everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up readers, the smut train is in town....
> 
> (TW at the end, and as always, love to hear your feedback!)

Finn lets the pounding of the shower on his face calm his nerves, and tries to ignore the insistent weight of his erection against his hip. He hadn’t meant for any of that to happen, wasn’t sure he was ever going to tell Poe the truth about his complete lack of experience. In a way, he almost feels relieved that it’s out, but he knows Poe will have questions, and he’ll need to explain properly. His hands shake as he runs them across his face, and he exhales sharply through his nose, rests his forehead against the cool tiles and tries to think logically, to forget the insecurities and fears that have followed him his whole life.

As he lathers Poe’s pine and mint bodywash across his chest (and absent-mindedly relishes in the idea of smelling like Poe all day) he tries to sort through his muddled thoughts. So Poe knows he’s a complete and utter virgin. That’s big, but given the way Poe had reacted, maybe it wasn’t a total dealbreaker. He needs to explain to Poe about his past, and all the messy and unpleasant parts he’s glossed over so far. He needs to let Poe know that he’s not totally opposed to anything physical happening between them, that in fact he’s very much interested in that. But that he’s scared, and inexperienced, and he doesn’t have the first clue how to do any of that. Okay, so it’s going to be yet another awkward, weird conversation with his boyfriend, and he’d better do it sooner rather than later. If he waits, if he lets himself get away with it for ever a day, he’ll probably never do it. He’ll end up putting it off and off and off, until something terrible happens – he’ll end up having a panic attack, or yelling at Poe in some misguided attempt to avoid breaking down his carefully constructed walls. It’ll be horrible, and he’ll hate himself afterwards and it might end up ruining this wonderful thing they’re building together. And then Finn will lock himself away for days, weeks, god knows how long, and he’s not sure if he’ll ever be the same again. If he loses Poe… he’ll fall apart. He can barely cope with the idea, with the thought of how utterly devastated and wrecked he’d be if their relationship fell apart. They’ve only known each other a few months, and Finn realises that he’s possibly in a little too deep, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if other people wouldn’t understand, would judge him for how quickly he’s fallen, because he knows that Poe is the single most incredible person he’s ever met. Poe makes him feel brave, makes him feel like he’s himself for the first time in his life – he’s not just another number, another soldier, another student. He’s loved and cared for and someone wants to be with him. And he loves Poe too much to fuck it up over this, over anything.

Instead, he’s going to be brave, he’s going to do something bold and out of character and he’s going to just come right out and talk about his feelings. He’s going to get out of the shower, because Poe probably thinks he’s drowned by now, and he’s going to get dressed. Then he’s going to walk into the kitchen, sit down opposite Poe, and tear down all the walls he’s been building since he was a kid. The walls that protected him through group homes and fosters, through training and deployment, through undergrad and all the other moments when he might otherwise have been vulnerable. He’s going to tear his walls down and open up to Poe, and it will be worth it because it’ll make them closer, make Poe understand, and Poe is good and pure and kind and so he won’t run for the hills, and he won’t look at Finn with eyes full of pity. It’ll be fine. It will. It has to be. He’s going to make sure of it.

He rinses off, stops the shower, and gets out. He tries to work out what he’s going to say, but nothing is coming to him. He towels off, brushes his teeth in the mirror and tries not to notice how wide his eyes are or how frightened they look. He heads back to Poe’s bedroom, feels his cheeks heat at the rumpled sheets and the memories they bring back. He pulls fresh boxers out of his overnight bag, and he’s about to grab a t-shirt too when he catches sight of Poe’s dresser. Poe wears his sweater, surely he won’t mind if Finn wears something of his? He opens the first draw and strikes out with boxers and socks all neatly arranged. He opens the next, and sees stacks of neatly laundered and folded t-shirts. Bingo. He pulls out something navy blue, and he’s comforted immediately by the smell of Poe’s detergent and the softness of the fabric. He winces at the pain in his back as he pulls it on, aware he has yet to take his meds today, and breathes in the comfort and reassurance of being surrounded by Poe’s clothes. The t-shirt is probably (definitely) too small for him, stretching tight across his shoulders and catching repeatedly on his back. He almost rethinks the choice of attire as it rubs on his scars, but honestly he’d rather suffer a little if it means he can have this comfort while he has to have what is sure to be an unpleasant conversation, and it’ll be fine once he’s taken his painkillers. He pulls on a pair of his own sweatpants, leaves his feet bare and forces himself to head for the kitchen.

When he gets there, Poe is humming as he makes eggs, and Finn is slightly distracted by the sight of Poe almost dancing as he cooks, before he remembers that Poe really cannot cook at all, and he should probably be a little worried. But Poe looks up, and beams at him with a toothy grin that completely derails every thought Finn’s ever had. Who cares if the eggs are burnt or the toast is cold, Poe is smiling and humming and swaying to his own tune, and Finn can’t see anything but the man he loves being happy. He knows the conversation they’re about to have is going to be difficult, but right now he can’t stop himself from crossing the kitchen, skirting around the island and scooping Poe up into a huge cuddle. He kisses his boyfriend senseless, arms squeezing him closer as they twine their way around Poe’s waist. He loses himself in Poe’s lips against his, and the way Poe nibbles at his bottom lip. After a minute, when he starts to smell burning, he pulls away and nods his head towards the pan.

“SHIT!” Poe is scrabbling to rescue their breakfast, but it clearly isn’t going to work. Eventually he just turns the stove off and gives up, staring mournfully at his attempt to feed them both. Finn chuckles, kisses Poe’s unshaven cheek and reassures him.

“It’s fine, toast is good enough for me” Poe is sulking a bit, but Finn thinks he’s adorable even so, and manages to ignore the impending doom the whole way through his first piece of toast. He takes the meds Poe places in front of him, and within a few minutes his back feels less tight, less sore, which is a relief. He starts another piece of toast, aware he’s stalling. Eventually though, he knows it’s got to be now or never. He takes a long gulp of orange juice and then clears his throat. Poe looks up at him quizzically, clearly seeing that he’s about to say something, and puts down his food while he waits.

Finn has about four false starts where he opens his mouth and nothing comes out, before he finally just lets it all pour out.

“So. This morning… I’m sorry I hadn’t told you before. I didn’t really know how to, I’ve never had to deal with any of this before, and I’m really not sure what I’m doing.”

“Finn, it’s okay, you don’t have to explain to me or apologise or any of it”

“Please, Poe, can I just say all this because otherwise I’m going to chicken out and I’ll never manage to get it all out”

“Okay, go ahead” Poe makes a ‘carry on’ gesture with his hand, so he does.

“So now you know. I’m a virgin. And if I’m honest, I’ve never really been in a relationship at all. I’m sort of… okay, I’m really bad at this stuff. You know I grew up in fosters and group homes, right?” Poe nods, but doesn’t interrupt, so Finn goes on. “It was rough. I was a small kid, and I was usually the one the bigger kids picked on. I was eight when I met Rey. She was tiny, smaller than me, but she was tough as nails and every time someone picked on me, she stood up and fought back. She got beat too most of the time, but it helped. She was always there, and I wasn’t on my own anymore, so it wasn’t as bad. And we stuck up for each other, looked out for one another, you know? It was better. But it was still rough. And then we got separated, foster after foster. They always sent me back, and that was awful, but it was worse that they never sent her back. We kept in touch, when we could, but her foster dad was a horrible bastard, and he never liked her having friends really. So I had to learn to fight my own battles again, and being out was only going to make me a target. I figured out I was gay when I was about eleven, but I was too scared to talk about it. I never wanted anyone to know because I knew it made me different and I didn’t want anyone to have a reason to notice me.”

Poe reaches out a hand across the table and takes Finn’s, smooths his thumb across Finn’s shaking hand and it gives Finn the strength to keep going.

“When I turned eighteen, I thought I could be free. But Rey went straight to college, and of course she was a prodigy, and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I wanted to get out, as far away as I could, so I joined up. I got big, and it was harder for people to pick on me, they treated me like one of the guys instead. There were plenty of problems with that, because they thought I was like them, that I was thirsting over everything in a skirt and waiting for dirty letters from my girlfriend, but it was easier than being beat. So I kept pretending. They thought Rey was my girlfriend, and I let them think that. I was never really close to any of them, there was always a barrier between us. There was one guy, we were closer than the others. Slip. He was… he reminded me of me. When I was younger. He was smaller, and he was always messing up, and the others used to give him shit sometimes. I tried to be there for him, to stop them when it got bad. He was the first friend I’d made since Rey, and even though it wasn’t really… I couldn’t open up, and there was so much we didn’t know about each other, but we were still friends. I thought maybe I could have told him about being gay, if it wasn’t for DADA. He might have understood.”

Finn pauses, and he’s sure that Poe can tell there’s more to that story, but he’s not ready for that yet, doesn’t want to open that particular box right now. He pushes on, suppresses all the memories of Slip, focuses on the topic at hand.

“I never got chance to tell Slip. And after… after everything, I realised I hated it there. I was a weapon, they’d turned me into a weapon, and I didn’t even know what I was fighting for. The people there were just normal, ordinary people. They were scared of us, scared of me, and I never wanted that. So when my time ended, I got out. Didn’t sign up again. I came back here. And Rey was here, being a genius, and I was so scared things wouldn’t be the same that I moved all the way across the country to go to college. And it was fine. It was better. No one really picked on me anymore, because I was the big scary army guy, but no one really wanted to be my friend either. Or my boyfriend. I guess no one knew I was gay. I had… there were people I talked to, or sat with in class, or got put with for group projects. But I was alone, mostly. I went to a few parties, even kissed a few guys. But I was so alone. I’d done it again, the same as when I joined up – I’d run away, thought it would make me feel less alone being somewhere new. But it was so lonely, and I felt so detached. So I decided to come back. And I had Rey, and she’s… she’s the best thing that ever happened to me, until I met you.”

Poe squeezes Finn’s hand that’s still held in his, gives him a warm smile across the table, his eyes crinkling at the corners so sweetly that Finn feels filled with love.

“I’ve never… I’m a virgin. And to be honest I’ve barely been kissed, until you. And I have no clue what I’m supposed to do, or how intimacy is supposed to work, and you’re… you’re you. You’re gorgeous, just the most handsome, charming, beautiful man I’ve ever seen. And you’ve lived, you’ve had a past, and I haven’t. I don’t want to mess things up. I don’t want to hurt you somehow, or make it bad, or… I don’t even know! I’m just so scared of fucking up. I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you.”

Poe stands up then, lets go of Finn’s hand, but Finn doesn’t really have time to mourn its loss before Poe is rounding the table between them and wrapping his arms firmly around Finn’s shoulders where he’s still sat. Finn presses his head into Poe’s stomach, holds him back, and relishes the feeling of Poe’s gentle hands rubbing at the back of his neck. He almost wants to cry, feels this huge relief, like someone has taken their boot off his chest, but it’s terrifying how much of himself he’s just laid bare to Poe. Eventually, Poe lets him go, and crouches down in front of him. He rests his hands on Finn’s thighs, squeezes gently, and looks directly into Finn’s eyes. Finn is lost in the molten gold of Poe’s eyes, but he just about manages to concentrate when Poe starts speaking.

“Thank you. Thank you for sharing all of that with me, I know it was hard for you and I want you to know that it means a lot. I’m really glad you told me all of this before I did something stupid and made you really uncomfortable. Look at us, communicating like adults!” He laughs softly and Finn can’t help but smile in agreement. He is quite proud of himself, to be honest, for opening up and maybe averting some horrible catastrophe or miscommunication.

“Now, as for what you’ve told me. You should know that it doesn’t make a damn bit of difference to me that you’ve never been with anyone before.” Poe seems to stop before he’s finished, and Finn distantly notes the blush on his cheeks when he shakes his head slightly and continues. “No, actually, that’s not true, the idea of being the first is…. Yeah okay it’s sort of hot. The idea that I get to be the one to show you how? To be the only one who gets you like this? I won’t lie Finn; I really like that idea.” His eyes are dark, and Finn swallows, caught up in the way Poe is looking at him like he’s a pool of clear water in a desert, something to be devoured. He feels hot all over, knowing Poe is imagining it.

“However. More importantly. I don’t mind that you’ve never done this, and I’m not judging you. You’re not going to do anything wrong; you’re not going to hurt me; you’re not going to be bad. We’ll go so slow, as slow as you need, and we’ll work it all out together. We’ll get there, when you’re ready, and not a second before. But you have to keep talking to me. Tell me when you want something, when you like something, when it feels good. And you have to tell me when it doesn’t. I never want to make you uncomfortable or do something you don’t want. So, let’s make a promise to always be honest, to tell each other how we’re feeling, yeah?”

Finn nods easily, completely caught up in Poe taking charge, allaying all his fears like he’s got the answers Finn has been searching for his whole life. It’s magical, feeling cared for and safe like this, and he will never get tired of it. It’s also incredibly attractive, knowing he can relax and let Poe take care of him.

“When you want something, if you want something, you tell me cariño, and we’ll make it happen.” Poe stands up, groaning as he stretches his legs out, and then he leans forward and captures Finn’s lips with his. The kiss is soft, gentle, steady, more reassurance from the man he loves, but there’s an edge there, and Finn can tell Poe wants him. When Poe pulls away, he settles beside Finn instead of across from him, pulls his plate in front of him, and proceeds to eat his breakfast with one hand while the other is stretched across the back of Finn’s chair, caressing Finn’s shoulders and the back of his neck every now and then. The feeling sends shivers down Finn’s newly-healed spine.

Finn can’t help but feel like a snowglobe that someone has shaken. He’s full of feelings and thoughts, storming around inside his head and his heart like a blizzard, but he’s not sure he minds. He feels loved, under it all, and that makes everything else clearer. He feels nervous, but not like he’s about to go into battle, more like he’s about to jump off a diving board, and he knows that when he hits the water it’s going to be fantastic. He feels excited… belatedly, he realises he’s turned on. The way Poe had been so gentle but so in charge… yeah, apparently that’s what Finn likes. He thinks if his skin was paler Poe might be able to see the blush on his cheeks, and he’s thankful for his dark skin. He picks up his toast and starts eating again, barely even noticing it’s cold, mind completely consumed by thoughts of Poe speaking to him like that, looking at him like that, while they’re in bed.

Poe doesn’t say anything, and they finish their breakfast in silence before Poe kisses the top of Finn’s head and wanders off for a shower. He probably doesn’t realise the torrent of red-hot desire he’s unleashed in Finn.

\---

Poe doesn’t really think about it when he emerges from the shower, wraps a towel round his waist and heads into his room. He assumes Finn is still in the kitchen, or maybe that he’s sat on the couch texting Rey. He is not, in fact, still in the kitchen. Nor is he sat on the couch. He’s lying on Poe’s bed, and he watches Poe walk into the room with a hungry look on his face that makes heat spill down Poe’s chest.

“Hey there precioso, I didn’t realise you were in here” Poe’s voice is nervous, he can tell that Finn hears it. But Finn smiles at him, and the flash of his white teeth is almost dangerous as he starts to speak, eyes lingering on where Poe’s skin disappears beneath the towel. Poe grips the towel tighter.

“You said I should let you know when I wanted something. I want something.”

Shit. Wow. Okay. Poe’s brain shuts down completely, waits ten seconds and then reboots, like a malfunctioning computer. He blinks at Finn a few times, and sees Finn grin begin to falter. That’s when he leaps into action. The first thing he does is let out the groan he’d been holding in. Finn’s grin regains its brilliance, and Poe realises just how invested he is in keeping Finn smiling like that.

“This is unexpected. I thought we’d be waiting a while… I’m… very much on board with this.”

“That’s good, I was hoping you would be”

“What do you want then baby?”

There’s uncertainty in Finn’s eyes, but he clearly beats it back, because he circles his shoulders, looks Poe in the eyes, and speaks.

“I thought maybe I could blow you.”

At that, Poe chokes. He makes a noise that can only be described as a whine, high pitched and needy, and feels his knees threaten to give way beneath him. He stumbles towards Finn, hooked as if on a line, and ends up claiming Finn’s mouth in a searing kiss that only makes his brain fuzzier. Finn responds eagerly, tongue tracing the seam of Poe’s lips until he’s granted entrance, connecting with Poe’s own in a way that makes sparks fly behind Poe’s closed eyes. His hands reach for Poe, running down his back, and Poe has just enough presence of mind to feel self-conscious about his scars, until Finn pulls away long enough to breathe out “you’re so beautiful Poe”, before diving back towards Poe’s mouth. After that, he tries to ignore the cruel voice in his head, and focuses on the way Finn’s hands pull him closer, how Finn’s teeth nip at his bottom lip, how he can feel Finn’s hard on rubbing against him where they’re pressed together. He pulls away eventually, not quite sure where he gets the strength or willpower, and rests his forehead against Finn’s as he tries to catch his breath.

Finn seems to take this is his cue to wreck Poe further, mouthing insistently along his jaw line, then onto his neck, alighting on a spot that makes Poe arch into him and mewl like a cat in heat. He’s faintly embarrassed, but not enough to ask Finn to stop. After a minute, Finn pulls away of his own accord, and gazes at Poe with eyes that are blown wide and heavy lidded.

“Is that a yes?”

“Fuck, cariño that is definitely a yes. Are you sure you want to do this? We can wait as long as you want, we don’t have to-“

“Poe, I love you, and I love the sound of your voice, but you need to stop talking. I’m sure. I want to.”

That’s good enough for Poe, Finn’s enthusiasm carrying him along too. He pulls at Finn’s t-shirt, annoyed by how tight it is, until he puts two and two together.

“You’re wearing my shirt.”

“Yeah, is that okay?”

“Yes, god yes. I like seeing you in my clothes.” Poe knows he’s got a possessive streak a mile wide, and he’s not ashamed. Seeing Finn in clothes that are obviously his is really doing it for him, and apparently his possessiveness is doing it for Finn, if the smirk he shoots Poe is any indication. He pulls back and rips the shirt off. Poe immediately starts pressing kisses to Finn’s naked chest that have Finn groaning, but he pushes Poe back, manouevres him until he’s sat on the edge of the bed, and slides to his knees between Poe’s thighs.

Poe’s mind goes on another impromptu holiday at the sight of Finn on his knees. It extends the vacation when Finn starts pressing kisses along Poe’s inner thighs without ever taking his eyes off Poe’s. His warm hands are rubbing up and down Poe’s thighs, and Poe thinks he’s maybe going to pass out. He forces himself to take a deep breath, to let it out, and to cup Finn’s cheek in his hand.

“You’re gorgeous. So gorgeous Finn. Incredible.”

“Show me what to do?” Poe thinks the strongest man on the planet would struggle to deny a request like that, especially when spoken in Finn’s deep voice made deeper with lust. He nods, speechless, and tries to regain some semblance of the control he’d lost the moment he saw Finn on his bed.

He pulls the towel totally away from himself, and is blessed with the noise Finn makes deep in his throat when he fixes his eyes on Poe’s cock. It’s fully hard at this point, unsurprisingly, and curving up his belly, twitches under Finn’s heated gaze.

“Touch it? Like you touch yourself” And god isn’t that a thought. Poe is almost sidetracked, until Finn reaches forward and grasps his cock almost reverently. He’s gentle, clearly not wanting to do anything wrong, and Poe can’t have that. He wraps his hand over Finn’s on his dick, clasps it tighter and guides Finn to slide up and down until he’s gasping, nearly losing it already at the focused, studious expression on Finn’s face and the warmth of his hand.

“Feels amazing. Do you want to put your mouth on it?”

“Fuck, yes, Poe, but I don’t-“

“Doesn’t matter, you can’t mess this up, just… careful with your teeth, and you’ll be fine. I’ll tell you if I need you to do it differently. Honesty remember?” He’s proud of himself for getting that many words out when every drop of blood in his body is filling his cock, and Finn’s determined look is reward enough in itself.

Finn rolls his shoulders back and wraps his lips around the head of Poe’s dick. He’s looking up at Poe for reassurance, guidance, but Poe is making a whimpering noise he didn’t know he was capable of, and his head has fallen back, mouth open and slack. Finn clearly takes this as a positive sign, because he gets braver. He flicks his tongue to circle Poe’s tip, and then pulls off to lick his lips, before diving back in. He gets more of Poe in his mouth this time, halfway down maybe, his hand gripping the rest almost too tightly, but Poe is thankful because it’s probably the only thing stopping him from cumming.

Poe finally manages to pull his head back up, to meet Finn’s eyes, and he bites his lip at the sight of his cock in Finn’s plush mouth. It’s wet and hot and he’s not sure he’s not dreaming, but he’s enjoying every second.

“Fuck, Finn, you’re, oh god, so good. So good.”

Finn sucks a little harder at that, and Poe wonders if maybe…. He needs more evidence, decides the tiny part of his brain that’s still online. So he tries to get some.

“You’re doing so well baby, so amazing, can’t believe you’ve never done this before” He knows he was right about his suspicions when Finn’s eyes flutter shut and he moans around his mouthful. Poe grins, half mad with lust but conscious enough to realise Finn has a praise kink, and won’t that be fun to play with.

Finn seems to really get into it then, driven on by the praises and affirmations spilling from Poe’s lips, and he starts bobbing up and down on Poe’s cock. Before long there’s spit everywhere, and it’s sloppy and messy and the best thing Poe has ever felt in his life. The last time he did this was before his last flight, with Muran, and he’s sure it hadn’t been anything like this. Muran used to hate giving head, if he could be convinced it was usually unenthusiastic and perfunctory, the warm up before the main event, a chore he had to do before Poe would let him fuck him. But this… the way Finn is dragging his lips along Poe like he’s never tasted anything so good, like he can’t get enough… it’s driving Poe wild, and it’s taking everything in him not to buck his hips up into Finn’s mouth. Finn seems to sense this, because he takes his free hand and presses Poe’s hips firmly into the bed, which, well fuck. Poe had thought he was in charge, but now he’s not quite so sure. He doesn’t care, because he’s losing his mind in all the best ways, and Finn’s moaning around his dick, eyes fixed on Poe.

It’s not long before Poe is pushing at Finn’s shoulder, trying to make words instead of inarticulate sounds, trying to warn him.

“Tesoro, I’m going to, I need to…” He doesn’t manage to finish, but he’s not sure it matters, because Finn just squeezes Poe’s hip and forces Poe deeper into his mouth, until he grazes the back of Finn’s throat, and that’s it, Poe’s done. His vision whites out as he stares unseeingly down at Finn, mouth open in a long and loud moan which might or might not be Finn’s name. His hips are twitching, still anchored by Finn’s arm, and his hands are clenched on Finn’s shoulders, probably leaving marks. Finn doesn’t complain, just swallows everything Poe has to give, and then pulls off, panting. He licks his lips, and Poe jerks, aftershocks ripping through him. Finn is grinning up at him, and Poe is absolutely and utterly ruined. He flops back on the bed, arm over his face and breath coming heavy as he tries to find thoughts in blank expanse of his brain.

“So… was that… alright? That was good right?” Finn sounds so eager, but his voice is slightly hoarse, and Poe thinks he might get hard again, twice in quick succession for the first time since he turned thirty-five. He lifts his head off the bed, moves his arm from over his eyes, and fixes Finn with an incredulous look.

“Mi amor, that was…. Life-changing” Finn’s laugh rings in his ears as he collapses back into the mattress, boneless and sated. Finn crawls up next to him, snuggles into his side, and Poe loses himself in the complete and utter contentment that fill his every atom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings - smut. Basically, Finn blows Poe. It is totally, enthusiastically consensual and everyone has a great time.   
> Poe thinks briefly about the way past lovers were, and how they were uninterested, but nothing non-consensual.  
> Finn discusses being bullied, and thinks briefly about Slip dying. Nothing graphic.


	15. Homemade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a short one to tide you all over folks. I've had real trouble with this - not sure why, but writer's block has hit hard. I'm also very busy right now, so things have been a bit crazy. I only have a few more chapters planned, and I'm hoping to write another one this week, but no guarantees. Sorry for the slow down!!
> 
> (There are no warnings for this chapter I don't think! let me know if you see something and want me to stick a warning on it)

They’ve cleaned up and moved to the sofa by the time the knock on the door comes. Poe had tried to reciprocate, but Finn had said he wasn’t ready yet, so Poe had immediately backed off, albeit after stealing a searing kiss. Then he’d gotten dressed, enjoying the feeling of Finn’s eyes on him the whole time. They’d relocated to the living room, and Finn had forced Poe to let him do Spanish work, knowing that Poe couldn’t resist when he turned puppy dog eyes on him. He’s sat in between Poe’s legs, again, this time focusing on his essay rather than Poe. He’s concentrating fairly well, but every now and then he’s distracted by the feeling of Poe’s hands running through his twists, and he ends up leaning into it for a few minutes, soaking up the feeling of being loved. Poe is grading papers, occasionally huffing when a student has written something ridiculous, and sometimes he mutters under his breath, things like ‘exactly’ and ‘yes! That’s just it!’. It makes nice background noise for Finn to work, and before long he’s nearly finished his essay. He’ll ask Poe to check it for him afterwards, but he’s fairly confident he’s got most of the grammar right. They’re both so wrapped up in their work that they’re almost startled by the knock. Finn turns to look at Poe questioningly, but he shrugs and gets up to answer the door.

Finn hears male voices and the door shutting again, but he can’t quite figure out who it is, so he follows Poe towards the noise. He’s somewhat surprised to see Ben stood there, two shopping bags held in one enormous hand, the other arm wrapped around Poe in a hug. Poe slaps him on the back and pulls away, and Ben notices Finn, gives him a nod in greeting. Finn is a little confused as to why Ben is here, he never really hangs out with Ben without Rey being there, and it takes him a minute to remember the conversation he’d had with Rey just before the attack. Ben and Poe are… friends, he guesses, but something deeper too. There’s a bond there, and Ben must be here to see Poe, probably didn’t realise Finn would be here. Now he feels like he’s intruding, and wants to retreat elsewhere, but Ben speaks before he can.

“Rey’s trying to finish her thesis and she said I was distracting her. Figured you two could probably use a few home-cooked meals, so I brought ingredients, if that’s okay?” He’s looking hopeful, directing it at Finn as if he knows that Poe will agree to anything that means he doesn’t have to attempt cooking. He’s probably right, to be fair. Finn nods easily, says “sure, man, thanks” and steps back to let him in.

Ben sets himself up in the kitchen happily, and he’s chatting away to Poe before long. Finn watches them fondly, suddenly understanding a lot more about the relationship between them. They have inside jokes, and Poe teases Ben with an easy familiarity that only results in fond smiles instead of dirty looks like most people get. They move around each other fluidly, and for a moment Finn is almost jealous, but almost immediately he dispels the thought. Even if he wasn’t as sure of Poe’s devotion as he is, he’s seen Ben and Rey together and he knows Ben doesn’t have a single thought in his head for anyone else. So instead he watches as Ben starts chopping vegetables and Poe opens the fridge to grab beers for them both.

“Hey, where’s mine?” He interrupts them when he realises Poe only got out two beers.

“You’re not allowed to drink on your meds, cariño, I’m sorry.” Poe hands him a soda instead, and Finn tries to keep the pout off his lips but he catches Ben smirking at him anyway.

After a little while Poe drifts off to finish his marking, and Finn finds himself alone in the kitchen with Ben. It’s awkward for a minute, but then Ben heads for the fridge, pulls out a beer and uncaps it, and hands it to Finn. He presses a finger to his lips and winks at Finn, who can’t help but smile back. He watches Ben chop peppers and tomatoes, courgettes and aubergine, and start to make a ratatouille. He offers to help, but Ben shoots him a look that clearly says he isn’t going to accept that.

“You’re supposed to be recovering, not slaving away over a hot stove. Sit down and behave.” Ben is no nonsense, but he smirks the whole time, and Finn can’t help but appreciate the fact that he’s come over to cook for the two of them, clearly worried about them taking care of each other.

“You don’t have to cook for us you know, we could have handled it” He tells Ben, feeling almost bad as he watches him.

“Oh please, I’ve seen that man try to cook and it’s not pretty. But then I guess you’d know that” Ben replies, gesturing at the pan of incredibly burnt eggs that’s still sitting near the sink from this morning. Finn snorts, because Ben does sort of have a point.

“Yeah okay, but I can cook, and we can get takeaway, and Han sent over food I’m sure.”

“I’m sure he did, but you should be resting, and takeaway isn’t that healthy, and besides, do you really think I don’t know every one of Han’s recipes by heart, including the adjustments he doesn’t know Chewie makes?” Ben gives him an amused look, complete with an eyebrow raise that would be equally at home on Han’s face, and Finn can’t help but laugh. He swallows more of his beer, hoping he can finish it before Poe catches him, and then fetches his Spanish. He sits at the kitchen table and finishes his essay, chatting amicably with Ben as he cooks.

Within a couple of hours Ben has cooked them ratatouille, lasagne, a couple of spicy curries because he clearly knows Poe’s tastes, enchiladas, and two different pasta sauces. He parcels it all up in the fridge or the freezer, and then starts washing up. When Finn asks why he’s doing all this, he shrugs.

“I guess I worry about him sometimes. He doesn’t always take the best care of himself, and I knew he’d be too focused on caring for you to do even the most basic stuff for himself. Plus I was driving Rey crazy this afternoon, you know how she gets when she’s trying to focus.”

Finn laughs because he does know exactly how Rey gets. For someone who’s a whirlwind of chaotic energy most of the time, she needs absolute silence when she’s trying to work, and she can get a bit grumpy when she’s interrupted. He supposes it makes sense that Ben would try to get out of the house to let her work, and he really doesn’t mind the fact that they now have days’ worth of meals already prepared. He thanks Ben, trying to make it clear that he genuinely means it, and is a little surprised when Ben sighs and comes to sit opposite him.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you. I wanted to say…. Urgh. I wanted to say thank you. You got hurt protecting Rey, and I should have been there. I know she can take care of herself most of the time, but you were there when she couldn’t, and I dread to think what might have happened if you weren’t there. When I got there and saw you… I felt terrible. I should have been there quicker, that should never have happened to you. And it happened because you were looking after Rey. She’s my whole world Finn, and you stood up for her and I know you don’t need thanking because she’s your best friend and you’ve been doing it longer than I’ve been in her life but… thank you anyway”

He doesn’t meet Finn’s eyes the whole time he’s speaking, clearly a little embarrassed to be discussing this so openly, and Finn is a little surprised because he thinks it’s maybe the most he’s ever heard Ben say. Eventually, Ben looks up when Finn doesn’t respond, and it’s only then that Finn speaks.

“You’re right, you don’t have to thank me. I’m always going to have her back, she’s my sister. But I get what you’re saying, if that had been Poe… I get it.”

Ben nods, and goes back to the washing up. “How’s Poe doing anyway?” he throws over his shoulder. Finn feels sort of odd talking to Ben about Poe, now he knows what went down between the two of them. Now that he knows a bit more about Ben, knows more of what made him the way he is, and more about his relationship with Poe, he thinks it makes sense. It explains a few things, like why Ben is the first number on Poe’s speed dial, which he’d never understood before, or why Poe always spends time with Ben when they go over to Leia and Han’s for dinner.

“He’s okay. He’s so great”

Ben snorts, “Yeah, you two are getting along well then?”

“He’s the best. He’s so pretty. And so nice. And so good.”

“Is that right.” Ben’s smiling as he dries the dishes, clearly amused by Finn’s heart eyes. “I think he’s pretty crazy about you too. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him this happy with someone else. He never really talked about anyone else either.”

“And he talks about me?”

“Yeah he does. It’s cute.”

“What does he say?” Finn is really just fishing for compliments here, and his stomach is all soft and fluttery the way it always is when he thinks about Poe.

“You’ll have to ask him for yourself.” Ben is smirking again, and Finn wonders what Poe has been saying… he suspects he’ll find out if he asks, but he’s content to let Poe have his secrets for now. He lets it go, lets Ben finish washing dishes and go back to chatting about nonsense. It’s nice, he thinks, to spend time with Ben and get to know him a little more. He’s laughing at something Ben has said when his phone starts ringing. It’s nearly a missed call by the time he’s dug it out from under his notebook and textbook and all the sheets of his essay. Unsurprisingly, it’s Rey.

“You’re calling because you want your man back aren’t you?” He smiles at Ben’s flushed cheeks as he speaks to Rey, thinks it’s cute that they’re still so crazy about each other. He hopes he and Poe are still like this in a year, in two or three or ten.

By the time he’s finished talking to Rey, Ben is all finished in the kitchen, and has gone to say goodbye to Poe, ready to head back to his girlfriend. Poe follows him back into the kitchen, stands behind Finn with hands resting on his shoulders in such a domestic scene that Finn loses his mind a little bit. He’s not sure he’s ever going to get used to how natural it feels with Poe, how well he seems to fit into Poe’s life, and Poe into his. It’s intoxicating, and he loves it. He knows there’s still stuff they’ve got to deal with, but it feels like over the last few days they’ve made huge progress, and maybe he’s opened up a bit. He just hopes that Poe isn’t going to change his mind now he’s starting to learn all about the mess that is Finn’s life.

\---

A few days later Finn gets a call from Rose. Poe is in the shower, Finn can hear him singing to himself, and Finn is tidying up the kitchen from the mess they left it in the night before. He’s happy to hear from Rose, but he feels a moment of fear – what if the cops decided they didn’t believe Finn’s story after all? What if they can’t find the guys who did it? He pushes the thoughts down, tries to remind himself not to jump to conclusions, and picks up.

“Hey Rose, how are you doing?”

“Hey Finn, I’m good, coping. How are you healing? Up and running around yet?”

“I’m up and about, not sure about running just yet though. The doctors said the physio should have me sorted soon, but I’m still a bit shaky.”

“Well it seems like you’ve made an amazing recovery, I’m so happy for you. Now, as much as I adore talking to you, this isn’t just a social call. I have some news.”

Finn takes a deep breath, forces his shoulders to relax, and steels himself.

“Go on, tell me.”

“The police have arrested three men. They’ve charged all three with assault, one with felony assault with a deadly weapon.”

“They’ve got them” Finn feels like his legs are about to give out beneath him. He’s not sure he’s taken a breath in a while, and his hand is holding onto the kitchen counter as his knuckles turn pale.

“Yeah, Finn, they’ve got them. They’ll probably be out on bail within a few days, if they can raise the funds, but they’re being charged. We have a really strong case, really strong, and with witness statements from the bartender, from Rey, from Ben, and all the CCTV and the evidence of your injuries, I’d say it’s watertight. It’s a shame we couldn’t get the knife too, but the footage of him throwing it should be enough.”

“I… I don’t know what to say” Finn doesn’t even know what to think, honestly. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest, knowing that he’s been believed, that these men might well go to prison.

“That’s alright, it’s a lot to take in. The court date won’t be for a fair while yet, you know how it is, but I’ll be putting the case together before then, and we’ll be ready to go. I’d like to meet up a few more times before then to go over your statement, and to talk about whether or not you feel capable of taking the stand or not, those kinds of things”

Poe wanders in, hair still curling damply around his ears from his shower, humming, until he catches sight of Finn looking so freaked out, and suddenly he’s right there. Finn feels an arm rubbing at his back, and Poe’s face is in front of him, eyes searching Finn’s to try to figure out what’s going on. Finn mouths the words “They’ve arrested them” at Poe, and watches Poe’s eyes light up, his hand coming to squeeze Finn’s shoulders. His body heat is working wonders at calming Finn down, and he finally feels capable of relaxing enough to properly take part in the conversation with Rose.

“I, yeah, we can do that. Can… can Poe be there?”

“Yes! Of course! We’ll talk more soon, I just wanted to tell you the good news.” Finn thanks her and hangs up, and lets his body weight lean almost wholly onto Poe. It’s a relief, not having to be strong, having someone to lean on quite literally. Poe just holds him for a minute, lets Finn take it all in, doesn’t say anything, just rocks Finn soothingly. After a minute, when Finn feels ready, he straightens up and kisses Poe.

Their kisses are always wonderful, always make Finn’s brain implode a little bit. This one is full of comfort and reassurance, and it’s exactly what Finn needs to come back to himself properly. When they part, he shoots Poe a grin.

“They got them. I didn’t think they would… but they did.”

“I’m so happy precioso, so happy. Did Rose say anything about the trial?”

“She said she’d let us know when it is, but not for a while yet. And I have to decide if I want to take the stand.”

Poe looks worried at that, frowns slightly, and it brings out the crinkles by his eyes that Finn loves so much. “How do you feel about that?” he says, and it’s a valid question, but right now Finn doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m not sure yet. I’ll think about it. Right now I’m just happy”

“You should be, this is good news. You don’t have to work out any of that stuff just yet. How about we celebrate?”

“What are you thinking?”

“Well… I wondered if you wanted to go and get some food, and then I thought since you’re getting so much better, we could go pick up BeeBee?”

What Poe isn’t saying right there, but Finn knows, is that picking up BeeBee will involve meeting at least one of Poe’s best friends. Maybe two if Snap and Jess are both home. He’s filled with nerves at the thought, but really, he’s thrilled. Poe wanting him to meet his friends is a big deal, he knows they mean a lot to him, and it means being with Finn is something Poe takes seriously. He finds himself beaming at Poe, nodding and kissing him again, feeling treasured and loved.


	16. These boys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No real content warnings, a little bit of smut but it's all very gentle and happy.
> 
> Writer's block is a bitch and it's really slowing me down here. We're winding up to the end I think, just a few loose ends and then the big bang (ha!) to get to. Once the main story is finished I'll probably write a few oneshots to go with it - from Ben's perspective, from Leia/Han's, we're definitely gonna get some Maz and Chewie eventually and you're crazy if you think I'm not writing something for my boy Wedge. I'd also like to do something for Mando and the kid, because I love them. That's all further down the line though, once this main story is wrapped up!
> 
> As ever, let me know what you think!

Snap has barely opened the door before there’s a scrabbling of tiny paws on the floor, and a ginger-and-white fluffball has barreled straight into Poe’s shins. It’s probably the only thing that could convince him to let go of Finn, but it works, and he’s quickly crouching down to pick up his baby.

“Hey gorgeous girl, how are you? Was Uncle Snap good to you? Did you miss Daddy, did you?” His baby talk is probably too much but he doesn’t care because he hasn’t seen his dog in a few days. He can feel Finn’s eyes on him, but when he turns to look at him Finn looks almost… huh, if he didn’t know better he’d almost think Finn was… yep, Finn is now turning away, refusing to make eye contact, looking embarrassed and almost turned on. At this rate he can’t help but think that he and Finn need to have a conversation about kinks… not right now though, right now he needs to focus on things that are not his boyfriend’s newfound sexual desires.

“Hey Snap! This is-“

“Finn, at last! I was starting to think you were embarrassed of us Dameron, nice of you to finally bring him round here.” Snap is smiling broadly, leaning forward to take Finn’s hand in both of his and then pat him soundly on the shoulder. Finn jolts under the force of the pat, but Poe knows Snap is actually trying to be gentle with Finn because of his injuries. Finn is smiling back, clearly nervous but he seems to realise Snap is nothing but warmth and smiles because he’s not tucking himself into Poe’s side for reassurance. Poe eventually puts BeeBee down and they head inside, Poe and Finn trying not to trip over an overexcited pup who won’t stop darting around their feet.

Jess is waiting in the kitchen, and she folds first Poe then Finn into long hugs, being careful with Finn’s back in a way that makes Poe smile. She and Snap fix them all coffees and teas and they sit in the lounge, chatting casually. Jess asks Finn all about his job at Resistance, about why he decided to leave grad school, about whether he’s sick of Poe yet. Poe is happy to hear Finn laugh at the very suggestion, and he knows that Jess is warming to him straight away. He can’t really blame her, Finn is so incredibly charming, largely because he doesn’t mean to be. He’s humble and he listens more than he talks, but he’s quietly confident and he always asks interested questions, as if he can’t imagine anything better than hearing Snap waffle on abut their plans for the extension. Poe can’t help but grin at the sight of them, three of his favourite people in the world getting on so well, laughing and joking and of course, ganging up to make fun of him. They tease him about his overprotective tendencies when he won’t let Finn accept a beer from Snap, and about the fact that he keeps both BeeBee and Finn in his sights at all time. He doesn’t mind being teased so much when it makes Finn’s eyes light up, when it means he gets to hear Finn’s deep chuckle.

Hours pass quickly, and Jess and Snap seem ready to adopt Finn into the little group immediately. They ask if Poe and Finn want to stay for dinner, and Poe turns to Finn to see how he feels about that. Finn’s eyes are wide and hopeful, and Poe has never been any good at refusing a pretty face, so he acquiesces straight away. Finn squeezes his hand in thanks, and then gets dragged off by Snap to the kitchen – Snap is apparently excited to have someone else who can at least pretend to cook, after dealing with years of Jess and Poe’s ineptitude. That leaves Jess giving Poe a knowing look, one full of mirth, which means she about to mock him.

“So, planning the wedding yet?” There it is, just like he thought.

“No, no I’m not. Would you blame me if I was though?”

Jess snorts, shakes her head and checks to make sure Finn (and Snap) is out of earshot. “Poe Dameron, if you don’t lock that shit down, you’re crazy. He’s gorgeous, and so sweet… what the hell is doing with your sorry ass?”

“I have no idea Testor, no idea whatsoever. I’m not complaining though.”

“No, I can understand why. His shoulders….they’re just….”

Poe sighs lovingly, “Yeah, they are, aren’t they?” Jess is laughing at him, he knows that, but he couldn’t care less because he is completely head over heels for Finn.

“How much does he know about… your past?”

“Everything, pretty much.”

“He’s seen the scars?”

“Yeah, the other day. He… he said they didn’t change a damn thing.” Poe’s voice is sort of dazed, and he watches Jess’ expression soften as he speaks.

“I told you so. I like him. He’s good for you. You’re smiling more.”

“Yeah, he’s great. Everything is just better with him there. I feel like I can breathe again.”

“I’m so happy Poe, I really am. Doesn’t mean I’m not going to make fun of you cradle snatching though”

“It’s not cradle snatching! He’s twenty-five!”

“Thirteen years difference, he’s a baby next to you, and you’re a corrupting influence!” She’s laughing, but Poe goes bright red at the comment and suddenly she’s gasping and pouncing on him.

“What does that mean? Spill the tea Dameron, are you corrupting him?”

“We haven’t… done that yet. He’s never… and I don’t want to push….”

“Oh wow, you really are corrupting him. Poor boy doesn’t know what he’s letting himself in for.” It’s easy to joke with Jess, but honestly Poe isn’t sure it’s Finn who’s going to be ruined in this relationship. He’s also not sure he cares.

By the time Snap has got the grill started and has begun churning out burgers and potato salad and garlic bread and corn and everything else he’s deemed “essential”, Finn is part of the family. Jess snuck off at one point and about half an hour later Mando turned up, clearly told he had to be there or else. He must have left the kid with a babysitter or something, and Poe can’t help but feel that they’ve all made a lot of effort to be here for him, to meet Finn. It makes him remember why exactly these are his best friends.

Of course, Mando is quiet as ever, ubiquitous sunglasses on as he sips a beer, but he and Finn seemed to have formed an immediate bond. Poe almost did a double take to see Mando laughing raucously at something Finn said: Mando usually takes months to warm up to someone, he’d never even smiled at Muran once in the year or so Poe had dated him. He’d once seen Mando leave a bar entirely because someone tried to steal his sunglasses. And right now? He’s got one hand on Finn’s shoulder, the other holding his beer in front of his mouth as he laughs loudly. Poe shares a look of disbelief with Snap and Jess, before Snap just shrugs and raises his beer as if to say “you did alright buddy”. Poe’ll take it.

By the time they’re in Poe’s car ready to go home, Finn is smiling constantly. He’s chattering away to Poe about things the others had said, and Poe can do nothing but nod along and reach over for Finn’s hand as they drive home. It seems like Finn had taken to Poe’s friends easily, like he belonged in the group. Poe already believed he and Finn work together, but seeing how well Finn had slotted into his friendship group, usually so wary of outsiders, has confirmed it for him. If his best friends approve, if Ben approves, if Leia approves, well, that’s good enough for him. Finn is the real deal, no turning back now, even if he wanted to. He thinks Finn is probably relieved that Poe’s friends had accepted him, because lord knows Finn doesn’t have that many friends. He has Rey, and that’s a relationship that goes well past a simple friendship, but Finn clearly struggles in groups, and with new people. But tonight, he’d fitted right in, and that’s made him giddy, which in turn makes Poe feel endlessly fond.

When they get back it’s not late, so they settle on the sofa to watch a movie. It’s Saturday, and tomorrow is the last day before Poe is supposed to go back to work. Finn has another week off, mandated firmly by Leia when she rang yesterday, but Amilyn has insisted she can’t teach any more of Poe’s classes without his students suffering, so he’s going back. He’s not really worried about Finn, because he’s healing incredibly well and Poe knows that Rey will probably check in multiple times a day, but he is sad to leave this little bubble of domestic bliss they’ve created.

He doesn’t realise he’s staring at Finn until Finn pauses the movie and turns to face him. He’s got an expectant look on his face, clearly waiting for Poe to explain, but Poe isn’t sure he’s got words for all the things he feels about Finn, so instead he just pulls Finn towards him and kisses him senseless. He wraps arms round Finn’s impossibly strong shoulders, pulls him as close as he can get him. Finn scrambles up onto the sofa, crawling over him until his thick thighs are straddling Poe’s waist and the sight makes Poe release a guttural moan. Before he knows what he’s doing, he’s pushing Finn to sit up, following him up and then tugging his own t-shirt over his head.

It’s almost surreal, after years of covering up his scars, of panicking when people brush up against him, that he can do this in front of Finn. But somehow, it’s different, because Finn’s eyes are sweeping his torso and there’s nothing but heat there. Finn’s still licking his lips, still lowers his head to kiss wetly across Poe’s collarbone and whines when Poe’s hips buck up into his. It’s Finn, and that makes all the difference.

Before long, he’s got Finn’s top off as well, their chests pressed together as they kiss deeply. Poe licks across Finn’s bottom lip until he’s granted access, not even realising how desperately he’s rocking against Finn or how greedily he’s claiming his mouth until he has to come up for air. Finn is panting but Poe doesn’t care, doesn’t want to stop or slow down or pause even for a second, so he starts to kiss down Finn’s neck. He leaves gentle bites and purple marks where he’s sucked a little too hard, and he feels a roar of possessive emotion in his chest at the sight of Finn all marked up. He pulls away for a second, grabs Finn’s chin in one hand while the other holds his hips still because if Finn keeps rocking like that he’s going to lose all semblance of coherent thought.

“Wanna try something, okay? Can I baby? Tesoro?”

“Yeah, anything, Poe, anything” Finn is biting his lip, clearly nervous but trusting Poe to take care of him, and god isn’t that a rush. The power and trust he’s giving to Poe is incredible, and Poe feels high with it.

He gets out of his head long enough to open Finn’s jeans and then he’s own, and then there’s a moment or five of awkward shuffling and readjusting until they’re both bare, and Finn is just gorgeous. He’s diamond hard, leaking pre-cum desperately as he bucks his hips into Poe’s hand. Thick and hard and, God, Poe hasn’t ridden a dick in the best part of three years but he feels the desperate urge right now, to just flip Finn over and sink down on his perfect cock, ride him until he’s writhing and squirming and begging to cum. He takes a deep breath instead, saves the mental picture for another time, when Finn doesn’t have a tender back, when Finn feels more confident and Poe has a comfortable bed under his aching joints and a condom to hand and the patience to stretch himself because he’s very definitely going to need it. Doesn’t mean he can’t tell Finn what he’s thinking about.

“God, look at you. Hard and leaking for me precioso, so gorgeous, so good.” Finn’s whole body shudders, and Poe puts a big old tick in the little mental box next to ‘praise kink’. “Such a pretty cock. One day soon I’m gonna ride this cock, you know? Yeah baby, gonna make you feel so good, till you’re seeing stars, gonna ride you and make you cum so hard.” Finn releases a whine from deep in his throat, and he’s staring at Poe with shock and utter want, looking so utterly absorbed. Poe can’t resist kissing him again, and luckily he doesn’t have to.

Mid-kiss, he manages to line them up just right, and then he gets a hand around them both, pushes them up against Finn’s perfect belly, so warm and soft but hard underneath with muscles that are tensing rhythmically, like Finn can’t quite control it right now. He lets their foreheads rest together, a mirror of far sweeter, more innocent gestures they’ve made a thousand times, now just a way for him to run his mouth and watch Finn come apart at the same time. He uses his other hand to encourage Finn to rock his hips again, grinding so filthily together until Finn’s moans are coming quick and loud, unstoppable noises bubbling up as he chases pleasure he’s never felt before. His eyes are glazed and unfocussed, flicking from Poe’s face to the sight of their cocks rubbing slickly across each other, and Poe cannot stop talking.

“So perfect mi amor, Finn, god you’re so good. Feel so good against me baby, can’t wait to get inside you. Yeah? You want that?” Finn looks almost scared his eyes are so wide, but he nods earnestly and whimpers as Poe squeezes mercilessly, pushing them both higher and higher.

“Finn, fuck, so good, look at me. Look at me Tesoro.” Finn does, finally, eyes flickering shut every other stroke when the pleasure gets to be too much. “I want you to cum for me. Can you do that baby, can you?”

Again, he’s nodding rapidly, so open and trusting and gorgeous, and Poe isn’t going to last much longer if Finn keeps those perfect eyes on him, needs Finn to cum sooner rather than later, needs Finn to cum first.

Finn starts to whimper again, high and desperate, grinding harder into Poe and mumbling something. It takes Poe a second to hear it, before he realises that Finn is chanting his name.

“Yeah, that good? You ready to cum for me Finn?” And just like that, Finn is spilling over his hand, over their cocks, over their stomachs, with a deep moan so different from the rest of his desperate noises. His eyes are screwed shut, his mouth slack and open as he rocks and trembles through the aftershocks, and he’s barely stopped saying Poe’s name. That’s enough for Poe, who follows him over the edge, bucking his hips erratically and biting his lip as he soars through an orgasm that has scrambled his brains and turned his legs to jelly.

When they surface properly, Finn is tucked into Poe’s chest, head under Poe’s chin, completely uncaring of the stickiness sandwiched between them. Their breathing returns to normal slowly, but Poe’s too busy running gentle hands up Finn’s arms and pressing kisses to his hair to care. Finn nuzzles into Poe’s bare chest, burrowing into the hair there and humming contentedly. Poe thinks again that life with Finn is something new entirely. Easier, happier, better, in every way he can think of.

BeeBee, curled up in her bed on the other side of the room, looks decidedly less happy about this development, but she just huffs and settles down to sleep, clearly having had enough of her two humans and their displays of affection.

\---

They spend a lazy Sunday together, but Monday is inevitable and dawns bright and early, much to Poe’s distaste. Since his “time abroad” as he sometimes calls it, he’s always been an early riser, usually just waiting for any excuse to get out of the bed and escape the nightmares that have plagued him. But lately he sleeps soundly, maybe not all the way through, but even when he’s woken, he can drift back off fairly quickly, because there’s someone else in the bed. Finn’s presence is like a balm to his frayed nerves, and feeling Finn’s heat at his back is the perfect antidote to the confusion and panic he wakes from sometimes. Finn is a light sleeper mostly, probably from a lifetime of shared dorms and barracks and tents, and he’s always there to run his hands through Poe’s hair and comfort him until his eyes won’t stay open and his brain will stop screaming at him. It’s nice, soothing, and it is one of Poe’s favourite parts of their relationship. It’s been less than a week of nights with Finn in his bed and he already knows he could never imagine going back to a time before this. He’s worried what will happen when Finn is better, when he doesn’t need Poe’s care or his attention as much, and wants his own space again. But he hasn’t brought it up yet, and so neither has Poe, hoping to delay the inevitable.

Poe basks in the morning light and Finn’s steady breathing against his neck for just a few more minutes, but he knows he needs to get up or risk being late for his first class back. Eventually he summons the will to move, but is stopped pretty much immediately by the arm that’s wrapped securely around his waist. Finn is spooned up behind him, and he’s clearly beginning to wake up because he’s rocking his hips into Poe’s backside and that is just not fair.

“That’s cruel, and you know it” Poe manages to stutter out.

“Yeah,” comes the sleepy reply, “But that doesn’t mean you’re not enjoying it just as much as I am” Well he does have a point there.

“Tesoro I have to get up. I don’t want to, but I need to”

There’s silence for a second, broken only by the hitch in Poe’s breath after a particularly insistent thrust. And then, “Shower?”

“What?”

“Can I join you in the shower?” Finn’s voice is slightly less confident the second time he says it, as if he mistakes Poe’s foggy-headedness for hesitation, and that just won’t do.

“Goddamnit, yeah you absolutely can, come on” Poe’s hauling them both up and into the steady stream of water before Finn can blink. It’s a good way to start the morning, the week, and Poe is whistling by the time he makes it onto campus, upbeat in the way only a sated man can be on a Monday morning.


	17. Empanadas are my love language

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW, this is pure fluff everyone!
> 
> It's a little short, and I'm sorry for the wait, however: I think I've broken my writer's block! This is the last chronological chapter I think, and from here on out it'll be little vignettes of their life, with timeskips in between so I get to show you the good stuff. 
> 
> As you can probably tell from this whole fic, cooking for someone is how I show love, and so my characters are the same! Spanish translations are at the bottom!
> 
> I wrote another little StormPilot piece the other day, A Poe Dameron Mother Hen Moment, which you should go read if you love these two! It's set in the same universe as the gorgeous @wherehaveyouben 's She Doesn't Normally Bite (which you should read if you like Reylo!) and I personally really enjoyed it.
> 
> Anyway folks, you know the drill - tell me what you think!

Poe makes it through his first and second lectures before he realises he’s left his phone at home. He curses, and debates if he’s got time to go home and get it before his department meeting at 1. When he works out that he’d have to choose between lunch and his phone, and that Finn would scold him for skipping food, he decides he’ll just have to suck it up. He’d never usually be that bothered, but he wanted to check in on Finn. Obviously, Finn will be totally fine, he’s a grown adult and more than capable of looking after himself for the day, but it’s the first day Poe has left him on his own since he came home from the hospital. He wants to know if Finn has taken his meds. If he’s taking it easy. If he’s getting annoyed by BeeBee’s constant snuggling. But instead, he grades papers on his lunch break and gets to the meeting five minutes early, to be greeted by a smiling but tired looking Amilyn. She seems pleasantly surprised that he’s made it early, which he begrudgingly admits to himself is probably fair given that he’s usually last in and first out of these things. He thanks her for taking his classes, and settles into a seat about half way back, hoping he can just get through this, and then it’s only an office hour and a quick lecture before he can get home to Finn. And isn’t that something, but it’s not even home, it’s home to Finn. It wouldn’t feel like home without Finn anymore.

If Poe spends most of the meeting daydreaming about Finn, or plotting ways to persuade him to stay even once he’s better, well Amilyn never has to know.

\---

Finn spends a lot of the morning on the sofa, cuddled up to BeeBee and watching the trashy home renovation shows that Poe hates but Finn secretly loves. He misses Poe already, even though it’s only been a couple of hours since he left, but in a way it’s nice to have time to himself. As long as it’s not too much and he’ll get Poe’s company again this evening. It strikes Finn that he’s gotten very accustomed to having Poe around, to being in Poe’s space, to sharing every moment with someone else. It’s going to be awful when he has to move back into his lonely apartment. Utterly miserable, an empty space completely devoid of Poe’s laughter, Poe’s quiet snoring when he lies on his back, Poe’s horrific attempts to feed them both… Poe. Instead, it’ll be just Finn again, like always. He’s being melodramatic, he tells himself, he’ll still have Poe, and he can still come over and spend time with him, and maybe spend the night now they’ve crossed that bridge. It won’t really change that much.

Finn broods on this a little longer, not really noticing the passage of time, until he hears the phone ringing. At first, he’s confused because he knows his phone is on the table in front of him, and it’s quiet. Then he recognises Poe’s ringtone and realises that he must have left it here. He quickly scrambles up and starts searching for it, desperately trying to get to it before it becomes a missed call, in case it’s something important. He finally finds it on their nightstand, and he’s so caught up in wondering when he started calling it _their_ nightstand that he doesn’t even look at who’s calling before he picks it up. He puts it to his ear and is promptly greeted by a rapid-fire barrage of Spanish, spoken by a gruff voice that almost sounds angry, but not quite.

“Poe! ¡Mijo tú necesitas llamarme tal vez! Nunca, nunca, tu nunca me llamas, y no se que tu hagas bien! Es ridículo Poe, me preocupo para ti, y tú sabes que no sea justo, ¡no puedo preocuparme con eso!”

Finn’s first thought is that Poe’s “crash course in Latin American cinema” has really paid off, because he actually understood all that. His second thought is more along the lines of _oh shit, this is Kes Dameron, isn’t it?_ His third thought is that Kes is probably wondering why the hell Poe hasn’t said anything.

“Hola señor Dameron, es Finn. Poe olvidé su teléfono hoy día pero puedo darle un mensaje?” God he’s probably embarrassed himself really badly by attempting to speak Spanish to an actual Guatemalan, and Kes is going to have a terrible first impression of him and-

“Finn! Oh, dios mio, you speak Spanish? Poe never tells me anything!” Or maybe not.

“Er, I’m learning, but I’m not very good yet, sorry if-“

“Nonsense! You’re doing great! When did you start learning?”

“About two and a bit months ago, before the attack, and I got a bit-“

“Attack?! What?! Finn is Poe okay? Are you okay? What’s going on?” Apparently Poe really doesn’t call his dad enough.

“Oh… I guess Poe never told you. Erm, well, about five weeks ago I got stabbed outside a bar. Some guys were attacking my friend Rey and we fought, and then I got stabbed in the back and the stomach. I’m fine though, I got out of the hospital two weeks ago and I’ve, um, I’ve been staying with Poe till I’m back on my feet.”

For the first time since the conversation started, Kes lets Finn finish his sentence, and there’s a silence that stretches between them when he does. When Kes speaks again, Finn is surprised by what he says.

“Oh mijo I’m so sorry, that’s… god, Finn, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re alright. Is Poe taking care of you? God knows that boy can barely care for himself, how is he managing the both of you… I should come help, shouldn’t I? It’d be better for you both.”

Finn is filled with a sudden rush of warmth for this man he’s never actually met, only seen in Poe’s photos, never spoken to before today. He’s almost overwhelmed that Poe’s dad wants to come and help out, to look after him (and Poe, admittedly). He’s barely used to this kind of sentiment coming from Poe, or Leia, only Rey has ever really been like this and now… his life seems to be quickly filling up with people who treat him like he’s worth more than a passing glance, and it’s starting to make him believe that maybe they’re onto something. That said, he can’t have Poe’s poor dad driving across the country to come and care for him, and he’s mostly better anyway.

“Señor Dameron, thank you so much, but I promise we’re okay. I’m mostly better now, I actually go back to work next week and Poe went back today. I haven’t been letting him cook, I promise.”

Kes laughs at that, and it makes Finn smile, he feels almost proud and doesn’t have time to analyse that any further.

“Mijo, call me Kes. It sounds like you’ve been keeping my son in check. Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

“Thank you seño- Kes. We’re okay, really. Ben came over and cooked a bunch of meals for us and we’ve still got some of those frozen, but Poe has finally been letting me cook again. I guess his desire for edible food outweighed his concern.”

“Ah, you can cook! Good good, Poe needs someone to make him eat. Has he got you making him pepián and empanadas yet?”

“No, he’s never mentioned those… what are they?” Finn finds that Kes is easy to talk to – full of warmth and jokes, always asking questions about Finn like he really cares about the answers. They talk for nearly an hour, and by the time they hang up, Finn has formed a plan. With Kes’ help, he’s got a strategy that he hopes is going to show Poe how grateful he is for taking care of him. First though, he needs to go shopping.

\---

When Poe finally gets home after a torturous day of not knowing how Finn is doing, he opens the door and is hit immediately by a delicious smell. If he didn’t know better, he’d say it smelled like his dad’s cooking. He guesses that Finn has used his absence to cook up a storm in the kitchen, and whilst he’d rather Finn didn’t push himself; he figures this is a fairly safe way for him to keep himself busy. He slides his shoes off, gives BeeBee a quick scritch and drops his bag by the door, preoccupied with finding his boyfriend and the source of that wonderful smell. He discovers Finn in the kitchen, as expected, wearing an apron Poe didn’t even know he owned, and stirring a pot on the stove. He yelps when Poe’s arms wind around his waist, but recovers quickly once he realises who it is. Poe nuzzles into his neck, presses sloppy kisses there and basks in the feeling of having Finn back in his arms.

“I missed you cariño”

“Missed you too Poe. Glad you’re home” Finn leans back against him, seems just as happy to see Poe as Poe is to see him, and that’s an ego boost if ever there was one. Poe finally pulls away just long enough to pour himself a glass of wine and to fetch Finn a beer (the alcohol ban ended last Tuesday, after a rather heated discussion that Finn won purely by virtue of sticking his hand down Poe’s jeans at a crucial moment). When he returns, he presses kisses to Finn’s waiting mouth, and thinks that he wouldn’t mind going to work so much if he came home to this every day. Seeing Finn all casual and domestic, cooking in his kitchen, really does it for him. It feels right, like this is how it’s supposed to be. Poe tries not to dwell on that because he knows Finn is going home in a few days.

“So, you’ve been cooking”

“Yeah. It’s nearly ready. Go wash up and I’ll serve.”

Poe follows orders, his tummy is already grumbling so he doesn’t want to delay dinner any further, and Finn looks really excited about whatever it is he’s made. He washes up, changes into his sweatpants and heads back to find Finn putting two plates on the table, where there are already two bowls. When he sees what’s on the plates, what’s in the bowls, his breath catches.

“Baby, is that… did you make me empanadas? Pepián? Oh my god Finn did you make Guatemalan food?”

Finn’s smile lights up his whole face, and he bites his bottom lip nervously as he nods. Poe is dumbstruck, honestly, because this is so amazing. These are his two favourite foods, but he’s never told Finn that. He’s just… guessed? He sits down to eat, too excited to wait any longer, and he’s already tucking in even though it’s too hot and his mouth gets burned.

When the first taste hits his tongue, he groans in a way that probably doesn’t sound appropriate for the dinner table. It’s incredible, the spices are perfect, the squash and the meat are so tender, it’s exactly like his dad would make it. He blinks up at Finn in wonder, spooning more into his mouth quickly as if it’s going to disappear from his plate if he doesn’t eat it immediately.

Finn chooses that moment to say, “So you left your phone at home today. And someone called. For you. I answered.”

Poe is a little confused, and he’s lucky his eyebrows express it because it wouldn’t be polite to speak around the huge mouthful of empanada he just took.

“Yeah. Your dad called.” At this, Poe starts to sputter and choke. Finn starts chuckling at his surprise, and pats him on the back until he recovers and takes a sip of his wine.

“My dad called? You spoke to my dad?”

“Yep. He says you need to call him more, says you make him worry.” Okay yeah, that does sound like Kes alright.

“And…what did you say?”

“We chatted. It was nice actually. He was very…. Helpful.”

Oh. Suddenly it all makes sense. This _is_ his dad’s cooking. Sort of.

“He taught you how to cook Guatemalan food from the other side of the country didn’t he?”

“Yes he did. Said this was your favourite. He offered to come make it himself at first, but I thought you might have a heart attack at an impromptu visit given that you haven’t called the man in nearly two months.” Finn’s disapproving expression tells Poe that he’s going to be getting far more grief for not calling from now on, and not just from his dad.

“So… you sort of met my dad…” He’s nervous, he realises. He desperately wants his dad to approve of Finn, and he’s worried that he won’t, for whatever reason. He’s younger, he’s a drop out technically, he’s any number of things that Poe worries his dad might disapprove of. But the fact that Kes had taught Finn his secret recipe for guacamole (which is unmistakeable and utterly delicious, and really should have been a give away from the first bite), that suggests that maybe Kes doesn’t disapprove at all. He really wishes he’d been able to hear them talking.

“Yeah, he’s nice. I like him. He seemed to like me, I think.”

“Finn, he’s never taught anyone else how to make guacamole like this, and Jess offered to pay him. My guess is that he likes you quite a bit.”

Finn’s answering smile is bright, and makes Poe’s heart flutter in his chest. He loves this man more than anything in the whole world. What kind of angel charms his dad into teaching him how to make Poe’s favourite food in the whole world? Finn is just too good for words and Poe is once again reminded how lucky he is to have him. The thoughts of Finn’s cooking and Finn’s smile and Finn and his dad getting on have Poe tongue tied, and that’s probably why he doesn’t think before he’s opened his mouth and said it.

“Move in with me.”

There’s a moment of complete and total silence in which Finn and Poe stare at each other with wide eyes which blink far more than usual. Poe immediately starts cursing himself and his impulsiveness and his stupid ideas and everything else he can think of because he bets that Finn is freaking out right now. He didn’t mean to pressure him, to make him think he has to commit so much so quickly, and god what was he thinking, Finn is twenty-five, he doesn’t want to be trapped in this stupid apartment with a boyfriend who has nightmares and panic attacks and can’t take the elevator. He’s spiralling, quickly, when Finn manages to get past his shock and lunges across the table to kiss him.

It’s a good kiss, hot and desperate and over too quickly for Poe’s taste, but it leaves him with fewer unpleasant thoughts and many more pleasant ones. When he recovers, Finn is beaming at him.

“Yes.”

“What?”

“Yes, Poe, yes I’ll move in with you.”

“I feel like I must be hearing things because there’s no way you just agreed to…”

“Nope, I agreed. I’m moving in. You’re not getting out of this one.” Poe can’t help but laugh, his chest feels full of butterflies but he’s not sure he ever wants that to change. Finn is moving in! Perhaps being impulsive isn’t the worst thing in the world.

The rest of the evening is spent devouring more empanadas than two people should strictly be able to eat, and watching more of How to Get Away with Murder because they’d only been halfway through season four before Finn’s hospital stay. It’s a perfect evening, as far as Poe’s concerned, and it’s only improved by the voicemail he finds when he goes to check his phone before bed.

“Mijo, it’s your papa. I spoke to Finn today. Poe, if you let that boy get away from you, I swear I will come and smack your head myself. He’s learning Spanish! He cooks! You’ll have to tell me how his empanadas are, and don’t you dare let him do the washing up. He’s earned an evening off. I cannot believe you didn’t tell me he’d been attacked. You need to call more often. But I have Finn’s number now, so I’ll get updates from him if you’re not calling. I’m coming to visit you both soon, I want to meet him. He sounds brilliant. Don’t you let him go mijo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Spanish is incredibly rusty so excuse any mistakes!
> 
> “Poe! ¡Mijo tú necesitas llamarme tal vez! Nunca, nunca, tu nunca me llamas, y no se que tu hagas bien! Es ridículo Poe, me preocupo para ti, y tú sabes que no sea justo, ¡no puedo preocuparme con eso!”  
> Poe! Son you need to call me sometimes! Never, never, you never call, and I don't know if you're alright! It's ridiculous Poe, I worry about you and you know that it's not fair, I can't worry like this!
> 
> “Hola señor Dameron, es Finn. Poe olvidé su teléfono hoy día pero puedo darle un mensaje?”  
> Hi Mr Dameron, it's Finn. Poe forgot his phone today but I can give him a message?


	18. Opening Doors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No TW for this, it's all fluff and love and new possibilities. 
> 
> Sorry this took me so long! I am useless and ashamed, but hey, it's here! And I'm hoping I'll be posting more frequently over the next few weeks, but we'll see.
> 
> Enjoy, and let me know what you think! Your comments are honestly giving me life!

Finn’s first day back at work is… surprising, to say the least. He was nervous, worried that he’d have forgotten people’s names, that he’d have fallen behind on everything that was going on, wouldn’t be able to pick it all back up. Instead, he’d arrived to be greeted by a huge “Welcome back Finn” banner over his desk, and a round of hugs and greetings that made him smile so wide his cheeks hurt. Even Statura gave him a pat on the shoulder and something that could generously be described as a smile, which was quite frankly astonishing. He got stuck straight back into his work, overjoyed to be doing something that mattered again, rather than sitting around on Poe’s sofa. _Their_ sofa, now. That was going to take some getting used to.

He got through three cases, setting up initial meetings and making case notes and speaking to family members on the phone. He decided he’d earned a coffee break and was just planning to head to the break room when a shadow fell over his desk, and he looked up to find Leia standing over him.

“Good to see you back Finn. Do you have time for a quick break?”

“Of course, General”

She led him back to her office, got him settled into the chair opposite her desk while Kaydel brought them coffee and biscuits. Leia was giving him a searching look, and he was wondering what exactly she was thinking, when she began to speak.

“I’m glad you’ve made a full recovery. We were very worried about you for a while there.”

“You and me both, ma’am.”

“Finn I won’t tell you again, don’t call me ma’am.”

“Yes, Leia. Sorry. Force of habit.”

“You’re as bad as Poe”

“I think I’m going to take that as a compliment”

“I thought you might. How is he?”

“He’s good. We uh… He asked me to move in.”

“And I take it you said yes?”

Finn catches the smirk on Leia’s face, but he can’t quite bring himself to mind. He nods, and the smirk grows.

“Good for you. I like you together. Do you know, I’d been trying to find a way to put the two of you together for months? I do like to be proved right.”

“Why?”

“Why did I want to set you up? Because I thought you suited each other. Because I like it when the people I care about are happy. You are happy, aren’t you?”

“Very.”

“Well that’s alright then. Now, on to business. I’ve been thinking. About you. About what you might want to do, permanently. You’re very good at this, and I love having you around. But I can’t help feeling you could do more, be more. And I had a thought.”

“You did?”

“You get on with Rose don’t you?”

“She’s great.” Finn doesn’t quite understand the subject change, but he’s happy to go along with it.

“And you two have been discussing cases, I believe?”

“Well, a little. She talked me through my case and I just… it’s interesting, you know? Seeing the other half of what I do.”

“Yes. She said you’d been asking questions. I had a little chat with Ackbar, too.”

Again, Finn is confused, but it’s Leia and he knows she’s having fun piquing his curiosity so he lets her do it. She’ll get to the point eventually.

“We’re always looking for lawyers. There’s no end of cases to take on, and since we do it pro-bono most of the bigshots don’t look twice at us, they go straight for the firms that will make them money. It’s taken me quite a while to build up such a good team, and I know Gial’s very proud of them, but they’re run off their feet.”

“Right…?” Finn is really lost now, but Leia looks more amused than ever.

“So a little while ago we had an idea, why not put people with potential through law school? We had the money, thanks to Lando’s generous donation, and we set up a scheme. We pay for law school, in return for a few years work at the end of it, and if people choose to stay on, well then they get paid the same as everyone else. The scheme’s been working great for years now, that’s how we got Rose. Best damn lawyer on the payroll, and I do love watching her in the courtroom. Plus this way we can give choices to kids who can’t usually afford school, and it all works out in the end.”

Faint alarm bells are going off in the back of Finn’s mind, and he thinks he knows where this is going, but he’s not quite sure he wants to say that, make the assumption, and suffer the embarrassment of being wrong. Instead he stays quiet, and frowns at Leia as he tries to figure out if she’s about to say what he thinks she’s about to say.

“You’ve got potential Finn. We’d like to offer you a place on the scheme. Pick a decent school, and we’ll fund you.”

“Me? You want to fund me through law school? Me? A lawyer?”

Leia’s smirk is in full force now, her mouth twisted in amusement, but there’s a hard glint in her eyes like she knows what she wants and she’s determined to get it. Finn doesn’t doubt for a second that she will, he’s just not convinced he is really the right man for the job.

“Yes, you. You’ve done great work on the bail project, and Rose says you’ve got a knack for finding holes in other people’s arguments. Ackbar has been impressed by what he’s seen of your work, and you know I have been too. Not to mention you’re reliable, you’re quick, you’re exactly the kind of candidate we’re looking for. And I suppose I’m not ready to see you go off and find a job elsewhere.”

Finn blinks at Leia. He opens his mouth to respond. Closes it. Opens it again. Blinks some more.

“Hang on, you’re sure? Me?”

“Finn, please don’t proceed with the goldfish impersonation, it’s unbecoming. You. We would like to offer you a place on the programme, if you want it. You’ve got a week to decide. Go home this evening, talk it over with Poe, work out if it’s something you’d like to do. Let me know.”

“Yes ma- I mean, yes, Leia.”

“Better. Now, out of my office, break time is over and I have things to do. I’m very important you know.”

Finn chuckles and beats a hasty retreat, leaving Leia to what looks like a stack of paperwork to rival the one on his own desk. His mind is buzzing, full of possibilities and what-ifs and questions. He’s excited by what Leia’s offered, but he’s still so taken aback he’s not sure he’s processing properly.

The rest of the day goes by in a haze, but he thinks he does his cases justice, catches up on the backlog, and by the time it’s the end of the day, he’s more than ready to go home to Poe.

\---

Poe is on the phone when Finn gets home. He takes the offered cheek kiss, and winks a hello back, squeezing Finn’s waist while he carries on talking. He knows Finn will work out that it’s Kes on the phone, because Poe rarely speaks this mix of Spanish and English with anyone else. He loves that Finn can understand pretty much all of it now, his Spanish coming on more quickly than Poe thought possible. Every time he sees Finn working diligently to learn his language his heart fills with warmth because he knows it’s got more than a little to do with wanting to be closer to Poe, to make a good impression on Kes. Not that Finn needs to worry, Kes thinks he’s brilliant. Every time Poe calls, which is more often now Finn knows he needs to be prompted, his dad spends a good few minutes asking after Finn – how is his back, his injuries? Is he back at work? What does Leia think of him? Has he been cooking Guatemalan food again? When will he get to meet him? After the first few times of this happening, Poe just sighed, shook his head and passed the phone to Finn. Kes and he had chatted happily for a while, and Poe had again been reminded how sweet and earnest Finn is, how crazy he is about this man.

This time though, he keeps the phone to himself, because he wants to ask his dad something. It’s been months since he last saw him, and usually he’d just let that go because he doesn’t want to bother his dad, or for his dad to see how badly he’s sleeping or how little he’s eating. But nowadays, he sleeps about five or six hours a night. Sure, he still has nightmares, but he can actually get back to sleep after them because Finn is by his side to ease his mind. He’s eating more too – not just surviving on grilled cheese and greasy takeout. The food Ben cooked them is finally finished, but Han sent Finn a bunch of his recipes (a high honour indeed), and between that and Finn’s desperate urge to entertain himself while stuck at home, Poe has been eating properly – casseroles and soups and pastas and enchiladas and every other thing Finn feels like cooking. He’s really enjoying it, it seems, getting to grips with finally having a proper kitchen rather than a kitchenette in his tiny studio. He may not be properly moved in yet, but he’s certainly made himself at home.

Now that he’s sleeping, now that he’s eating, now that he feels like his dad might actually look at him and be proud… he wants to ask his dad to visit. He knows Kes will leap at the chance, because he’s always asking, and he’s hoping Finn will like the idea too.

“Hey papa, can I ask you something?”

“Por supuesto mijo, what is it?”

“I was thinking… it’s spring break in a few weeks, and so I have time off. Finn will still be at work, but he’s taking it fairly easy still. Would you… maybe… do you want to visit?”

There’s complete and utter silence on the other end of the line. Poe would think his dad had hung up if he wasn’t prepared for this kind of response.

“Poe Oscar Dameron, did you just ask me to come out there and see you?”

“Si, I did”

“Are you feeling alright?” Poe can hear the amusement in his dad’s voice, the teasing, and he rolls his eyes, but it makes him smile too. His dad sounds happy, and it’s infectious. He’s been an idiot shutting his dad out, he knows that, and he’s got to stop doing it.

“I’m fine, stop it. I just thought you might like to meet Finn, and to-“

“Oh of course I’m coming, don’t be stupid. You send me the dates and I’ll be there. I just can’t believe you asked me – usually I have to beg you! Mijo I think Finn is very good for you indeed.”

Another eye roll at that, but he’s not exactly wrong.

“Alright alright, he is, and you know that. I know that. I’ll send you some dates but I should go, Finn just got home.”

Even when he was in his worst days, he never tired of hearing his dad tell him he was loved. Hearing it now is like a hug, even from a distance, and as he says it back he makes himself a promise that he’ll do better, be better to his dad. Starting with this visit.

When he’s finished on the phone, Finn is back, dressed in sweats and Poe’s jumper now, looking comfy and relaxed. He’s tapping away on his phone as he wanders into the kitchen, and Poe takes a minute to admire him.

Seeing Finn in his clothes isn’t ever going to get old, even if he is sad to see they’re looser on him than they were – he’s not been going to the gym, doctor’s orders, so he’s lost some of the bulk on his shoulders. He’s still utterly gorgeous though. Thick lips and pristine white teeth flashing as he smiles at his phone quickly, his skin practically glowing in the late afternoon light. His twists are a little messy now, he probably needs a fresh trim, but Poe doesn’t care because this is Finn. Broad, gentle, gorgeous Finn with his sparkling eyes and his dry humour and his endless well of love and affection when by rights he should be a guarded, miserable bastard. Instead he’s let Poe in, given Poe a place in his heart and Poe is never ever going to let him regret it. He’s so soft for this man, he thinks, as he looks at Finn’s bare feet fondly – who even thinks nice thoughts about someone else’s feet? He’s clearly got it bad.

After a minute, Finn looks up, catches Poe staring, and flashes him a cheeky smile. It’s one that could easily take things in another direction entirely and Poe is oh-so-tempted, but he wants to tell Finn what he talked about with Kes, and if they get distracted now it’ll take Poe hours to recover. Finn has gotten a little fixated on sucking Poe’s cock lately, and he likes to take his time, which means that Poe is usually useless for a good hour or so afterwards, a puddle of sparked nerve endings and contented goo.

Rather than leaning in and starting a slow kiss which would lead to so much more, Poe turns around and fixes them both a drink, starting to talk as he goes.

“So that was my dad”

“Yeah, I guessed that. Did you say hi from me?”

“Yes Finn, I said hi. He told me to tell you that he’s going to text you his recipe for chiles rellenos, and that you need to send him pictures when you make it.”

Finn beams back at him, clearly excited to be making more of Poe’s childhood foods.

“But we also talked about other things. I had a thought. An idea. And you’re absolutely allowed to say no, because I am kind of springing it on you and I understand if you don’t want to and you can just say that and I won’t be offended” Poe is fully aware that he’s rambling, stalling because he’s freaking out just a little. He’s almost one hundred percent certain that Finn is going to be excited and enthusiastic at the idea of Kes visiting, but he’s also sort of worried that he’s going to think it’s too soon, or that Poe isn’t giving him enough warning, or just something.

Finn fixes him with a look that says _just get on with it,_ but he wraps his arms round Poe’s waist to hold him close, which actually helps more than anything else. Poe takes a deep breath and just gets on with it.

“I wondered if it would be alright with you if dad came to visit when I’m on spring break? It’s in two weeks”

Finn’s smile now turns brilliant, his eyes lighting up and his eyebrows raising in surprise and delight. He’s clutching Poe even closer as he speaks.

“For real?”

“Yeah, if you want?”

“Of course I want him to come, Poe, I’m so excited! I’ll get to meet your dad! Oh my god this is fantastic!”

Poe feels his shoulders drop in relief, and he lets out a long sigh. He’s smiling, because Finn is happy and that’s always enough to make Poe happy.

“I’m really glad cariño, he’s going to love you.” As he says it, Poe knows it’s the absolute truth.

\---

In all the excitement about Poe’s dad coming to visit, Finn had forgotten to tell Poe about his conversation with Leia. He only remembers later, when he’s settling into bed, waiting for Poe to finish in the bathroom. He’s getting cosy in the sheets, snuggling his way onto Poe’s pillow because it’s comfier, when Poe comes in.

“So I had a talk with Leia today” He mumbles into the pillow, not entirely convinced that Poe will be able to make out what he’s said.

“Yeah? And what did she have to say tesoro?” Poe is fishing around in the top drawer of his dresser, back to Finn.

“She thinks I should be a lawyer.” Poe stops what he’s doing and turns round to face Finn.

“What was that?”

“She thinks I should be a lawyer. She’s offered me a place on their programme where I get funded through school, and then I have to do a few years’ work for them in return.”

This time, Poe hears what he’s said. His eyes light up, and suddenly he’s heading to the bed and climbing in next to Finn, cradling Finn’s cheek as he smiles down at him.

“Finn that would be fantastic? What do you think?” He looks so hopeful, almost young with it, and Finn is swept up yet again in his affection for this perfect man.

“I don’t know… it sounds good but… what if I fail? What if I don’t get into a good school and I end up disappointing Leia?” Finn looks up at Poe, fully awake now, worry seeping into his brain and filling him with doubts and concerns. Poe looks down at him fondly, takes a minute to shake his head as he strokes Finn’s cheek. He leans into the contact, happy to have Poe here to comfort him and help him work it all out. After a moment, Poe starts to speak.

“Baby, I know you’re scared but I promise you, you can do anything you put your mind to. You’re incredibly smart and resourceful and determined and brave and every other good thing I can think of. You’re honestly the smartest person I know – just look at how you picked up Spanish! You’ve gone from ‘hola’ to complex political arguments in a few months! You have such incredible passion and if this is what you want, we’ll make it happen. I can help you study, and we’ll make sure you ace every test. We’ll get Rose to look over your application, and we’ll make it happen. If it’s what you want. Is it, my love?”

Finn just blinks at him. He seems to be making a habit of doing that today, blinking gormlessly at people while they tell him things that seem too good to be true. He tries to snap out of it, tries to process what Poe has said rather than just bathing in the warmth of being loved. He’s not quite sure how to respond to that kind of unconditional, unselfish support: he’s not used to it. Rey has always loved him, and believed in him, but she’s never really been able to offer him this. She’s had her own problems and ambitions, her own worries, and she’s never been able to make him an offer like this, to devote all her energy and time to making sure Finn got what he wanted. It’s incredible, to be loved like this, to have someone so entirely in his corner. It makes him feel like he can do anything, like anything is possible. But that doesn’t mean it is.

Law schools don’t just let anyone in, especially when you look like Finn and you’ve failed out of one masters programme already. And even if he did get in, it would be hard work. He might be getting his fees paid by Leia’s programme, but he’s still got to pay rent, he can’t let Poe handle it all on his own. And then there’s bills, and books, and food, and everything else. He’s got to get through the course itself, too. The exams would be difficult, the essays brutal and he’d be studying with people who’ve wanted this for years, who’ve been preparing for years. There’s no way Finn is capable of that.

“Poe I just don’t think I could handle it. I’m not good enough for-“ He doesn’t get to finish the sentence.

“Don’t you ever, ever say that. You’re good enough for anything you want.” Poe is gripping his face in both hands, pulling Finn to look him in the eye, and he looks almost angry at Finn’s display of self-doubt. “You are the best person I have ever known, and I will spend the rest of my life proving that to you if I have to, but I won’t have you ever say you’re not good enough. Never.”

Poe promptly blushes an entertaining shade of pink when he realises what he said, but he doesn’t take it back, doesn’t look away, and Finn is helpless but to lean forward and kiss him senseless. He licks against Poe’s lips until they part, and then he spends several minutes making sure his thoughts and breath leave him entirely. He bites gently on Poe’s bottom lip, swallows the whimper Poe makes in return, and pulls Poe on top of him without ever separating from him. When he’s got him exactly where he wants him, straddling his thighs and panting into his mouth, the growing hardness between his legs pressing against Finn’s own, only then does he let him go. Not far, just far enough to whisper against his lips.

“Poe, I want to be a lawyer” He doesn’t manage any more words than that, because Poe is diving on him again, and this time he’s the one being kissed senseless, until his own name seems a distant memory, let alone his career choices.


	19. Giving it a go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW in the endnotes folks, check them please!
> 
> Back with an update exactly a week later, who knew writing a bit each day was the solution?!   
> Let me know what y'all think!

They decide to get Finn all moved in that weekend. He won’t be free of his lease till the end of the month, but he’s barely been back to his studio in weeks, just popping back to get clothes and things he needs. He’s not slept there since before the hospital, and he’s made it very clear that sleeping without Poe is something that holds absolutely no interest to him anymore, so they might as well get him settled at Poe’s before Kes comes in a couple of weeks.

The process of packing his stuff up doesn’t actually take as long as Poe had thought it might. He didn’t realise how few possessions Finn actually has. There’s his clothes and his kitchen stuff, some of which he donates to goodwill because Poe already has what he needs. Finn expressed disbelief when he first discovered how well-stocked Poe’s kitchen cupboards were, since he never cooked for himself. Poe of course had shrugged and just said “blame Leia and Ben”, which, yeah okay, that checked out.

Finn’s stuff is all packed up into labelled boxes and reusable carrier bags before lunch, and the only real issue is getting someone to come pick up all the furniture and bigger items he doesn’t want to take with him. That problem is quickly solved for them when Finn’s landlord offers to write off the rest of the month’s rent if they leave the stuff there. For once, Finn thinks maybe landlords deserve rights.

They stop for lunch, sandwiches from the deli round the corner, and then they start moving everything into Poe’s car. Once it’s all packed up, Poe asks if Finn would like a minute or two to say goodbye to the place. Finn sort of chuckles, because he doesn’t have any especially fond memories of this place. It had never had much personality, never meant much to him, and he’s already far more attached to Poe’s apartment, which is filled with memories of cooking and kisses and lazy mornings in bed.

Before long they’re unpacking everything at Poe’s, and Finn feels such a strong sense of belonging when he sees his clothes hanging next to Poe’s, his favourite mug in the cupboard, his shoes in the hall closet. He has to stop and take a moment, and Poe doesn’t say anything but he seems to get it, because he pulls Finn close and presses a kiss to his forehead, and murmurs “welcome home, cariño”, which is almost enough to set Finn off crying. Why is he so emotional today? He doesn’t bother to analyse it, just hugs Poe back and gets on with putting his things away.

After well-earned showers, they order pizza for dinner, and if Finn sneaks BeeBee a slice when Poe’s not looking, well, no one has to know. They spend the evening curled up on the sofa, Poe’s feet in Finn’s lap so he can massage them, because he knows they must be aching after today. Poe starts to let out deep groans as he slowly relaxes back into the couch, Finn’s fingers soothing tension he clearly didn’t know he was carrying. Finn loves to watch him like this, when his eyes close and he leans his head back against the cushions, making noises that go straight to Finn’s cock.

It's not long before he can’t stand it anymore. It’s been a long day, but he’s now officially moved in with his boyfriend. With his gorgeous, caring, sweet, gentle boyfriend, and he’s had enough of wanting and holding himself back. He decides now is as good a time as any, and shrugs Poe’s feet off his lap, shuffles closer to him until he’s all up in Poe’s space, and then he nuzzles into Poe’s neck, leaving kisses and gentle bites that he soothes with his lips and tongue. Poe makes a puzzled noise at first, but it quickly turns to a low moan when he realises what Finn is doing. He tilts his head further back, giving Finn easy access to nip and lave at the tendon running down his neck. Finn’s hand sneaks into Poe’s lap, working its way up his thigh until he’s cupping Poe through his sweats, and he lets out a little groan of his own at the hardness he finds there.

He finally manages to pull away just long enough to press a searing kiss to Poe’s lips, both his hands framing Poe’s face and holding him tight, before he draws back and grabs Poe’s hand, tugging him to his feet and dragging him along as he heads for their bedroom. A little zing goes down his spine as he thinks of it, _their bedroom,_ because it really is now. Those are his clothes in the wardrobe, his books on the bedside table, his photos of him and Rey on the dresser. It only adds to his need, because he wants to take _his_ boyfriend in _their_ bed, and he’s going to do it just as soon as he can.

He presses Poe down onto the bed, kissing him again as he starts to pull at both their clothes, mourning the loss of Poe’s mouth for the few seconds it takes to tug jumpers and t-shirts over their heads. Poe’s hair ends up delightfully ruffled, and combined with his almost totally black pupils and his harsh breathing, he looks sinful. Finn can’t help but twine his hands into Poe’s curls, using them as leverage to manoeuvre Poe exactly where he wants him so he can kiss along his jaw.

Soon they’re both down to their boxers, and Finn doesn’t even have time to be embarrassed about the steadily growing wet patch on his, or the distinct outline of his cock. Instead he’s too focused on Poe: how he smells, how he looks, how he sounds, how he feels. Their hips align perfectly and they spend a second gasping at the perfect friction of their cocks rubbing together, before Finn has to pull back and take a second. As his head clears ever so slightly, he realises he has very little idea what he’s doing. He doesn’t know if Poe is going to want to top, or if he expects Finn to take charge… he’s not sure if he’s ready for Poe to fuck him, if he’s prepared for that, or how he would even prepare for that. But equally, he’s not sure he trusts himself to fuck Poe without hurting him, and he knows he’ll cum embarrassingly quickly either way. How could he not, when faced with this man gasping and sighing beneath him.

Luckily, he doesn’t have long to fret before Poe is leaning up, looking him straight in the eye and solving his worries. He makes sure Finn is focusing on him entirely, taking in what he’s saying, and he asks “Finn, do you want to fuck me?”

Finn nearly finishes right there and then. He just about manages to hold onto his control, but he groans loudly and closes his eyes while he nods. When he opens them again, Poe is grinning devilishly up at him, before he’s reaching over to the bedside table. He pulls out lube and condoms, but then sneaks a glance up at Finn again.

“Obviously you’re clean, and I am too, it’s been years and I’ve been tested… do you want to go without?”

Again, Finn is fairly sure this is going to be over before it’s started, if Poe keeps asking him questions like this.

“Yeah, Poe, I want that, oh my god” He manages to whimper out his response, and Poe’s back to smirking as he shifts around to get himself comfortable. He shuffles out of his own underwear, pulling at Finn until he’s doing the same, and suddenly they’re entirely naked and Poe’s hot skin is pressed against Finn’s in such a delicious way that he has to wrap his hand round the base of his cock and squeeze so hard it’s painful. It works, and the need to cum subsides for now, but he knows it’ll be back quickly enough.

Poe takes his hand, presses kisses to his knuckles before opening the lube and coating Finn’s fingers in it. Finn drags in a ragged breath because he wasn’t sure Poe would want him to do this given that he has no experience and no real clue what he’s doing. But he does, he trusts Finn to do it, and that is both incredibly touching and incredibly hot. Finn gives him one last questioning look, and Poe responds by nodding and saying “Just take it slow, alright precioso?”

Finn takes that to heart, and starts so slowly he gets lost in it. He spends what could be whole minutes just circling his soaked index finger around Poe’s rim, relishing Poe’s gasps and the way he fidgets as the teasing gets worse and worse. When Poe is on the verge of yelling at him to “Just fucking do it you tease”, Finn finally presses his finger inside. He’s overwhelmed by the tight heat, by the arch in Poe’s spine in response, by the idea that before long he’ll be inside Poe like this. He slowly, gently as he can, pushes in further, and when Poe’s response is nothing but positive, he starts to curve his finger, exploring, getting used to this, learning what makes Poe mewl and what has him wincing and pulling away. It seems only seconds later that he’s pulling back and adding another finger, but it’s probably closer to five minutes, if the sweat dripping from Poe is any indication. This new addition has Poe grinding down onto him, circling his hips in a motion that Finn can only imagine on his cock, and begging for more. It’s possibly the sweetest sound Finn has ever heard, and he’s powerless to deny Poe anything, but especially something that makes him moan as prettily as this, so he adds a third finger, tentative because it seems like a lot, but eager to see how Poe will react.

He reacts incredibly, swearing and calling Finn’s name, pushing back onto his fingers and clutching at the sheets. Finn tries to curve his fingers, to spread them and massage them to help Poe open up, because that’s what this is all about, although he’s entirely forgotten that and quite frankly would be happy to do this forever if it makes Poe this happy, his own pleasure irrelevant in the face of Poe’s. As he’s slowly moving his fingers, carefully cataloguing the reaction, Poe suddenly starts to issue instructions.

“There, just a little deeper, yes, Finn right there, okay press there, press up and OH MY GOD” he cuts himself off, biting his own lip and swallowing down moans that might have gotten them a noise complaint as Finn’s questing fingers finally find his prostate. Finn grins, bright and guileless and exactly the same way he does when he’s learnt a new phrase in Spanish, and Poe’s whole body is quivering. Finn is thrilled with his new trick, and uses it repeatedly until Poe is thrashing and pushing him back, telling him to hurry up and get inside him.

Who is Finn to refuse?

He takes a second to move up the bed, to settle over Poe and lean his weight on his forearm, braced next to Poe’s head. He enjoys the heat of Poe’s body underneath his, and starts kissing his neck, his shoulders, his jaw, his mouth. Poe’s eyes are closed and he’s breathing heavily, still recovering from Finn’s attention, as Finn grasps his cock and lines himself up. He takes a second to watch Poe, but then Poe starts to frown, clearly impatient, and so he stops hesitating and pushes inside. He figures it’s best to do it slow and steady, until he’s hilted in Poe and his hips are pressing against Poe’s. He stops then, takes a second to breathe against the impossible heat and tightness of being inside Poe, because he’s sure he’ll cum if he doesn’t. Poe is making short sharp noises, whimpers, and Finn takes a second to stroke his face, to check in.

“Baby, is it okay? Is this alright?” Poe’s eyes don’t open, his frown doesn’t disappear, but he nods after a minute. Finn almost takes that as his cue and carries on, driven to desperation by the pressure around his cock, but something isn’t right. He knows Poe’s expressions almost better than he knows himself, after hours spent studying him when he thinks he can get away with it, and something isn’t right. Poe’s frown isn’t just impatience or trying to hold himself back, it’s the frown he makes when he’s angry with himself for the way he’s reacting. It’s the frown he makes when he can feel himself panicking, but is trying to suppress it. Finn takes another second to assess the situation, and he sees that there is tension in every line of Poe’s body. His shoulders are tight, and his hands are no longer holding Finn but knotted in the bedsheets. He looks like he’s bracing himself for something unpleasant, and as soon as Finn realises that he feels his desire and pleasure wither immediately, replaced by self-loathing and utter fear. He pulls back, tries to be gentle as he pulls out of Poe because he doesn’t want to cause any more hurt than he already has, rolls off Poe as quickly as he can, unsure whether to keep touching him or to pull away entirely.

“Poe, oh my god, please talk to me, please, are you okay? What did I do? I’m so sorry” He’s halfway to a panic attack himself, knowing he’s hurt the man he loves, that he’d been too wrapped up in his own pleasure to really pay attention, and god isn’t he just the worst person in the whole world.

Poe whimpers again, and now Finn can feel the cracks the noise makes in his heart, but he shakes his head, eyes still clenched shut, and grits out words.

“No, it’s okay, I’m fine. You can carry on. I’m fine” Finn is angry, suddenly, because why in god’s name would Poe think they should carry on?! He holds Poe’s face in his hands, turns him so he can look into his eyes, even if they are still closed.

“Poe, look at me. Open your eyes and look at me, please.” Poe does, after a second, and he looks lost and a little scared, and Finn feels like he’s been stabbed all over again at the sight. “We’re not going to carry on. I can see you’re panicking and I don’t want to do anything that’s going to hurt you or make you panic. Please, talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“I’m fine, really, I promise, I didn’t mean to ruin it for you-“

“Don’t you say that. Poe for goodness sake, imagine if I freaked out and said that to you? You’d never ever think I was ruining anything; you’d never want me to carry on if I didn’t want to, would you?”

Poe shakes his head slowly, and he looks so young and yet so old, with so much confusion and fear in his eyes but also far too many bad memories. Finn pulls him close, wraps him up as best he can in his arms, rocks them slowly as he continues to speak to Poe in as soothing a voice as he can manage.

“I don’t blame you, you’ve not done anything wrong. You need to communicate okay, when this happens you need to tell me to stop and we’ll talk about it, but we won’t have sex if one of us is panicking. Never. Alright?”

Poe sniffles an affirmative response into Finn’s chest, and Finn can feel the wetness of his tears against his pecs. Poe seems to be coming back to himself slightly, because now he’s clutching at Finn’s shoulders, pressing up against him in an embrace that ten minutes ago would have had Finn groaning but right now is anything but sexual. Finn is so scared that he hurt Poe, that this is his fault, but he can’t afford to freak out right now because Poe needs him.

“What happened baby? What did I do?”

“Nothing. It wasn’t you. I just… You were on top, and I felt trapped, and I got claustrophobic. And this used to happen sometimes, after… after I got back. But Muran didn’t like to stop so I used to try to push it down most of the time. It works usually, but…”

If taking care of Poe wasn’t Finn’s first priority, he’d already be out the door on his way to find Muran and make him wish he’d never been born. Instead he focuses on cradling Poe to his body, rocking them gently and speaking calmly to him.

“Poe, I always want to stop it you’re suffering. It’s not good for me if it’s not good for you. If you’re feeling claustrophobic, or trapped, or you’re panicking or even if you’ve just got cramp, I want you to tell me. Every single time. Can you promise me that?”

“Yeah, I …I promise.” Poe’s response is slow, like he’s not entirely convinced, but a promise is a promise and Finn will take it for now. They’ll have to have a proper conversation about this, but not when Poe’s still so wound up.

“I love you, Poe, so much. I only ever want you to be happy, and that includes the stuff we do in bed. Thank you for telling me about it. How about we grab some pyjamas and maybe put a movie on?”

That gets a real response from Poe, who is suddenly clinging to Finn like letting go would be the worst thing in the world, and shaking his head violently. He looks up at Finn for the first time in minutes, and says “No. Please, don’t. I don’t want to move. I don’t want pyjamas or a movie or any of it. Can we just stay like this?”

Finn is somewhat relieved that apparently, he’s doing the right thing, that he’s managing to comfort Poe even though he has no idea what he’s doing. He presses a kiss to Poe’s forehead, and assures him that yes, they can stay exactly like this.

And they do. They stay pressed tightly together for the rest of the night, and Finn’s not sure when either of them drift off to sleep, but he’s not surprised to be woken later in the night by Poe’s nightmare. He feels terrible, because he knows he’s at least partly responsible, and he wants to cry the whole time he’s comforting Poe through it. When Poe eventually calms again, Finn goes right back to holding him close, and stays like that the rest of the night.

\---

The next morning Poe feels ashamed. He feels like an idiot, like a stupid, weak idiot, because he couldn’t even manage to sleep with his gorgeous, loving boyfriend. He avoids Finn’s eyes, and shies away from Finn’s kisses, but of course Finn sees through him in about five minutes flat.

“I know that you think you failed, that there’s something wrong with you. You didn’t fail Poe, there’s literally nothing wrong with not having sex if it makes you uncomfortable. You know you’d say the same to me. Please, try to treat yourself with the patience and kindness you give me.” He softens and lets Finn wrap him up in a huge hug, and they stay like that for a few minutes, until Poe sighs deeply and pulls away.

This time he’s able to meet Finn’s eyes as he nods, and he feels a little better, well enough to get ready for work and pretend to be a fully functional human being for the day. He heads off after pressing a firm kiss to Finn’s lips, promising to pick up groceries on the way home after work. Finn warns him they should probably get take out because he’s going to the gym after work, and won’t have time to cook, and he figures they can squabble over pizza versus Thai later.

He makes it to campus on time, and even manages to smile at his undergrad class before he starts in on his lecture. He’s always going to be a mess after breakdowns, but with Finn around it’s easier, somehow. The panic doesn’t last as long, the fear isn’t quite as bad, the self-doubt not quite as crippling. And more and more, lately, when he hears that voice in his head that tells him he’s not good enough, that he’s weak or stupid or useless, it’s answered by Finn’s voice telling him exactly how wonderful he is. Maybe he’ll never be recovered, but he’s definitely learned that Jess (and his dad, and Leia, and Wedge, and Ben, and every other fool) was right, and that a healthy relationship goes a long way to making him feel like a real person again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poe has a panic attack and disassociates in this. He and Finn attempt to have penetrative sex, and they manage, when Poe freaks out and cannot continue, but tries to hide this from Finn. Obviously Finn is wonderful and realises, and stops, but it might be upsetting if it's a sore spot for you. Please take care of yourselves!


	20. Burning from wanting you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW at the end
> 
> Here you go, a day early, have a present. And not just any old chapter - I finally wrote the smut some of you have been yearning for from day 1 (no, just me then?)

Finn is irritated to discover that his stamina and muscle tone decreased rapidly while he wasn’t allowed to go to the gym. Today is his first day back and he finds himself tiring more quickly than usual, not lifting as much as usual, not hitting as hard as usual. It’s annoying, but he pushes past the screaming in his muscles and carries on anyway. He’s covered his back in deep heat to help with the aches and pains, and he’s been cleared by Dr Kalonia so he’s got no excuse not to throw himself into it.

He’s about halfway through his routine on the machines when Ben comes running up to him, looking pissed as all hell.

Finn had given him a quick nod and a wave when he first arrived, but Ben was busy with his own routine and he’d had his headphones blasting typically questionable emo-rock as usual, so he hadn’t wanted to intrude. Instead he’d just gotten on with his own stuff.

But now Ben is racing up to him, looking flushed and angry as Finn’s ever seen him. It makes Finn take half a step back because that’s not a look he really wants turned on him – he knows Ben is a good guy but he’s also heard about his tantrums, and jesus the guy is taller than a tree and just as broad, who would want to face that?

Luckily, Ben’s rage doesn’t seem to be aimed at Finn.

“Pick up your fucking phone Windu, you idiot, we have to go _right now_ ”

“Er, hello to you too? Why?”

“Poe’s in trouble, some asshole-“ Finn doesn’t really need to hear any more, ‘Poe’s in trouble’ is enough to have him lurching for his bag, checking his phone with a curse when he sees five missed calls, and heading for the door before Ben can even finish his sentence.

Ben steers them to his car (and if it weren’t a serious situation Finn would make jokes about this mess of a vehicle because honestly, red and black? Chrome trim? Really?), and they’re in and away before Finn thinks to ask for further details.

“So, what’s going on?”

“Poe accidentally stole some asshole’s parking space and now the guy is having a full road rage incident and Poe’s trapped in his car. Which is not good for someone who’s claustrophobic. He’s mid panic attack as far as I can tell.”

“Fuck. Did you tell him we were on our way?”

“Yep, I told him we’d be there in five”

Finn would doubt the estimate but he’s seen Ben drive before and yeah, maybe it’ll only take five minutes. He feels guilty that Ben had to come find him, that he hadn’t checked his phone, that he hadn’t been the one to come to Poe’s rescue. He’s also already incensed that some asshole thinks they can pick on Poe. Finn probably shouldn’t be getting into another fight given what happened last time, but right now he’s seeing red and he’d be happy to tear straight through this dickhead if it means making sure Poe is okay. He knows that Poe is extra fragile today, and it’s sort of his fault because of last night, and god he’s just getting more and more wound up the more he thinks about it. He needs to take some deep breaths and calm down before he just makes things worse.

Sure enough, four and a half minutes later they’re screeching into the parking lot of Wholefoods, and that makes Finn feel even worse because he knows Poe only comes here to get the special hummus that he knows Finn loves. Damn, this really is his fault.

It doesn’t take them long to find Poe, who is locked in his car with his eyes closed, humming and murmuring Spanish to himself in an attempt to stay calm. It doesn’t seem to be working because Finn can see he’s shaking even from outside the car, and his blood boils as he hears why.

“Come on you little bitch, get out the car and face me like a man!”

The source of the noise is a thickset white guy with a quickly receding hairline and a beer belly, but nonetheless big enough to put up a hell of a fight. He’s wearing cargo shorts at the length that Rey always describes as ‘built-in contraception’, and his face is steadily growing redder and redder as he yells.

Finn’s seen enough, had enough, of this guy before he’s even spoken to him. No one does this to Poe, not on his watch.

Ben is practically seething with rage by the time they make it to the Wholefoods where Poe is sitting in his car. He races into the parking lot, slams the car into a space on the end, not caring whether he’s inside the lines or not, and slides out of the car in one fluid movement. He’s ready to stride towards the asshole picking on Poe, grab him by his collar and throw him across the parking lot, but it turns out he doesn’t have to.

Finn is out and heading towards Poe before Ben even has chance to blink – by the time he’s made it out of the car, Finn is already a few feet away from the asshole and showing no signs of stopping. For a moment, Ben worries that Finn is going to get himself into another fight, maybe even start this one, but he’s too shocked to react quickly enough to stop him if he does. Thankfully, Finn has no such intentions. Instead of punching the guy, which Ben was fully expecting, he squares up in front of him, not a foot away, and plants himself in between Poe’s car and the asshole.

He doesn’t yell, he doesn’t even raise his voice loud enough for Ben to make out more than a few words, and he doesn’t do a single thing that could be construed as aggressive. Instead he’s just stood there, speaking calmly but firmly, and using his not-inconsiderable bulk to block Poe from the asshole’s view.

Ben thinks for a second that this might actually be even more intimidating than if Finn had walked right up and smacked this guy. He can see that the asshole is taking a calculating look at Finn, even as he tries to square up and tower over Finn. He’s only an inch or so taller than Finn though, and doesn’t have any of Finn’s aura of calm confidence, or Finn’s broad shoulders, showcased clearly because he's still in his tight gym gear. As he continues yelling, looking like he’s reaching boiling point, Finn just crosses his arms and raises an emphatic eyebrow. The asshole looks like he’s reconsidering his decisions, and Ben wonders whether he’s spotted the dog tags around Finn’s neck, or the crowd of increasingly disapproving bystanders.

Ben realises he should be comforting Poe, so he heads closer, towards the passenger door of the car, hoping Poe is aware enough to let him in. As he draws closer he can finally hear what’s going on properly, and has to restrain a snort.

“Yeah I don’t think so buddy.”

“That fucker cut me off! Who the fuck do you think you are, it was my parking space, why the hell are you all coming to his defence?”

“Well, I’m here because he’s the love of my life, that guy’s here because that’s his best friend, and I’m guessing everyone else is here because they’re enjoying watching you act like a Grade A douchebag.” Finn's voice is almost cheerful, like he's having the time of his life knocking this guy down a few pegs, but Ben suspects it's deceptive because he's heard Finn sound properly happy, and it sounds nothing like that. This is just carefully controlled rage waiting for an excuse to strike, and it's definitely more effective than yelling.

Grade A Douchebag deflates a bit at that, because clearly, he hadn’t noticed all the onlookers but he does now, takes a few seconds to really appreciate the crowd he’s drawn. His beetroot-red face screws up again in rage, but it’s obvious he knows he’s beaten.

“Right. Well tell that asshole not to fuck with me like that again! Have some respect!”

“Sure, he’s the one who needs to learn respect. Not the guy who’s been shouting at a stranger in a parking lot for the last half hour.” Again, Finn’s perfect calm never falters, and Ben is impressed – he’s not sure why he’d thought Finn would be all obvious anger and uncontrolled actions, but now that he’s seen it, this makes sense. Finn was a soldier, Ben remembers, and he’s seen his fair share of shit. It figures that the guy who ran straight into a three-on-one knife fight without a second thought would be alarmingly cool when confronted with one impotent asshole.

Said asshole finally gets the message, heads back to his car and speeds off, his trip to Wholefoods apparently forgotten in his haste to escape his embarrassment (and really, who knew assholes like that shopped at Wholefoods?). Ben finally pulls himself together enough to check on Poe properly, and is a little surprised at what he sees.

Before, Poe was shaking and clearly having an episode, but now he seems ...fine…? Ben is confused, until he sees the way Poe is staring intently at Finn. His eyes are fixed on his boyfriend, both hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel, and when Finn finally turns to the car, confident that everyone is safe now, Poe’s face splits into a cheeky grin that Ben recognises. He’s seen this grin, and it means he should get the hell out of dodge unless he wants to see things he won’t be able to get out of his brain.

He knocks on the passenger side window, and Poe starts, turning to him and unlocking the door, as if he’d forgotten Ben was even there. Ben opens the door just long enough to check that Poe is okay, and to tell him that he’s here if he needs him, but Poe spends the whole time staring at Finn as he approaches, responding only with a distracted “thanks buddy, I’m all good now”, and Ben decides to leave them to it.

By the time he’s made it back to his car, Poe is up out of his own car and has thrown himself into Finn’s arms. They’re attached from lips to hips and Ben quickly backs out of the lot and heads back to the gym, resolving to tell Rey all about this because he knows she’ll get a kick out of it.

\---

Poe is so turned on he can barely think, let alone drive. He keeps shooting looks at Finn, who is grinning like the cat that got the cream and leaning back nonchalantly in his seat. When his eyes meet Poe’s, he grins wider and reminds Poe to focus on the road. It’s a good job he does, because Poe has already forgotten that anything other than Finn exists.

He’s not sure quite why seeing Finn defend him like that had turned him to extremely horny jelly, only that if they don’t get home in the next ten minutes, he’s going to blow Finn right here in the car. It was about the hottest thing he’d ever seen, watching Finn stand there, strong and calm and oh-so-competent, and completely diffuse a situation that had Poe shaking in panic. It wasn’t just that he’d come to Poe’s defence, it was that he’d done it so completely capably – he’d never thrown a punch, or raised his voice once, and yet he’d shown that he was absolutely in control of the situation with such ruthless efficiency that the other guy had backed down almost immediately. Even Ben had seemed impressed, although that might just have been amusement at the obvious goo-goo eyes Poe was making at Finn by the end.

Now they’re on their way home, only minutes away, and Poe is going to jump Finn the second he gets through the door, if he can make it that long. He’d managed to satisfy himself for the moment with a deep and passionate kiss, which had surprised Finn it seemed, until Poe had pulled away and managed to groan “holy fuck that was the hottest thing in the world tesoro”. At that point, Finn had cottoned on and started smiling in a very smug manner that is actually, weirdly, doing things for Poe. Maybe it’s just because it’s Finn.

He survives until they’re back at his apartment building, somehow, quickly pulling into a parking spot and wasting no time in dragging Finn up each flight of stairs until he’s desperately searching for his keys in his work bag. Again, Finn has it under control, his key already out and in the lock before Poe can find his, and god, why is even that a turn on?

They make it into the apartment, but only just, before Poe throws himself at Finn.

The second the door shuts behind them, Poe is all up in Finn’s space, pulling off his own jacket as he peppers kisses across Finn’s jawline and presses his hips up against him as close as he can get. Finn seems happy with this development, his hands coming up to tangle into Poe’s hair and pull him closer, which just makes Poe moan into Finn’s neck, where he’s focused on leaving bites that he can soothe with his tongue. Finn chuckles a little, and Poe decides that if he’s still composed enough for that then he needs to do a better job of taking Finn apart. He drags them blindly through the apartment, heading for the bedroom but stopping for a minute to rut against Finn as he crowds him against the wall of the sitting room. Finn’s hands are starting to wander now, one on the back of Poe’s neck, a trick Poe is sure Finn learned from him, while the other is edging fingertips beneath the waistband of Poe’s trousers and god isn’t that an incentive.

Poe eventually manages to get them into the bedroom, and he steels himself long enough to pull away, to tug at Finn’s gym shorts and make progress on the buttons of his own shirt. It seems like only a second later that Finn is stood there in only his boxers, and his hungry gaze is fixed on Poe again, who is still struggling with his shirt, and hasn’t even started on his belt. Finn decides to take pity on him and reaches for the buckle. Deft, clever fingers have it free in no time, quickly followed by the button and zip of his trousers, which are promptly pushed down for Poe to step out of. Poe almost has his shirt undone when Finn starts kissing him again, hot, desperate kisses which make him lose all his focus and wonder what on earth he’s been doing with his life that he isn’t always kissing Finn like this.

Luckily, he manages to get his shirt undone, and Finn pushes it off his shoulders, to be discarded somewhere in the room. Finn is usually meticulous with his things, a result of never having all that much and years in the army with its strict rules and standards. But right now, Poe is pleased to note, all that has gone out of the window. He’s thrown clothes about as if he’s forgotten they even exist the second they’re off his or Poe’s body, and that’s sort of gratifying in itself. Finally, finally, they’re both down to boxers, which don’t stop Poe rutting against Finn with a keening noise sure to annoy the neighbours. The sensation, the tease, of being so close to what he wants and yet not quite there, is nearly enough to make him beg, but he realises he doesn’t have to. Finn is enthusiastically on board, there’s no room for doubt, and Poe is going to take him apart in the best way.

He pushes guides Finn until he’s falling backwards onto the bed, lying there staring up at Poe like he’s too good to be true, which does wonders for Poe’s ego – that this man, so incredibly gorgeous and good and smart, can look up at his scarred body with such adoring, hungry eyes? It goes straight to his libido, honestly. Poe doesn’t give him long to stare, instead joining him on the bed, crawling up until he’s straddling Finn’s thick thighs and having to resist the urge to just ride one of them. Another day, perhaps. Right now, Poe has a plan.

He leans across, grabs what he needs from their bedside table, shrugs himself out of his boxers and sits back up. Finn is still looking up at him like he hung the moon, so he leans forwards for one more kiss before he starts. Of course, this turns to kissing down Finn’s neck, across his collarbones, spending a good minute biting and nipping and sucking at his perfect chest, and Poe’s in danger of getting lost in this rather than focusing on the matter at hand. He pulls back, determined to get on with it, forcing himself to think through the haze of lust and pure want that’s clouding his brain.

Finn isn’t quite sure what’s gotten into Poe. From what he’s gathered from Poe’s half-explanations and murmured praises, something about Finn standing up to that asshole in the parking lot and not totally losing his shit and yelling had really done it for Poe. Finn doesn’t really understand, but he’s not all that worried about figuring it out because he’s perfectly content to enjoy the after-effects instead. Especially when those after-effects involve Poe’s mouth working its way across his chest, one hand on the headboard to keep himself steady while the other disappears behind himself. The noises Poe is biting out are forcing Finn to focus on horrible mental images to keep himself calm – Hux in a bikini, Poe’s attempts at cooking quiche, the old wrinkly dude who ran the architecture department at Finn’s old university – anything he can think of to stop himself cumming before they even start. It’s working, but only just, and then Poe starts speaking and Finn thinks he’s going to lose this battle.

“Just so hot… want you inside me… need it, need you, Finn” He’s whimpering as he opens himself up, stretching himself and unconsciously grinding into Finn’s lap as he does, moaning as Finn’s hands fly to his hips, to hold him steady and to make sure he never stops doing that.

Finn can’t even form words, he’s just in awe of this writhing, moaning man in his lap, his entire world, who keeps making declarations about how badly he wants Finn, how much he needs Finn to fill him up. It’s all Finn can do to hold on and keep himself calm, he’s never wanted anything more.

In the back of his mind he can’t help but wonder if this is Poe trying to apologise or make up for the night before, if maybe Poe doesn’t really want it as much as he says he does, if he’s only doing this for Finn’s benefit. But then he knows Poe better than that: last night, when he’d zoned out, Poe had stopped speaking, stopped moaning, stopped participating entirely. It had been Finn’s first clue that something was wrong, how passive Poe was, how he wasn’t touching Finn any more than he could help and didn’t really seem to be there with him anymore. But this? This is totally different.

For one, Poe is alternating between nuzzling his head into the crook of Finn’s neck, biting kisses there, and throwing his head back as he moans. He’s also moved his hand from the headboard so it’s slung around Finn’s shoulders, keeping him as close as he can get, so they’re practically breathing the same air. He’s actively participating, he’s not just letting Finn do anything to him, he’s taking charge and from the noises he’s making Finn is in no doubt that Poe is fully present in the moment. It soothes Finn’s worries and doubts, and helps him let go and really enjoy himself, because he knows this is what Poe wants, and that just makes it hotter.

After a few minutes, Finn is yanked back to the moment by Poe pulling his fingers out of himself and starting to claw at Finn’s boxers. Of course, Finn is all too happy to oblige, wriggling out of them with absolutely no grace but plenty of enthusiasm, and settling back against the headboard to watch Poe again. Poe seems to relish the attention, catching Finn’s eye and giving him a look that can only be described as wanton. He takes his still-slick hand and uses it to work Finn’s cock until Finn has to break eye contact to close his eyes and groan deep from his chest. It feels incredible, Poe’s hand around him and Poe’s body heat above him, grounding him but letting him fly so high at the same time. Poe shifts then, and Finn quickly opens his eyes so he can watch as Poe shifts up on his knees (god, Poe’s poor knees, they’re going to hurt after this, Finn knows, and he can’t help but feel a twinge of guilt at the thought), and guides Finn’s cock to his hole.

Finn is immediately overwhelmed by the heat and the impossible tightness of being inside Poe. It’s simultaneously the best and most intense thing he’s ever experienced, with Poe above him like this, tendons stretching deliciously in his neck where his head’s thrown back in a moan. He can do nothing but grip Poe’s hips tightly, probably leaving finger-shaped bruises he’ll kiss over later, and hold on as Poe sinks slowly down until Finn’s hips are nudging at Poe’s ass.

Finn isn’t sure he’s still breathing. He’s lost all awareness of everything that isn’t Poe. Poe’s hands on his neck, tugging him close; Poe’s forehead pressed against his; Poe’s harsh breath and quiet moans as he pants into Finn’s open mouth, not quite a kiss but somehow so much more intimate; Poe’s weight above him, pressing him into the bed that he never wants to leave; but most prominently the unbelievable sensation of being so close to Poe that he’s literally inside him. He’s part of Poe right now, joined in a way he’s never been with anyone else, and he knows that moment that he never wants this with anyone else, because it could never be as good as it is with Poe. It feels entirely right, like this is where he’s been heading his whole life and god, what a place to end up.

He’s looking up at Poe, trying to control himself so he doesn’t just buck up and take him before he’s ready, desperately trying to breathe through an arousal so powerful he’s not sure he’ll ever recover. He knows this is the best thing he has ever felt, will ever feel. It doesn’t get better than this. As ever, Poe manages to surprise him.

“You’re doing so good for me cariño, Finn, you feel amazing inside me.” Poe’s words are obscured slightly by his harsh breathing but they still make Finn harden even further, make him whimper as he’s filled with warmth and love for this perfect man who always knows just what he needs. “Nothing’s ever felt this good, jesus, so perfect. You’re the best thing I’ve ever felt.”

Finn opens his eyes to find Poe staring at him like he’s precious and priceless, and he can’t help but surge forward to kiss him, wrapping his arms round Poe’s back as he does. They press against each other, desperate to be closer as if that’s even possible, and it’s only then that Poe starts to rock his hips and ride Finn. Finn jolts underneath him, biting Poe’s lip hard and letting out a guttural moan that escapes him entirely involuntarily. He’s too far gone to kiss now, just panting and groaning into Poe’s mouth as he sits there and lets his boyfriend ride him for all he’s worth.

Poe soon builds up a rhythm, hands going back to the headboard to give him stability and leverage, rising up Finn’s cock quickly and dropping back down so quickly and firmly it makes Finn’s head spin. He’s swearing and moaning the whole time, unable to shut up, and it’s the best thing Finn’s ever heard, this constant stream of praise and petnames and affection that’s pouring from Poe’s lips. He’s losing himself in the feeling of Poe sinking down on him again and again, pace building as he gets into it and works over Finn’s cock faster.

Finn can barely get words out but when he does, they’re only variations of Poe’s name and pleas for more, anything Poe will give him. He’s entirely at Poe’s mercy, just along for the ride as Poe takes him apart thoroughly with each raise of his hips.

Poe changes his rhythm, starts circling his hips and grinding onto Finn like his life depends on it, gripping at Finn’s shoulders and whimpering, and Finn realises he must be getting close. He’s losing his mind knowing that Poe is just taking his pleasure, just using Finn to get off and that it’s working, that Poe is going to cum just from Finn’s cock. But he’s not going to let himself be entirely passive, for all that this is his first time and that Poe had wanted to “take care of him”, he wants to drive Poe as crazy as Poe is driving him.

So he fists one hand gently in Poe’s curls, pulls him close again so they’re pressed against each other and Poe is looking straight into his eyes, and then he wraps his other hand around Poe’s poor neglected dick. It’s hard and leaking between them, almost forgotten by the both of them, and Poe jerks when Finn takes him in hand. He whimpers loudly and starts chanting Finn’s name like a prayer, which becomes Finn’s new favourite noise, and starts bucking his hips wildly trying to decide between Finn’s cock and Finn’s hand and searching for both.

Finn strokes him steadily, not exactly gentle but a far cry from rough too, and starts to thrust his hips up a little to help Poe as he loses his rhythm. He’s begging every god he can think of that Poe cums soon because there’s no way he can hold out much longer, but he really wants to see Poe cum on his dick, needs it in a way he didn’t realise he could need anything that wasn’t food or water.

“Please, Poe, need to see you cum, need you to cum for me, oh god please” he manages to grit out, and that seems to do the trick, because Poe goes stiff for a minute, fingers digging bruises into Finn’s shoulders as he practically screams Finn’s name. His cock spurts between them, painting both their stomachs and the sight of it drives Finn entirely insensible. He loses any trace of restraint he had left, pulling Poe into a filthy kiss full of teeth and tongue and he drives up into him once, twice more and cums deep inside the love of his life. He can’t even process the incredible feeling of Poe writhing and squeezing around him, clenching his hole around Finn’s cock until it’s almost painful, riding the aftershocks of his own orgasm even more harshly as he registers Finn’s. Finn is utterly consumed by it, by the feeling of filling Poe and claiming him and being completely one with him.

It takes long minutes before Poe is able to come back down to earth. When he does, it’s to the wonderful sensation of Finn gently stroking his sweaty back, paying absolutely no mind to his scars and murmuring soft things into his ear about how beautiful he is, how perfect he is, how he broke Finn apart and put him back together again. Poe has just enough wherewithal to snuggle closer into Finn’s chest, his happy place, and wriggle a little on Finn’s softening cock, which is still inside him. It makes them both groan, it feels incredible but also too much, and he knows soon enough they’ll have to move and clean up, but right now he’s not sure he still has legs, much less how to use them.

Eventually, he pulls away enough to look Finn in the eyes, and he’s not surprised to find that Finn is looking him over, assessing him, clearly worried something they did might have been too much for him. He loves that Finn worries, that he cares so much and is so committed to looking after him, but Poe has never felt better in his life, so the worrying is pointless. He tells Finn as much, and is rewarded with a grin full of sunshine and satisfaction. He grins back, overwhelmed with happiness and contentment.

They snuggle and kiss lazily for a few more minutes before Poe decides to be the sensible one. He reluctantly disentangles himself from Finn, wincing a little when he pulls off. He’d forgotten how tender it could get when you go a little hard. Finn catches the expression, because of course he does, he’s Finn, and immediately goes into panic mode until Poe reassures him that it’s normal, and not unwelcome.

“I like being reminded what we did. That I had you inside of me. It’s good, like soreness after you work out. I earned it” Finn ducks his head, almost shy, after all they’ve just done, and Poe feels a rush of affection for this bashful, sexy man.

He drags Finn into the shower, and they make out under the water, wash each other’s backs, and when Finn starts massaging shampoo into Poe’s hair his dick twitches as if it’s tempted by the proceedings, but can’t quite manage to get hard again. Poe is too sleepy and comfy and happy to care, and quite frankly he just wants to curl up with his boyfriend and eat leftovers, so he ignores it.

They leave the shower when their fingers start to turn wrinkly and there’s not an uncleaned inch of either of their bodies, and head back to the bedroom. Finn strips off the sweaty sheet and replaces it, while Poe digs out pyjamas for them both. Finn doesn’t pass comment but he does smirk when he sees that Poe’s “pyjamas” are actually Finn’s sweatpants and t-shirt, and Poe shrugs as if to say “sue me”.

They settle on the sofa with reheated pad Thai and spring rolls from last night, and BeeBee sits hopefully at their feet, not quite begging but not exactly subtle either. Finn is a softie of course, so he takes pity and gives her a spring roll, and her noisy eating accompanies their soft conversation as they eat. They could watch a movie, but Poe doesn’t really want to burst their little bubble, and he’s happy to just chat quietly to his love, and exchange lovestruck grins over their plates.

He can’t imagine a more perfect evening, and he’s not sure how he’ll manage to drag himself away and to work in the morning, but he decides that is tomorrow’s problem, and resolves to ignore it for as long as he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, some asshole yells at Poe and goes full road rage. Poe is freaking out and locks himself in his car to have a panic attack, but I promise no harm comes to Poe, and there's no violence either - although the asshole might have liked to cause some, and says some shitty things, he doesn't get chance.
> 
> After that, there's smut. penetrative, glorious smut. everyone is enthusiastically on board and consenting, and it goes well. Nothing bad happens, they are happy and sated and snuggly.


	21. Meet the Parents

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No trigger warnings here I don't think folks - just love and affection, and a little bit of discussion of kinks, but nothing graphic.
> 
> I know this one is short, but it's coming out quick so I hope that makes up for it!
> 
> I'm fairly sure the next chapter is going to be the last, and obviously that doesn't mean I won't write more in this world at some point - I might do! - But it's going to be the last of my regular updates, and the last in this main story. I'm kinda sad, but also kinda amazed to have made it to this point - this is my first ever fic and it's nearly 80k words?!
> 
> Anyway, enough of my rambling - you know what to do! Comment or kudos, or come find me on tumblr at just-another-f4ngirl if you wanna talk!

The time before Kes’ visit seems to fly by, and Finn gets a little more nervous and excited every day. He desperately wants to make a good impression, and finds himself obsessively cleaning and tidying the already-tidy apartment. He’s made enough food to feed a small army, and Poe is having the time of his life tasting and trying everything Finn puts in front of him. He laughs at Finn affectionately, and tells him that Kes is going to love him no matter what, but he doesn’t make Finn stop, which Finn appreciates. He needs some kind of outlet for his nervous energy, and cooking and cleaning seems to be it, especially after he finishes work on the Friday night. He’s lucky, Leia has given him Monday and Tuesday off, so he can spend some time with Poe and Kes, and then they’ll have time just the two of them when he goes back to work. He’s hoping and praying that things go as well as Poe is sure they will, because this is Poe’s family, and he wants Kes to approve.

As it turns out, he doesn’t really have a lot to worry about. Kes flies out, refuses to tell them when his plane gets in so that they can’t pick him up at the airport, and his taxi drops him off in front of Poe’s building on Saturday afternoon. The time in between him ringing the buzzer to be let up and actually reaching the front door is just long enough for Finn to really work himself into a state, but Poe puts his hands on his shoulders and stares into his eyes to calm him down.

“Precioso, Finn, he’s going to love you. I promise on BeeBee’s life.”

“You don’t know that, what if-“

“What if nothing, I’m sure of it. And if he doesn’t, well that’s his loss, because I know you’re great and I love you endlessly. Okay? Please just breathe.”

Finn tries his hardest, and when Poe opens the door to his dad, Finn finds himself too distracted to worry.

Kes looks almost exactly like Poe, just a few decades older. He’s taller too, towering over Finn and Poe both, broad and clearly still fit for all that he’s past his prime. His skin is darker than Poe’s, but they have the same eyes, and Finn notices that Kes has the same crinkles in the corners of his eyes that Poe does, from laughing often. He can immediately see why, because Kes is laughing almost as soon as he sees Poe, in delight, as he envelops him in a huge hug that might have crushed a less prepared man. He holds onto Poe tightly, rocking them back and forth slightly, eyes closed and a contented smile fixed on his face. Finn can see Poe’s shoulders relax, can hear the deep breath he lets out, one that Kes mirrors.

Finn knows that for all Poe grumbles about his dad being overbearing, he clearly misses him and loves him dearly. While that makes Finn’s heart ache for something he’ll never have himself and something he can never give Poe, he’s so happy to see that Poe is willing to let his dad in a little more.

Kes eventually lets Poe go, grabs him by his shoulders for another minute, looking him over with warm but critical eyes, and says,

“You’ve gained weight. And you’re sleeping. You look better mijo, much better.”

“Si papa, I eat a lot better now, sleep better as well, thanks to-“

“Ah, you must be Finn” Kes says, and slaps Poe’s shoulder as he finally releases him entirely. He turns to Finn now, and Finn’s heart stops for just a minute as Kes frowns at him, as this larger than life figure looms closer. But then the frown breaks into a sunny smile, not unlike the one Kes had bestowed on Poe, and suddenly Finn finds himself wrapped up in a hug of his own.

“You’re already a miracle worker to me, making Poe eat and sleep and look after himself. It’s great to finally meet you” He says all this while still holding Finn close, and Finn can feel his cheeks heat with happy embarrassment at the praise. After a minute, Kes lets go, and Finn feels a little sad that he does.

“It’s not an easy job, but someone’s got to do it” He jokes, and Kes laughs louder than the remark deserves. Finn feels warmth and acceptance, and all his nerves melt away in the face of this exuberant, endlessly kind man. Kes is exactly what Finn imagines a dad is supposed to be – he can imagine Poe as a child, drawing comfort from a father who seemed so big, so strong, so patient and loving. He can’t help but smile, and he wonders what Poe was like as a child.

Kes is clearly a mind-reader, because he chooses this moment to say to Finn, “I hope you’re ready, I have baby pictures!”

Finn is delighted, of course, but it’s Poe’s bright red face and put-upon groans that really make him smile.

They settle down to chat and relax, letting Kes recover from his journey while they catch up. It turns out Kes has a wicked sense of humour, dry and sharp, and Finn understands why he and Leia have been friends for decades. He’s always ready with a quip or a comment, often at Poe’s expense, although there’s never any malice in it, and Finn can tell that Poe is more than used to the teasing.

As promised, Kes has brought baby pictures, and he gets them out with barely concealed glee, which Poe does not match. Finn is utterly delighted by what he sees: even as a child, Poe was clearly going to be a good-looking man. His hair was thick and luscious from day one, and most of the pictures from ages three to thirteen feature a thick curl that drops onto his forehead. He smiles in a way Finn has barely seen his Poe smile – wide and carefree, all the way to his eyes – and he seems to smile more easily, or at least more often, if the sheer number of grinning photos is anything to go by. Finn mourns for a moment, for the beaming boy who had so much taken from him. First his mother, then his freedom, his health, his confidence, his profession. It makes Finn’s heart ache to think how cruel life has been to Poe, but the fact that Kes is here laughing and joking, and that Poe is healthy and happy now, even if he hasn’t been for far too long, helps to ease Finn’s melancholy.

He enjoys seeing Poe’s childhood, feels like he knows so much more now he’s hearing it from Kes. There are childhood stories that make Poe beg his father to shut up, and at one point they devolve into bickering in fast-paced Spanish which is peppered with too much slang and too much laughter for Finn to keep up. He gathers enough to know that Poe is insisting that no, Kes really did not need to tell Finn about the summer he had spent obsessing over a local girl and trying to impress her, and that the fall from his bike had been completely unrelated to trying to impress her, thank you very much.

Poe can’t stop every one of his father’s stories, however, happily for Finn, and Kes manages to share a few that have Finn wheezing with laughter while Poe shakes his head ruefully beside him. There’s finally a slight lull in the conversation, and Poe seems to take that as an excuse to get up, to head for the bathroom and to make them fresh drinks. Finn would have panicked about being left alone with Kes, but now he’s met the man he realises he has nothing to worry about.

Kes flips through the last stack of photos, searching for something in particular, and when he finds it his eyes grow sad even through his smile. He hands the photo to Finn, and Finn knows who he’s looking at without any explanation, but Kes gives one anyway.

“That’s Shara. This was a few months before she died, I think. Poe was nearly 9.” The woman in the photo is beautiful, stunning even, with long dark hair and a bright smile through an open, laughing mouth. Finn can see hints of Poe in her, even in just one photo. She looks happy, and Poe is caught in motion, running round her with his arms outstretched like a plane. Finn smiles at the photo, but the melancholy from earlier returns as he wonders about this woman he’ll never get to meet.

Of course Poe has told him about his mum, briefly, stiffly, as if he still can’t bear to talk about it three decades later. She’d been a pilot too, a transport pilot, since that was the only kind of flying the air force would let women do back then. She’d ferried planes back and forth across the country and the world, had taken any opportunity she could to get into the sky. But despite her busy schedule and frequent absences, she’d been a wonderful mother, it seems. Poe had known he was truly loved, had cherished the memories and time he had with his mother, and had followed her into the cockpit. For all her job might have seemed more dangerous than average, she’d been crossing the road when she was killed. A hit and run that left her bleeding on the crossing, shopping strewn around her. Finn had learned all this from Poe, slowly, but he doesn’t like to talk about his mother it seems, based on the way he walks away from any conversation about her partway through.

“She was beautiful” is all Finn can muster, because what do you say about a woman you’ll never meet, but who means so much to those who remember her?

“She was. My star. She thought the world of Poe, loved him more than life itself.” Kes’ voice is soft and full of regret and sadness, and if Finn knew him better, he’d reach out and take the man’s hand, but he’s not sure it’d be welcome. “It would have broken her heart to see what happened to him. She’d have been so proud of him for flying, and so scared for him. It’s almost a blessing, I suppose, that she wasn’t around to see it, to lose him.”

“But he came back.” Finn protests, half-heartedly, because he knows what Kes means, and he doesn’t want to offend, but Poe is here, and it’s the only Poe Finn’s ever known and he can’t bear for people to talk about him like he’s still lost.

“He did and he didn’t. Parts of him never came back. She would have held herself responsible, stupid as that is. Just who she was. She’d have done far better holding me responsible.” They’re both silent for a long minute: Finn doesn’t even know what to say, and Kes is lost in memories that are clouding his face.

“She’d have liked you though.” He starts again, and now he’s almost smiling, looking up at Finn, “Oh yes. She would. She’d have embarrassed him worse than me, and she’d have you on her side in an instant.”

“I wish I could have met her.” Finn says weakly, which is true, entirely true, but doesn’t feel like enough.

“So do I, son. So do I. Poe’s a lot like her though, and he seems to like you well enough.” Kes’ eyes are mischievous again, glittering as he smirks at Finn. Finn ducks his head, happy but embarrassed. But Kes isn’t done. “It puts my mind at rest, you know, knowing that you’re here and taking care of him.”

“He takes care of me too, especially after… everything.” Finn knows that Poe would deny it, but he really has put Finn back together since the attack, helped him recover in a way Finn didn’t expect from anyone, not even Rey.

“You’re recovered now though, aren’t you? No lasting effects?” Kes looks concerned, and Finn is warmed by the idea that Kes actually cares about his wellbeing.

They’re discussing Finn’s work at Resistance by the time Poe gets back, and Kes clearly has a healthy respect for Leia in his tone, knows as well as anyone that she’s a force to be reckoned with. They’re all supposed to be going over for dinner tomorrow, and Finn is looking forward to seeing Kes’ humour with Leia’s, watching them hold court around the table and mock the young ones, even if he suspects he’ll come in for his fair share of ribbing too. He can’t wait to hear what Kes says about Ben’s car.

As they lie in bed that night, Kes safely back at his hotel, Poe turns to Finn with a very smug grin on his face. Finn knows what he’s going to say before he says it, but he doesn’t stop him.

“I told you he’d love you.”

“You don’t know that, maybe he’s just being nice” Finn is mostly teasing though, because he’s fairly sure that Kes had actually taken to him pretty well, feels secure enough in the fact to joke about it.

“I know you’re just being a little shit so I’m going to ignore that. He loves you. I love you. You are loved.” Poe smiles and leans in for a kiss that Finn is oh-so-happy to give him, having restrained himself from too much PDA while Kes was around.

They kiss lazily for a few minutes, both warm and comfortable and on their way to sleep, before Finn pulls away again, pressing one last peck to Poe’s lips.

“Odd really, when you think about it, that I’m the one of us that gets to meet the other’s family, given how much older than me you are.” It’s said almost wistfully, but he’s not bitter about it. He’s come to accept that his family isn’t conventional, isn’t like anyone else’s. Instead of parents and grandparents and brothers and sisters he has Rey, and now Ben, he has Abeo and Suya, Leia and Han and Chewie and sort of Luke and Wedge, and now he has Poe and maybe Kes too. They’re not a normal family, not nuclear and picture-perfect but they all mean the world to him and he’s beginning to see that they love him just as much, that he deserves that love.

Poe, clearly, has had a different thought. “Does it bother you? My age? I know thirteen years is a fairly big gap for some people…” He seems a little worried, like maybe this is something he’s been meaning to bring up for a while now, a concern that’s worked away in the back of his brain, and the furrow between his eyebrows makes Finn keen to reassure him.

“No, Poe, it doesn’t bother me. It never has. Sure, you’re older and your creaky knees make you seem a hundred and eight rather than thirty-eight, but I don’t care. I quite like having my sexy older man doting on me, to be honest.” He’s smirking, and he knows he’s successfully distracted Poe when his eyebrows shoot up, and he gets a cheeky grin on his face.

“I suppose I do take care of you a bit, don’t I?” Finn snuggles closer to Poe, enjoying the teasing lilt to his voice.

“You did move in here to my luxurious apartment” At that, Finn can’t help but snort – it’s a nice apartment, but luxurious isn’t exactly the word he’d use.

“I do spoil you with presents” And okay, that one is kind of true, now that Finn thinks about it. They’re never big things, just little tokens that show Poe is thinking about him – going out of his way to get his favourite hummus from Wholefoods, buying him cookbooks for cuisines Poe knows he wants to experiment with, buying him henleys and a fluffy new scarf to keep him warm, getting him noise cancelling headphones for the gym so he can enjoy his workouts in peace.

“You know, there’s a word for that.” This time, Poe’s voice is careful, like he’s not entirely sure how Finn will react. It takes Finn a minute to work out why, to figure out what he’s referring to. When he does, he feels a wave of heat roll down his spine at the thought.

He tries to turn it into a joke, but he’s fairly sure Poe can see the truth in his eyes when he looks up and says, “What, you want me to call you daddy?”

Poe groans, and that sort of shocks Finn. He hadn’t realised that was something Poe was into… to be honest, he hadn’t realised that was something he was into until just that minute, but he remembers feeling a little warm when he heard Poe refer to himself as BeeBee’s “daddy”, and god, maybe he should have seen that coming.

“You actually do, don’t you? You want me to call you that?” He’s insistent now, eager to discover if this really is a kink for Poe. He’s definitely getting braver: they’ve only had sex a few times, and here he is diving into a real-life kink with enthusiasm. He finds it’s not as scary as he might have thought, not with Poe anyway.

“I think maybe I do… is that something you want?” Poe is back to worried, again, seeking an answer in Finn’s eyes as if scared he’s going to be offended, or turned off, or disgusted. Finn rolls his eyes before responding.

“It’s not something I ever really thought about. But now you’ve said it I kinda… huh, maybe. I’d like to try, I think” He grins up at Poe, and is rewarded with a lip-bite that makes him half-consider trying it now.

“Okay, we’ll try it then baby. But not tonight, I’m exhausted and we’ve got a full day of traipsing around town tomorrow.”

“Okay daddy, not tonight” Finn can’t resist just one little dig, has to always have the last word and rile Poe up. In response, Poe groans, rolls onto his back and rubs his hand across his eyes.

“You’re going to be the death of me, you know. You really are.”

Finn falls asleep with a smile on his face and his lover’s arms wrapped tightly around him.


	22. Endings Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY EVERYONE!! It turns out a masters degree is no joke, and I cannot apologise enough for how long this has taken me. HOWEVER - here it is! The end! We did it, and the fact that I wrote like 82k for my first fic is still kind of astonishing to me. 
> 
> This is pure fluff as far as I'm concerned, but if you see a warning you think should be on there, drop me a comment and I'll put it on!
> 
> Thank you all for going on this journey with me, and for those of you still reading thank you for sticking with me and putting up with my erratic updates, y'all are my faves.

Leia throws open the door with an enthusiasm that belies her age, and stands smirking at them from the doorway as they head up the path.

“Kes Dameron you old rogue, you haven’t aged a day!” She says fondly, looking Kes up and down in a keen assessment as she opens her arms to him. He laughs loudly, boisterously, and sweeps her tiny frame up in a hug that leaves her feet dangling inches above the floor.

“Leia, you’ve never been one to lie to me, don’t start now” he admonishes her as he sets her down. The height difference almost makes Finn laugh, but he resists the urge as Leia’s focus shifts to the two of them. He and Poe are holding hands loosely, watching the exchange with amused eyes.

Leia links her arm through Kes’ and then says conspiratorially, “I think I did rather well putting these two together, don’t you think?” As she surveys her match with pride.

“General, I think you did. Very well done indeed.” Kes responds.

With that settled, Leia drags Kes off into the house, and Poe and Finn can soon hear Han and Chewie’s exuberant greetings as they’re reunited with their old friend. Finn can’t help but smile at the noises of family and friends, the happiness filling the house almost as much as the smell of cooking.

It doesn’t last long, of course, and not ten minutes later Kes is banished from Han’s kitchen because he’s “worse than Chewie goddamnit, won’t you all stop tinkering with my food!”. He winks at Finn as he beats a hasty retreat to the living room, and sits down to catch up with Luke. He’s promptly introduced to Rey, and spends a good few minutes making annoying remarks to Ben, of the sort you only receive from family or family friends that haven’t seen you since you were little. The third “you used to be this tall!” Seems to be Ben’s limit, and he slinks out in the direction of another drink.

Poe is passing his time in the kitchen chatting amicably with Han and Ben, once he joins. Finn is happy to notice that Ben’s relationship with his parents is less strained every time he sees them interact, and Han even puts a hand on Ben’s shoulder when he laughs, no hesitation in sight. Poe must notice too, because his eyes are impossibly fond as they survey the scene. Nobody points out to Han that Chewie is behind him, quietly sneaking more seasoning into the saucepan on the stove.

Drink in hand, Finn heads to the living room, nearly bowled over as he enters by Wedge and Luke’s over-enthusiastic dog Artie, who has joined them tonight for some reason that Finn has yet to discover. He makes it safely to the sofa and drops down next to Rey, who puts a hand on his knee in greeting but doesn’t break from her conversation with Kes and Luke. Finn is content to watch and listen, not feeling the need to be the centre of attention just now, until he feels a presence behind him. He turns to look over his shoulder, and notices Leia is stood next to the sofa, happily surveying her domain. When he makes eye contact with her, she smiles widely and steps forward to speak to him.

“I know I said I’d give you a week, but sue me, I’m impatient - have you given my offer any thought?” She seems genuinely excited, but perhaps that’s just the energy of tonight, of having a house full of family and friends who are all happy and safe and getting along.

“I’ve…yeah, I’ve thought about it”

“And???” Leia’s voice is eager, demanding, like Finn is holding back the ending to a story that she desperately wants to hear. Maybe he is, in a way.

“It’s a really kind offer Leia, and I can’t believe I even have the option-“

“I’m sensing a but, and I don’t think I’m going to like it”

“No buts. I want to take you up on it.” Before Finn can express his gratitude once again, Leia is letting out a shriek that alerts the whole room, and raising both hands in victory - one in a fist, one with a dangerously sloshing wine glass.

“Yes!! You see, I always get my way! This is going to be great for you Finn, just you wait!”

Everyone else in the room has turned to look at them, thanks to Leia’s exuberance - Kes, Luke and Rey are all giving them expectant looks, clearly waiting for an explanation.

“Do you want to tell them or shall I?” Leia’s face is filled with mischief, and Finn feels a little thrill at being in on the secret, at sharing this with her and getting to tell everyone else his big news. He turns to the rest of the room, Leia’s free hand resting on his arm for moral support she somehow knew he’d need.

“I’m going to be a lawyer!” He says at last, and is immediately deafened by Rey’s squealing. She’s up and off the couch and in his arms in a second, jumping a little with the excitement, bouncing like keeping still is just too much for her right now. She’s gripping his arms tightly, eyes full of happiness and pride. It’s almost enough to have Finn crying, because this wonderful woman is the first, and for a long time the only, family he ever had, and she’s proud of him.

“Oh my god!!! What?! You’re going to - oh my god, Finn this is fantastic! It’s perfect for you!” Rey’s voice is several octaves higher than usual, but Finn is just fixated on her happiness, her pride, the way she believes in him completely and totally. He loves her so much, his big sister, as she dances around him and lets Kes pat him on the back and Wedge wink and shake his hand.

The commotion draws the rest of the household into the room, unsurprisingly, and Poe appears at his side, his eyes full of mirth. “I guess you shared the good news then?”

“I did” Finn smirks back, as Rey and Leia explain the situation to Chewie, Ben, and Han. Han seems less surprised than he should be, and Finn suspects that Leia has spoken to him about it already. Which is only fair he guesses, since he can’t keep anything from Poe for more than five minutes.

The dinner passes in a haze of congratulations and old stories shared between Kes, Chewie, Han, and Leia. Poe spends most of the evening cackling loudly along with the others about his father’s antics, happy to see his dad so animated, and to see Finn shyly accept so much praise. He loves being surrounded by all these people he loves, and seeing them all laughing and joking and happy. He feels full of love, as well as Han’s (and Chewie’s) cooking, and it’s all he can do to stagger to the car when the evening is over.

The drive home is quiet, because the three of them are tired and full and they’ve spent the whole night talking. They drop Kes off at his hotel, and he gives them both huge hugs. Poe will be sad to see him return home at the end of the week, but he has a feeling Finn will be trying to persuade him to go visit his dad before long, and he thinks he just might let himself be convinced.

By the time he and Finn collapse into bed, Poe is exhausted and content in the way only an evening with family can produce. He turns to Finn, who is in a similar state, because he just has to say this one thing.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know? I’m incredibly proud of you, and lucky to call you mine” He watches Finn’s smile overtake his face, his eyes warm as he leans in for a quick kiss.

“I could say all of that to you Poe. I love you.” They lie there, snuggled close and smiling like fools, until sleep takes them. Poe’s night is, for once, undisturbed by nightmares.

—-

Finn holds Rose hand tight in his, probably squeezing a little too hard, but he’s concentrating too hard to stop. She’s squeezing back, and tapping her leg impatiently, her stylish loafer flapping on and off her heel as she does. Poe is still as stone beside them, and if Finn couldn’t see his knuckles white but firm and steady on the bench in front of them, he’d worry that Poe was having some kind of episode.

They’d been waiting for three hours while the jury deliberated, and then the message had come through that they were ready to announce a verdict, and all three of them had been rushing back into the courtroom. The case has taken several days as the courtroom heard all the evidence and testimonies, and it’s wearing on Finn’s already frayed nerves. He didn’t have to be there for all of it, just his testimony, Rose had told him, but he wanted to be there. He felt like he needed to sit there in the audience and look these men in the eyes, show that he wasn’t afraid of them, that they hadn’t beaten him. It seemed like the DA had built up a really strong case against them, assisted by Rose, and Finn had patiently sat through hours of testimony and arguments - from the bartender, from Rey (who had not shed a single tear and had stared the accused down with such a fierce look Finn was surprised they didn’t spontaneously combust), from Ben (whose voice had taken on a cold tone that Finn has never actually heard, but Poe later told him privately was what Ben sounded like when he was so angry he was trying not to murder someone), from Dr Kalonia (whose assertion that Finn had come within an inch of being permanently paralysed was more than a little chilling - when they’d gone home that night Poe had spent about an hour kissing Finn desperately and holding him so tight he couldn’t even breathe properly). Then there had been the security footage from the bar and from the dock, and in a not-that-surprising turn of events, the two men facing lesser charges had decided their best shot at avoiding prison time was to blame everything on the man who had stabbed Finn. Finn wasn’t entirely happy about that, because it might mean they just got a slap on the wrist, but at least the evidence against the ringleader was even strong now. When Finn eventually took the stand, he was too tired of it all to be nervous, and he answered the questions with a calm that surprised even him, until eventually it had been easy for the prosecution to convince people that he was a non-violent, easygoing guy, despite how the defence had tried to portray him.

Now they sit there, Finn and Poe and Rose, watching impatiently as people file back into the courtroom, and the jury slowly settles themselves into their seats again. The wait seems to go on for hours, although in reality it can’t be more than a few minutes before the judge is turning to the foreman and asking her to stand up. Finn can’t quite remember the last time he took a breath, but he’s not sure he could force his lungs into action right now even if all his attention weren’t dedicated elsewhere.

The foreman stands up, and her voice is steady as she reads out the verdict they’ve reached, her hands don’t shake, and the judge thanks the jury for their deliberations and due care, as he discharges them. Finn can’t really hear any of it over the rushing in his ears. Rose squeaks next to him, and the loafer finally falls off her foot as she uncrosses her legs in such a hurry. Poe shoots to his feet, hands finally releasing the bench in front, and Finn thinks distractedly that he’s surprised there isn’t an imprint of Poe’s hand crushed into the wood. He’s still in a trance, too caught up in his own head, when Poe pulls him to his feet and wraps his arms round him tightly. He finally starts to surface when Poe begins to murmur into his ear “it’s over, you’re free now, they can’t hurt you again, it’s over tesoro”. He finally begins to feel like himself when Rose takes his hands in her tiny ones and beams up at him and says “I told you we could do it Finn”.

They’re right. He’s free, it’s over now. He’s still dazed and reeling when the judge reads out the sentencing - six years each for the two other men, eighteen years minimum for the man who stabbed him - and it all feels too good to be true. He had still been half convinced they’d all turn round and say it wasn’t real, that these men would walk away untouched, and one of the worst events in his life would never really be closed. But instead he gets to walk out of the courtroom into the bright sunshine, with the love of his life on one side and a woman who is fast becoming one of his best friends on the other, and he gets to go to dinner and close this whole chapter of his life for good. He feels lighter than air that night, and wakes up ready to take on anything.

—-

Finn’s first day at law school is far less terrifying than he expected. He was so nervous this morning he wouldn’t have managed to eat his breakfast were it not for Poe’s dirty look and the way he had practically forced the toast and eggs down his throat (Poe has finally mastered eggs at least, and Finn still holds out hope that he’ll eventually manage pasta too). Now he’s glad of it, because his stomach doesn’t grumble loudly into the silence of the lecture theatre as people settle.

He had been expecting this day to be intimidating, and it is, but perhaps he’s been watching too much How To Get Away With Murder again, because his professor doesn’t walk in and make them all compete, doesn’t get them to try to defend her client on the spot, doesn’t tell them that most of them will be out before the year is done. Instead his professor seems patient and unassuming, a quiet woman who knows her stuff and reassures them that they’re in the right place to do well and everyone wants them to succeed. It feels a far cry from his drill sergeant’s yelling, or from Hux’s welcome a the start of the year, which had usually involved a spray of spittle at the front row and far too many insults and curled lips for 9am on the first Monday of term. Instead, he feels comfortable, like he’s got this and he’s going to be okay.

That feeling only grows when they divide into smaller groups for the mixer after the lecture, and he meets a couple of people he really gets on with. There’s a few other mature students, people who followed other paths before they arrived here, and it’s nice to know no one is going to judge him for having other experiences before this. He makes plans to go for coffee later in the week, and is happy when someone adds him to their little group chat. It feels sort of like belonging, and he’s not used to having that feeling outside of Rey’s smile and Poe’s embrace, but he’s starting to feel it more and more.

That’s not to say the day isn’t hard - he wants to panic as he enters his deadlines into his calendar, and manages to stay calm only by virtue of the jollof Poe had packed him as a surprise (how Poe managed to go to Abeo’s without Finn knowing, he’s really not sure). His teachers aren’t shy to point out how difficult the next few years are going to be, and Finn knows he’s letting himself in for years of stress and work, but it still feels like the right place for him. He’s exhausted by the time he gets home, and decides that he’s earned ten minutes sat on the floor, shoes still on, with BeeBee in his lap for cuddles. Poe arrives a few minutes later to find him there, and laughs at Finn’s expression, once he realises that it’s happy exhaustion and nothing more serious.

He’s eventually bundled onto the couch to watch tv and wait for pizza to arrive, and he finds he can’t stop himself telling Poe about every last detail of his day, until he’s gesturing animatedly and getting excited about other people in his class or the way his professor had explained something, and Poe is smiling fondly at his enthusiasm. Once upon a time, he might have been embarrassed to get this worked up about something, it would have been a weakness, something others could judge and use against him, but now it just feels natural to tell his partner about his day, to get overeager when he discusses the module on racial justice he’s chosen. It’s a welcome change, and Finn embraces it, until Poe is laughing and shoving pizza at him to shut him up.

—-

Poe’s dimly aware that Finn is shuffling around next to him on the blanket, but he’s too blissed out to care. They’ve spent their whole Saturday at the park with BeeBee. Poe woke up this morning to gentle kisses trailing down his chest, until Finn’s clever fingers had hooked in his boxers and pulled, and he’d been dragged into the land of the living rather more quickly by Finn’s mouth round his cock. They’d spent too long in bed, a lazy morning, trading kisses and laughing softly until Finn had eventually wandered off for a shower, and forced Poe in afterwards. By the time he had gotten out (and finished doing his hair, which Finn insists looks gorgeous even when he has bedhead, but Poe thinks looks best after ten or fifteen minutes of preening), Finn had produced a picnic rug and basket from god only knows where, and filled the latter with more food than the two of them really need. They’d hooked BeeBee’s lead on and wandered slowly down to the park, stopping for coffee at the shop on the corner, the one where they’d first met, although Poe doesn’t realise that until later.

They’d settled in a quiet spot in the park, a good place to watch everyone wander past and to keep an eye on BeeBee as she zooms from tree to tree, making human and canine friends alike.

Poe has eaten far too much, as usual, and he’s nearly groaning by the time he lies back on the blanket. He’s drowsy from the sun and the food, and he’s filled with contentment at this lazy day, a rare break in Finn’s hectic study schedule. He knows there’s a pile of marking at home with his name on it, and he’d promised to quiz Finn on his supreme court cases this evening, but right now he’s not sure he’ll ever want to move again, and he can’t see how he could possibly feel happier in this moment.

Of course, as ever, Finn has to surprise him.

He blinks, surfacing from his doze, at the sound of his name. He shuffles up onto his elbows until he can see Finn in front of him, and when he does his brain short-circuits entirely. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, no words are forthcoming, because Finn is kneeling in front of him on the blanket, outstretched hands holding a tiny navy blue box, and nestled in that box is a golden band. Finn’s eyes, when Poe manages to look into them, are full of hope and warmth. Poe can already feel tears blurring his vision, he always was a crier, but then Finn begins to speak and they’re quickly spilling down his cheeks as he listens to this man, this perfect man, and the wonderful things he says.

“Poe, two years ago today we went on our first date. It wasn’t how I imagined, and I know you felt angry at yourself for showing so much vulnerability. But to me, it was perfect because it made me realise that we were right together. We’ve both got bad stuff in our pasts, but these last two years with you seem to have been nothing but sunshine. You’ve given me a home, something I never had, and being with you has made me happier than I could have dreamed. You’re the best person I’ve ever met, and I want to spend every single second showing you how much I love you. Will you marry me?”

Poe doesn’t feel so bad for crying, because Finn is crying so hard he can barely get the ring on Poe’s finger.

—-

“Um, excuse me? Is anyone sitting there? It’s just crazy busy in here and there’s nowhere else so could I maybe…” The voice interrupted Finn halfway through a complex thought so it took him a minute to register what exactly had been said. The delay might also have had something to do with the man stood in front of him. He was…there were no two ways about it, he was gorgeous. He had curly hair with just a hint of grey, five o’clock shadow that accentuated his perfect jawline, caramel eyes, and he was wearing a faded brown leather jacket that hung off him like it was designed just for him. Finn couldn’t help but notice the gold band on the man’s ring finger though, which glinted in the sun. He catches himself staring at it, and looks up quickly to meet the man’s eyes… there’s crows’ feet around the edges, and they’re crinkled up as the man smirks down at Finn. Even though he’s almost struck dumb by how gorgeous this man is, Finn finds himself smiling back on reflex, like it’s ingrained in him to do so.

“I was saving it for my husband, but go ahead” He manages to reply eventually, and the man’s smirk only grows.

“He must be a pretty special guy, to have someone like you”

“He is.” Finn shoots back, unable to keep up the show any longer, “Hey baby, I missed you”

Poe leans across the table to kiss Finn gently, and murmurs into his lips “I missed you too precioso, but I’m here now.”

Finn will never stop being glad that that’s true.


End file.
